I've found my D/s trigger...

...and the outcome is not good. For the past few months I've been trying to figure out why I have such a hard time with men. Why I can't seem to take one seriously and why I'm still alone after so many years of eligibility?

Basically I'm addicted to porn and fantasizing. Because of this, I'm not interested in a vanilla relationship. The men are just too imperfect. I can rewind the parts I like in porn (I like male solo amateur porn). The sounds men make. I can change the setting. Or make them reach their peek over and over again instantly. I can't do that in real life. I can't rewind the parts I like instantly. I can't pause the things I like. I can't suddenly change scenarios and or situation (i.e switch from cops and robbers to naughty school girl and teacher) or bodies (going from flabby to fit) without the mood suffering. So I had looked towards Dominant men. They just gave the impression that they were the know-alls of sexual experiences and thrills. The Daddy's of sexual understanding. That everything they do is perfect. That they know everything about sex and that sex with a Dom was a guaranteed ear-splitting orgasm (or more than 1 for that matter). That 1 minute with a good Dom, 1 word with a good Dom, will have me so excited and at the brink of..(ahem)...peeking.

But I've recently discovered (I'm surprised that it took me this long to notice) that that's not how this lifestyle works. That men may say many things about their abilities but no man has to power to send any woman into a frenzy of ecstasy the way I describe. At least not without years of practice with 1 particular woman. I've been chasing a fairy tale Dom. I've been searching for a Dom that's just like the Doms in the stories I read. A Dom that is Porn-Perfect. A Dom that doesn't exist. So I'm starting to wonder if this lifestyle is for me (and...if I'm destined to be alone).

After all, I got into this lifestyle because I sort of wanted to be forced to experience sex at its best. For a man to make me feel so good within seconds without even trying. To hold me down and make me c*m whether I like it or not. But, now that I know that things aren't like that, what do I do now? I don't want to be alone forever but, now, I'm not really interested in any kind of man. Vanilla's aren't for me. Doms/Masters may not be for me. And the reason is because I discovered porn before I discovered men.

So what else is there for me to do? How can I get porn to stop running my life so that I can take legitimate interest in men again? I've already tried porn addiction sites but all they do is bring you together with other porn addicts to share stories about how badly porn has ruined their lives. I don't need to hear stories. I know what porn is doing to me already. How do I stop it? Porn addict books only try to get the reader to understand why they love porn so much. I already know why! It's freaking perfect! How do I FIX this?

BDSM is highly about sex so I was hoping that there was somebody here who knew what I was going through and could offer me help and/or advice. Advice to help me not expect perfection. Maybe a man? I know a lot of men who are/were addicted to porn expect(ed) women to look a certain way (tall, big tits, long legs, long hair, skinny) because porn has forced in that idea of how women should look. Somehow those men have managed to get over it and love REAL women. I need to tap into that. How do I start desiring REAL men? How can a girl accept JC Penny's once she finds out that the Prada that she's searched desperately for does not exist? (Miuccia gets shot or something).

BDSM to me is VERY much in the mind, but i think that all sex is (or isn't). i've had my share of partners (and probably some other people's shares, too lol). but only with a handful do i get that kind of cum. over the past week, i think i realized why/how, which i hope will allow me to find it easier. it's ALL about trust for me. there's an explicit trust contract that goes with BDSM. that's why there's talk of lines and limits. i don't do safe words in r/l because i only do r/l with people that i trust FULLY. when i trust, i get a much better cum. i can get right to the edge all in my head. with the right r/l people, i go over the edge on site - if allowed. if i don't trust, i can get off, but it's just physical and not nearly as satisying.
good luck in your search.
itgirl

Are you sure you want to take advice from someone so imperfect? *grin* Unrealistic expectations is a much more prevalent problem than recognized. The vast majority of the media industry is based on selling us the unrealistic.

Recognizing that you have an issue is the first step. The next step is to curtail your viewing. That doesn't mean that you have to stop entirely, just limit it. If you always use porn to satisfy your desires, then you won't adapt to the real world. As your ratio of real world experience to porn increases, you will find that your expectations and desires will change. Porn won't stop being appealing, however your horizons should broaden.

Second, work on getting to know real people better. One thing porn can't do is provide a connection, only real people can do that (so far). You may find that there are things other than physical appearance that draws you and that there is more to sex than just the climax.

It won't happen overnight. Depending on how stringent you cut back on your use and how social you are, it could take six months to several years before your expectations are back to being realistic.

