I'm wondering if there are any other subs/masochists who feel the intense attraction to sadism and sadistic lovers/masters that I do. I've never really seen anything that exactly describes it the way that I feel it.

Let me explain: I'm not sure how much of a masochist I truly am. Sure, a great ass-warming spanking just plain feels delicious and nothing--bar nothing--makes me as wet as slow delicious intentsifying nipple torture. And I love love love the idea (and the reality the few times it has happened) of wearing the marks of a good beating. And I love the idea of enduring it, of being taken to the limit as a measure of sacrifice, love, submission--all that incredibly intoxicating stuff.

But if I allow myself to suspect for one minute that my partner isn't turned on by giving me pain it significantly diminishes my arousal. But this is different than just wanting to make your partner happy--which, of course, I want.

It's that I deeply desire the man I serve to be turned on by giving me pain, not just that he is enjoying it because it arouses me. I want to think he would enjoy it even if it DIDN'T arouse me.

I just love the idea of a man who is aroused by the pure and simple act of administering pain to a woman he is sexually attracted to. (In all the classic erotic ritualized controlled sm ways of course--spanking, beating, hot wax , nipple torture, etc. not by slamming doors on her fingers or stepping on her toes or anything that reeks of domestic violence.)

But, then again, I can't stand mysogynists. I want my sadists to really love and enjoy women. But the sadism doesn't mean anything to me if it is just his way of controlling her(me) or just something he does because she(I) really like it.

I think it has something to do with some kind of (probably warped and twisted) idea of masculinity. It's probably also the idea that his freedom to hurt her (me) is some kind of ultimate affirmation of ownership.

My husband is a sweet and gentle sort, but the sexiest thing he has ever said to me was when he told me that spanking me makes him hard. Of course, I think that may just be because doing it makes me wet, but I desperately want to think it goes deeper, that I am unlocking his secret sadist and that he will someday take me to new places of pain not because he thinks I like it but just because it turns him on.

Is this important to anyone else? Thoughts?