Non-sub/new to BDSM with experienced Dom

[Jennifer Williams]

It's more of the shame afterwards than during. There is a certain appeal of doing something you shouldn't as you're doing it, but afterwards I just find myself...mentally beating myself up for what happened.

My little one struggles with this a great deal. I keep trying to help him figure out why things bother him so much, and all he says is "I just don't want to be judged or ridiculed." And then I ask him "by who, no one is here but us?" I think that even though we can logically and mentally accept that it's fine to be an individual, what society ingrains in us as "appropriate" or not is very deep-rooted. That's why it's important to use your brain as much as possible, to look at your feelings to figure out why you feel a certain way.

Or I'll find myself believing the things he'll say when we're in the moment. That's where I become unsure of the name calling. It's not that it bothers me as much in the moment (although it is taking an adjustment to get used to it, especially if he wants me to call myself names, eek), but it's after we're done and I start taking what was said to heart.

That can be tricky because you're a new couple. But as you go, it should become easier to separate "in-session" from "non-session" things. How does he treat you when you're not in-session? By paying attention to that, it should make it easier for you to learn the difference between "real" and "play". It sounds to me like your boyfriend is an understanding person, so you should tell him you're struggling with this.

A lot of these questions you have are things that will be answered more easily once you have more time together. It sounds to me like you already know that:

One of the first things I said after I filled it out was that I might want to look it over again in a couple of months after we've tried some things because I will have a better idea then of where I'm at.

In all, from reading your posts, I would have to say that I think you're the "poster-child" for "the right way to start a brand-new BDSM relationship." I think you're asking all the right questions and thinking and questioning things all the time...just like you should. Also it sounds to me like you're keeping good communication about all of this with your boyfriend, and that is a huge key.

Just keep on doing it. Keep on asking yourself those questions, thinking about how you feel and why you feel that way. That part doesn't go away; what the questions are might change but having them won't. That's just part of being in a good, healthy, developing relationship.

Good luck to you!

[openyoureyes]

My little one struggles with this a great deal. I keep trying to help him figure out why things bother him so much, and all he says is "I just don't want to be judged or ridiculed." And then I ask him "by who, no one is here but us?" I think that even though we can logically and mentally accept that it's fine to be an individual, what society ingrains in us as "appropriate" or not is very deep-rooted. That's why it's important to use your brain as much as possible, to look at your feelings to figure out why you feel a certain way.

I agree, though I think a part of it is family issues as well. I talked with my sister when I first found out, and her reaction was "You know the things he wants to call you in bed, right?" and it was like, "You think that's all he wants to do??" But it's not something I feel I can really discuss indepth with the people who are closest to me. One of my closest friends, who has even dabbled with BDSM had the reaction of "You need to get out of this relationship before it turns abusive" and it irks me that people assume just because you're in a BDSM relationship it means you're either a victim or an abuser.

Even though I *know* all of these things and don't think what I'm doing is wrong, it doesn't evoke good feelings to know I have to hide a part of myself from friends/family.

That can be tricky because you're a new couple. But as you go, it should become easier to separate "in-session" from "non-session" things. How does he treat you when you're not in-session? By paying attention to that, it should make it easier for you to learn the difference between "real" and "play". It sounds to me like your boyfriend is an understanding person, so you should tell him you're struggling with this.

After our last session he did ask me if I wanted to talk about what happened (it was the first time I'd been 'punished' for not doing what he told me to), but I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I find it very hard to articulate my feelings to him, especially when he is right there. I do think it will get easier to tell the different between "real" and "play", I think it's just that, when no one's ever done that with me before, my gut reaction is to think he means what he's saying, whether it's in-session or not.

[brwneydgirl]

Even though I *know* all of these things and don't think what I'm doing is wrong, it doesn't evoke good feelings to know I have to hide a part of myself from friends/family.

Try to look at it like this:

If you were in a vanilla relationship...pure vanilla...and REALLY loved giving head...I mean, you fucking REALLY loved it and were VERY talented at it and you joined a website devoted to discussing it in all it's varied forms...would you share that with your friends and family? Maybe you would...maybe you're just super open and tell them everything....but I doubt it.

On the other hand, I know what you mean about wanting someone to talk to (in real life) about what's in your mind...have you tried meeting other subs in your area? Or even finding a sub you can connect with online and picking each other's brains a little...could help?