Well, when you say that you don't want to be asked why you like the porn because you know why (porn is perfect), of course that's true. But it's also safe, and impersonal, and you're in control. So maybe the question the books are asking isn't, what makes the porn attractive to you? Maybe the question the books are asking is, what is it about YOU that makes you drawn more to porn than to people. And that's only peripherally because porn is perfect.

I don't think the problem is that you're viewing too much porn, necessarily. If there's something that causes you to be drawn to the porn rather than to a real relationship, I think that thing will be there no matter what, or how much, you're watching. I think that once you ARE able to be drawn to a real relationship, either you'll be less interested in porn or it just won't be a problem.

So maybe you should think about going back to what those books were asking. Why is porn perfect for you? What is it about YOU that causes you to be drawn to it, more than to an imperfect, real man?

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Originally Posted by ITGirl

BDSM to me is VERY much in the mind, but i think that all sex is (or isn't). i've had my share of partners (and probably some other people's shares, too lol). but only with a handful do i get that kind of cum. over the past week, i think i realized why/how, which i hope will allow me to find it easier. it's ALL about trust for me. there's an explicit trust contract that goes with BDSM. that's why there's talk of lines and limits. i don't do safe words in r/l because i only do r/l with people that i trust FULLY. when i trust, i get a much better cum. i can get right to the edge all in my head. with the right r/l people, i go over the edge on site - if allowed. if i don't trust, i can get off, but it's just physical and not nearly as satisying.
good luck in your search.
itgirl

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No matter how much trust, safety and common sense require that there ALWAYS be a safe word. No matter how much trust, accidents can happen, and your DOM may not be aware of what a particular scene is doing to you, either physically or mentally.

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Originally Posted by bambina

...and the outcome is not good. For the past few months I've been trying to figure out why I have such a hard time with men. Why I can't seem to take one seriously and why I'm still alone after so many years of eligibility?

..... <snip> .....

But I've recently discovered (I'm surprised that it took me this long to notice) that that's not how this lifestyle works. That men may say many things about their abilities but no man has to power to send any woman into a frenzy of ecstasy the way I describe. At least not without years of practice with 1 particular woman. I've been chasing a fairy tale Dom. I've been searching for a Dom that's just like the Doms in the stories I read. A Dom that is Porn-Perfect. A Dom that doesn't exist. So I'm starting to wonder if this lifestyle is for me (and...if I'm destined to be alone).

After all, I got into this lifestyle because I sort of wanted to be forced to experience sex at its best. For a man to make me feel so good within seconds without even trying. To hold me down and make me c*m whether I like it or not. But, now that I know that things aren't like that, what do I do now? I don't want to be alone forever but, now, I'm not really interested in any kind of man. Vanilla's aren't for me. Doms/Masters may not be for me. And the reason is because I discovered porn before I discovered men.

.... <snip> ....

BDSM is highly about sex so I was hoping that there was somebody here who knew what I was going through and could offer me help and/or advice. Advice to help me not expect perfection. Maybe a man? I know a lot of men who are/were addicted to porn expect(ed) women to look a certain way (tall, big tits, long legs, long hair, skinny) because porn has forced in that idea of how women should look. Somehow those men have managed to get over it and love REAL women. I need to tap into that. How do I start desiring REAL men? How can a girl accept JC Penny's once she finds out that the Prada that she's searched desperately for does not exist? (Miuccia gets shot or something).

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IMHO, I think there are some misconceptions here. Starting at the end, I'd like to suggest that BDSM is NOT highly about sex. It is about control and power exchange. Control of the sub's sexual state is simply the ultimate demonstration of control over the sub.

The expectation that any Dom, merely by virtue of being a Dom, can send any woman (or at least submissive woman), into a frenzy of sexual ecstasy with simply a look or a word is not realistic. Dom/sub is an individual relationship. A sub is sub to the person she has ACCEPTED as her Dom, not to all the Doms in the world. It is mental acceptance of the relationship that leads to physical and sexual gratification, not the other way around.

With the right mental connection, a Dom CAN send a woman into sexual orgasm with a look or a word (and even with a word transmitted by internet). But yes, it does take time to establish and develop that mental rapport.

In summary, I'd suggest that what you need to do is stop trying to find a partner who can transport you to the ultimate Nirvana from day one. Be clear (to yourself and any partner you have), about your expectations, and search for partners who have the POTENTIAL to provide what you seek. Some will fall by the wayside, and over time, your expectations may change also. Your chances of finding the perfect partner for you are no less than, and no greater than, anyone else's.

date a porn star? Sorry i just couldnt help myself

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Originally Posted by bambina

...........no man has to power to send any woman into a frenzy of ecstasy the way I describe.

