bpqueen

I hate journaling and I hate revealing my feelings, but I have reached a point in my life where I need somewhere to cataloge my thoughts without fear of retribution, and at home is just not the place.

Two weeks ago I started to spend more time with a friend of mine which reminds me so much of a best friend I had many years ago. I instantly am at ease when I am around him, and like nothing more than to cuddle up in his embrace. I am not sexually attracted to him at first glance, but he has a magic in him that turns me on with just a few soft caresses.

Normally I have no sex drive, and although it infuriates my husband, does not bother me. Masturbation is great for relieving sexual tension, and as I am on constant emotional guard, it is not a connector for me. Sex and emotional intimacy are completely unrelated in my mind. But this then leads to a series of unfortunate associations for me: sex is rarely pleasurable, sex is unassociated with emotion, sex is a duty, I have no sex drive, if I find someone with which sex is pleasurable it is not emotional and therefore does not damage my relationship with my husband in anyway.

I feel like my logic is flawed somewhere there, but I don't understand myself well enough to know what turns me on and how to convey that to my husband. He is very rough and quick on the trigger. He dated in the past a string of nymphos, and I feel inadequate in every way sexually for him, but am not willing to give sexual gratification to him when it is painful and humiliating for me. Although I am a very aggressive person, I need foreplay, and unfortunately my new friend seems to be the only one able to give this to me.

My friend is gentle in everyway until I am worked up, and then he is commanding and forceful. I love this. He throws me around using my hair and neck and it makes me shiver just thinking about it. His breath control techniques take me to my safe happy place and I long to explore this side of my sexuality more. He listens to me when I talk, and remembers what I tell him to use back on me at every opportunity. We have only spent a short time together, but he can play me like a violin maestro and instantly knows what to say or do to calm me down when I get into one of my anxious and irritative fits. Although I feel an emotional connection to him, it is different than what I feel for my husband. With my friend, I feel like an old soul recognizing another. I trust him completely. With my husband, I feel safe and comfortable and see a family, but do not trust myself to open to him fully. I do not really know why, but I don't, and he can sense this (hence, his regular request for my complete submission). With my friend I can see myself as owned and fullly submissive in the bedroom, but as for my husband...not a chance in hell.

I keep reading how submission should be given and not taken, and I feel that with my friend, but not with my husband. He sees women like chainsaws complete with instant pull strings, and thus skips all the gentle and goes straight to the domination. When he tells me that I just need "to submit," this only brings out my stubborn and violent nature. When I do try and s/w him about what I want and need, I do not feel like he listens. I guess the biggest problem is that we do not have enough time together. I need a minimum of 1 hour to get turned on, and as I work very early in the morning and he works until late in the evening, we have very little time to spend together.

Another problem is that my mind is always running, working and churning...My friend seems to be the only one who can calm it and let me bask in the physical sensations that he creates through his fingertips. This last week I thought was going to be a few days of pleasure enhancing chemical substances, bondage, and exploration (my husband was out of town), but instead I got chemical and bondage-free peaceful days, one passionate and very physical night facilitated by a bottle of wine, and one night of cuddling and blissfull sleep.

It was exactly what I needed, but not what I wanted, and now I am longing to explore more and more the violent and bondage aspect of my sexuality. I just don't know how to tell my husband. I know that he is open to new things, but I am sure that he will draw the line at my having sex with my friend. I just don't know how to teach him what I need and want without first exploring myself and finding out. My friend is helping me with this, but although I don't see it as emotionally wrong or dangerous to our marriage, I don't think that he would agree. I love my husband, and want to start a family...but not now.

I need a little more time to myself -- more time to live. Right now I feel numb. My friend makes me come alive, while my husband just looks at me and wonders why I am so unhapy. He calls my friends by derogatory names because he does not believe that they are "true" and "loyal" friends, and only spend time with me b/c they want something. While this may be true, why is it a bad thing? Aristotle stated that there are 3 distinct forms of friendship (soul mates, purpose people, and needs people [my terms]) and each serve important roles in the building of one's ethical character. I am very lonely and will take any form right now. I just want to feel wanted...and not as just a sexual object. I want my needs to be met too...and I don't want to feel selfish in doing so.