[openyoureyes]

Try to look at it like this:

If you were in a vanilla relationship...pure vanilla...and REALLY loved giving head...I mean, you fucking REALLY loved it and were VERY talented at it and you joined a website devoted to discussing it in all it's varied forms...would you share that with your friends and family? Maybe you would...maybe you're just super open and tell them everything....but I doubt it.

lol, well...I might not have talked about that with people, BUT, I did have a conversation with my dad about where I made a comment about being lonely (after a break-up), to which he responded "You're not lonely, you're horny, you should stop confusing the two". So uh, I DO have fairly open communication with my family/friends about things, maybe not anything super detailed, but it's also not something I've been very reserved about.

On the other hand, I know what you mean about wanting someone to talk to (in real life) about what's in your mind...have you tried meeting other subs in your area? Or even finding a sub you can connect with online and picking each other's brains a little...could help?

It's been tremendously helpful just to be on this forum, actually. Although I do think it might be helpful to be able to talk to someone one on one about the more personal/detailed things, though I'm not sure how to go about finding someone like that. I also have one in-real-life friend who I can talk to, though usually nothing specific, just in general how I'm feeling and she's been wonderful. Her advice has been pretty universal in that it doesn't matter how I think I *should* feel, but how I *do* feel and that I should focus on being ok with that.

Thanks again for your feedback.

[nawteeone]

I did have a conversation with my dad about where I made a comment about being lonely (after a break-up), to which he responded "You're not lonely, you're horny, you should stop confusing the two".

lmao! well, you should be a pro at handling humiliating situations!

[openyoureyes]

First, I think it's awesome that he's the one who came to you and asked you how you felt. He sounds like gold; hang on to him!

Second, sometimes it's hard to talk about things that are so new and could feel embarrassing or shameful or whatever. Try writing him a letter, or an e-mail, or as was suggested by someone somewhere, an IM conversation. Sometimes it can be so much easier to talk when you're not face-to-face. Eventually, the face-to-face will come.

Kudos to you, and keep at it!

Thanks. We tried talking over IM chat yesterday and it was much easier to ask questions about things and convey what I was thinking without feeling silly/embarrassed. I definitely know he's one of the good ones, and I appreciate him taking the time to ask me how I'm feeling as my go-to reaction with bad feelings is to just internalize them.

lmao! well, you should be a pro at handling humiliating situations!

lol, with my family? Of course I do. I've had a long line of family/friends/boyfriends who enjoyed teasing me or getting a rise out of me because they liked how easily they could read it on my face.

[Jennifer Williams]

I agree, though I think a part of it is family issues as well. I talked with my sister when I first found out, and her reaction was "You know the things he wants to call you in bed, right?" and it was like, "You think that's all he wants to do??" But it's not something I feel I can really discuss indepth with the people who are closest to me. One of my closest friends, who has even dabbled with BDSM had the reaction of "You need to get out of this relationship before it turns abusive" and it irks me that people assume just because you're in a BDSM relationship it means you're either a victim or an abuser.

Even though I *know* all of these things and don't think what I'm doing is wrong, it doesn't evoke good feelings to know I have to hide a part of myself from friends/family.

When I first started dating my little one, every single person I knew told me it wouldn't work because it was a rebound relationship (I was single for only a month after a three-year previous relationship). Except for my best friend. She gave me the best advice I ever got: "No one can tell you who your heart loves except yourself."

So the advice of friends and family, though useful to an extent, only goes so far. If you are happy, and he is happy, then don't listen to the rest of them.

I can understand how not talking about the BDSM aspect of your relationship might feel like "hiding"...but it isn't. As brwneydgirl pointed out with such clarity, you're just not talking about your bedroom life with them; it's not as if you're hiding your entire relationship with your boyfriend.

After our last session he did ask me if I wanted to talk about what happened (it was the first time I'd been 'punished' for not doing what he told me to), but I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I find it very hard to articulate my feelings to him, especially when he is right there.

First, I think it's awesome that he's the one who came to you and asked you how you felt. He sounds like gold; hang on to him!

Second, sometimes it's hard to talk about things that are so new and could feel embarrassing or shameful or whatever. Try writing him a letter, or an e-mail, or as was suggested by someone somewhere, an IM conversation. Sometimes it can be so much easier to talk when you're not face-to-face. Eventually, the face-to-face will come.

Kudos to you, and keep at it!

[leo9]

In all, from reading your posts, I would have to say that I think you're the "poster-child" for "the right way to start a brand-new BDSM relationship."

I'd say that goes for both you and your bf. You are both of you so doing all the right things that this thread is going to be required reading for newbies.

The only thing I can add to the good advice you've already had is where you say:

How do I get over that feeling of shame for things that I do enjoy, but feel like I shouldn't?

D/s is made for this. The great thing about being a sub is that you're not responsible for what you do under your Dom's control: if you're a dirty little slut when you serve Him, that's because He made you act that way, there's no shame in it. And if you enjoy it as well, that's another thing to thank Him devotedly for.