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Oh yes they do. Just because you haven't found one doesn't mean they don't exist. And it doesn't take years and years of practice with the same woman either. But, that being said:

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Originally Posted by clipcrop

In summary, I'd suggest that what you need to do is stop trying to find a partner who can transport you to the ultimate Nirvana from day one. Be clear (to yourself and any partner you have), about your expectations, and search for partners who have the POTENTIAL to provide what you seek. Some will fall by the wayside, and over time, your expectations may change also. Your chances of finding the perfect partner for you are no less than, and no greater than, anyone else's.

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Clipcrop has given you some good advice. Maybe some of us are luckier than others about finding someone who can "transport us to Nirvana from day one". Maybe you need to lower your expectations somewhat and at least give things a little more time. I would also second his advice to seek out partners with "potential" and give them all no less than several chances each.
Maybe your sense of urgency is being transmitted to some of your partners and it's intimidating them. Perhaps they feel like they have been forced into the position of having to perform on command. (I'm extremely guilty of intimidating men I'm trying to get to know......or so I've been told....and I think it's sheer nervousness that makes me behave that way). So slow down and try to calm down. You'll find that streetcar named "Nirvana" sooner or later and it will transport you to a place where the earth moves.

DIXIE

i have to tell you ...BDSM for me is not all about sex. my Master and i have played numerous times and there has been no sexual connection at all. the latest He has done is explore just how far i will go without calling my safeword and that doesn't involve sex at all.

i cannot help you on the porn part of it all because i rather have the real thing then watch about it. it is not saying that there is anything wrong with you. Just i would lower your expectations of what you want in this lifestyle. when i first started out in it i wanted everything right away and that led me in a different direction but when i wasnt looking my Master found me :)

I probably won't be much help as I also love porn, however, I realize most of the scenes and sounds may be a part of the "act". I rewind certain scenes over and over again. So, I'm with you on that. After watching, I usually want to rip the clothes off Sir (which is allowed if I ask nicely), but that's when the porn scenes/stars disappear. It's all about us and, I focus solely on Him. :)

So, yeah....you can have screaming orgasms or hot BDSM scenes like they have on porn. Try not to compare the real deal with what you see on the screen.

Last, but certainly not least: BDSM & D/s is mostly power exchange in my relationship and then the hot screaming sex!!:blurp_ani

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Originally Posted by clipcrop

No matter how much trust, safety and common sense require that there ALWAYS be a safe word. No matter how much trust, accidents can happen, and your DOM may not be aware of what a particular scene is doing to you, either physically or mentally.

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Safe words always felt dishonest to me... I know the arguments for them, I just can't get my head around them.

I am not sure if this will be much help but, you sound in pain and I cannot help but want to assist in any small way I can...apologies in advance for the length but I can relate in many ways

I have found (through my own experience) that usually addictions exist to either 1) fill an emptiness/void in your life and/or 2) mask a pain you are not acknowledging or wish to dull through the addiction.

Addictions allow you to focus all your attention on something - and from there you can attain temporary feelings of control, safety and pleasure. In fact the chemicals released in our brain when our attention is focussed on an addiction are exactly the same as those released when we fall in love. But when the thing you are addicted to is no longer there, you will suffer from magnified feelings of loss, emptiness, despair and loneliness.

You seem to be a bright, honest and articulate person. It is sad to hear you feel so alone and concerned that you may never be able to find satisfaction with a 'REAL MAN'. You are a real woman and although wonderful as you may be, I am sure you are not perfect, so why are you putting so much pressure on yourself and potential partners by expecting them to be?

Porn is great and it is a whole LOTTA fun, but it is never meant to be a replacement for or an accurate description of the complexity of ‘normal’ human relationships, ‘normal’ human bodies or even ‘normal’ sexual skill/prowess/responsiveness. People are chosen (or choose to be) in porn films because they depict an image of physical perfection and beauty, and lets face it, we all like to watch beautiful people and imagine we are them or we are with them. The ga-zillions of dollars earned every year by the advertising, film, modelling and beauty industries cannot be wrong!

But if you are seeking the same sort of mind-blowing multiple orgasms and fabulous endless fucking with stunningly gorgeous people that you enjoy in these films you may continue to find yourself alone in your eligibility. I have found the only way I can enjoy screaming, mind-blowing orgasms and fabulous, ‘hanging-from-the-rafters’ fucking is with a REAL person. When you have a REAL connection with someone, someone that exists (and therefore has both real beauty AND real flaws), someone that thinks YOU are incredibly desirable – that is where REAL passion comes from.

You may think that everyone on this site is only obsessed with sex – and although BDSM has a very strong basis in sex and sexual desires it is not the only motivator/part of our lives. If you read through most of these posts you will find overwhelmingly frequent themes of love, trust, power, intense connections (both physical and mental), healing, laughter, pain and joy. None of these emotions can be fully experienced on your own, and certainly cannot be found in the impersonal safety of your ‘porn world’ – remote control in hand, pausing and rewinding to avoid the ‘boring bits’.

I mean this with all the most positive intentions possible – put down the remote, step away from the TV and start making connections with REAL people. Connections not just based on physical perfection – look for someone that can connect with you in your mind (my Master can make me cum almost instantly with his words, his voice or merely a look because he knows my mind so well), someone that you can respect and who respects you. Someone that is willing to explore all of your desires and find those ways that will make you orgasm harder and more intensely than you ever knew was possible. Just don’t expect them to be able to know that immediately, Dom or not, no matter how experienced they are, they aren’t experienced with YOU.

As I said before, porn is great - but it cannot love you, hold you, make you scream with joy (or joyful pain!), it cannot kiss away the tears, praise you when you are good or spank you when you are bad ;o) It also cannot give you the sublime pleasure that comes from giving someone else a mind-blowing orgasm!

Start by putting yourself ‘out there’ and give some REAL men a chance to get to know the REAL YOU and you might be pleasantly surprised….but only once you allow trust and respect to become the first 2 things you demand as the foundation of all your relationships. That is not negotiable.

As a former addict myself, I know it is tough, scary and painful to let go of your addiction. But the freedom and self-worth you will gain is infinitely worth all of it. And once you have found the right REAL man (or real woman!) you will wonder why you spent so much time with your celluloid lovers.

I want to thank all of yall. Very post is full of good advice.

Bambina, guys have egos. Most want to please their mate. Most want their mate to have that mind blowing orgasm. But as for me I want to know a woman emotionally also. I want that connection that causes me to feel giddy inside from just being with her. That only comes from knowing each other and having common ground. In the old days it was called corting. Maybe you could slow down alittle, just enjoy a mans company. When your heart is feeling good about someone, even if it's only from a true friendship point, your body will follow.

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Originally Posted by aussiesubgirl

I am not sure if this will be much help but, you sound in pain and I cannot help but want to assist in any small way I can...apologies in advance for the length but I can relate in many ways

I have found (through my own experience) that usually addictions exist to either 1) fill an emptiness/void in your life and/or 2) mask a pain you are not acknowledging or wish to dull through the addiction.

Addictions allow you to focus all your attention on something - and from there you can attain temporary feelings of control, safety and pleasure. In fact the chemicals released in our brain when our attention is focussed on an addiction are exactly the same as those released when we fall in love. But when the thing you are addicted to is no longer there, you will suffer from magnified feelings of loss, emptiness, despair and loneliness.

You seem to be a bright, honest and articulate person. It is sad to hear you feel so alone and concerned that you may never be able to find satisfaction with a 'REAL MAN'. You are a real woman and although wonderful as you may be, I am sure you are not perfect, so why are you putting so much pressure on yourself and potential partners by expecting them to be?

Porn is great and it is a whole LOTTA fun, but it is never meant to be a replacement for or an accurate description of the complexity of ‘normal’ human relationships, ‘normal’ human bodies or even ‘normal’ sexual skill/prowess/responsiveness. People are chosen (or choose to be) in porn films because they depict an image of physical perfection and beauty, and lets face it, we all like to watch beautiful people and imagine we are them or we are with them. The ga-zillions of dollars earned every year by the advertising, film, modelling and beauty industries cannot be wrong!

But if you are seeking the same sort of mind-blowing multiple orgasms and fabulous endless fucking with stunningly gorgeous people that you enjoy in these films you may continue to find yourself alone in your eligibility. I have found the only way I can enjoy screaming, mind-blowing orgasms and fabulous, ‘hanging-from-the-rafters’ fucking is with a REAL person. When you have a REAL connection with someone, someone that exists (and therefore has both real beauty AND real flaws), someone that thinks YOU are incredibly desirable – that is where REAL passion comes from.

You may think that everyone on this site is only obsessed with sex – and although BDSM has a very strong basis in sex and sexual desires it is not the only motivator/part of our lives. If you read through most of these posts you will find overwhelmingly frequent themes of love, trust, power, intense connections (both physical and mental), healing, laughter, pain and joy. None of these emotions can be fully experienced on your own, and certainly cannot be found in the impersonal safety of your ‘porn world’ – remote control in hand, pausing and rewinding to avoid the ‘boring bits’.

I mean this with all the most positive intentions possible – put down the remote, step away from the TV and start making connections with REAL people. Connections not just based on physical perfection – look for someone that can connect with you in your mind (my Master can make me cum almost instantly with his words, his voice or merely a look because he knows my mind so well), someone that you can respect and who respects you. Someone that is willing to explore all of your desires and find those ways that will make you orgasm harder and more intensely than you ever knew was possible. Just don’t expect them to be able to know that immediately, Dom or not, no matter how experienced they are, they aren’t experienced with YOU.

As I said before, porn is great - but it cannot love you, hold you, make you scream with joy (or joyful pain!), it cannot kiss away the tears, praise you when you are good or spank you when you are bad ;o) It also cannot give you the sublime pleasure that comes from giving someone else a mind-blowing orgasm!

Start by putting yourself ‘out there’ and give some REAL men a chance to get to know the REAL YOU and you might be pleasantly surprised….but only once you allow trust and respect to become the first 2 things you demand as the foundation of all your relationships. That is not negotiable.

As a former addict myself, I know it is tough, scary and painful to let go of your addiction. But the freedom and self-worth you will gain is infinitely worth all of it. And once you have found the right REAL man (or real woman!) you will wonder why you spent so much time with your celluloid lovers.

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Aussiesubgirl,
Truly awe-inspiring post. It makes so many important points and distinctions I think I'm going to copy it and put it in an email to myself so I'll always have it close at hand. There's no way I can compliment you enough on it. It has to be in the top five of anything I've ever read on here.

I do have one question. Because you use the word "REAL" a lot, are you saying that you believe there is nothing bona-fide about online relationships?

DIXIE

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Originally Posted by SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN

Bambina, guys have egos. Most want to please their mate. Most want their mate to have that mind blowing orgasm. But as for me I want to know a woman emotionally also. I want that connection that causes me to feel giddy inside from just being with her. That only comes from knowing each other and having common ground. In the old days it was called corting. Maybe you could slow down alittle, just enjoy a mans company. When your heart is feeling good about someone, even if it's only from a true friendship point, your body will follow.

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I agree completely. I am a hormone driven male, like any other.. but at the same time sex is something of a secondary motivation for me. I've had my share of purely physical relationships, but they've never been as satisfying as when I've met someone, and learned that I deeply care for them. I've somewhat learned that, especially in D/s relationships, I don't find that kind of satisfaction easily when the relationship is made physical from the first day.. though it can happen. The true bliss for me, whether subbing or Domming, is knowing that we trust and care for one another deeply enough to blur the lines of a traditional relationship and relinquish our power. Once this has been established, the sex that follows is much, much more rewarding. Perhaps instead of looking for the perfect man to satisfy your physical desires, you should search for the perfect man to fulfill your emotional needs, then your sexual fulfilment may follow in suit.
-Kit'sToy

With the right partner, sex will be even more perfect than in the porn you watch.

He/ she may not look like a porn star. They almost certainly won't act like the actors on pornos do.

But when the connection is right, the dynamics are right and you just click, perfect, mind blowing sex is more than possible in real life.

BDSM flavoured sex may not be the answer for you. Definitely not if you are expecting a dom to be able to instantly intuit and satisfy all your fantasies in one sitting. But if you are clear within yourself about what you want, you are certain to eventually find a partner who matches.

This may sound silly and glib, but maybe finding a guy who enjoys the same sort of porn that you do could be a good place to start.

Sex addicts trade arousal for intimacy, at least according to some. Is this where you are heading? Reverse it by re-balancing these in your life.

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Originally Posted by DIXIE LASS

Aussiesubgirl,
Truly awe-inspiring post. It makes so many important points and distinctions I think I'm going to copy it and put it in an email to myself so I'll always have it close at hand. There's no way I can compliment you enough on it. It has to be in the top five of anything I've ever read on here.

I do have one question. Because you use the word "REAL" a lot, are you saying that you believe there is nothing bona-fide about online relationships?

DIXIE

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Thanks so much Dixie Lass!

And sorry for the confusion - absolutely no distinction in my mind between O/L and R/L - I was referencing Bambina's concern that she could never be attracted to a "Real" man after her experiences with the perfection of porn....for my 2 cents worth a person and relationship O/L is just as "real" as one in R/L....they both involve emotional, mental (and sometimes) physical connections with other human beings...

Sincerely, no offence intended or implied to O/L relationships vs R/L!

ASG
xxx