Non-sub/new to BDSM with experienced Dom

[nawteeone]

I think you are doing the right thing for sure by communicating with him. People surely save themselves a lot of time, trouble & heartache by being up front about this stuff. Of course everyone's experience is different, but I'm happy to share my opinions.

1. How do I define/push my boundaries without things going too far? How do I let him know if things have gone too far? (For example, he says there will be times that I will probably end up crying but that that's just part of pushing my boundaries and I'm not sure how to feel about that.)
This one seems pretty basic in BDSM relationships: Decide on a "safe word," especially considering you are not familiar with a lot of BDSM. It should be crystal clear that 1)you will use this word if you are ever feeling truly uncomfortable with where something is going, and 2)he will respect your use of it and cease immediately.

2. If there are things I think I will never like, and think will hurt me (more than I think I can handle - on an emotional level, more than physical), should I still agree to try them, or is it ok to not be ready, or not ever be ready, for certain things?
Interesting question. But I'm thinking of an old George Carlin skit here...."How do you KNOW you don't like it, IF you've never even tried it?" lol. There are plenty of things I would have said NO WAY to way back when, but the more your relationship evolves, the more you might find out about yourself,and your likes & dislikes. I would say only go as far as you are willing now, and keep lines of communication open. I think most of us probably started out pretty slow, and then gradually worked up to other things. But even though you are willing to give control over to him, remember that ultimately YOU decide what you are willing to do or not do.

3. How do I get over that feeling of shame for things that I do enjoy, but feel like I shouldn't? Do other people struggle with this?
This one was easier for me: What I like might not be run-of-the-mill, but it makes me happy, and doesn't hurt anyone else. My private life is absolutely none of their business. Plus, I'm convinced we all have some deep, dark, dirty secrets. No one is immune....

4. Does it get easier to be called names, or even to be called 'good girl'? He called me a slut while we were together and it bothered me. I am more okay with being called specifically his slut, but I usually just end up feeling like I'm doing something I shouldn't be, and the cycle of shame repeats. On the flip side, the first time he called me 'good girl', I got upset by it, but the more he says it, the less it bothers me.
Yup, but in certain contexts. In the course of "normal" interaction, if M seriously called me a slut, I would probably tell him to go fuck himself. lol. When we're playing? OMG, I not only LOVE it, but CRAVE it. You'll know in time if this is something you can get used to or not.

5. Does anyone have any advice in general as I feel like I'm overreacting and over thinking things? My fear is that I won't be able to find a balance with how far I can go and be comfortable, and have him still be happy.
I know it goes against what subs are "supposed" to think, but just worry about you. Are YOU happy? Go as far as you are willing, and still feel comfortable with, then have a heart to heart with him. Is it enough for him? Not to put pressure on you at all, but in my experience, men who like to dominate can seldom just "turn it off." Not to say it's never happened, but deep down, even if he doesn't think so, it probably is simply what he needs. Don't feel like you have to live up to his expectations, until that is exactly what you WANT to do. Don't feel like you have to go all out at first. The things discussed here, or online in general are usually not things that happen right away in true relationships. Go slow, there's absolutely no right or wrong. Just be true to yourself about your feelings. In the end, if it feels right, trust me, you will know! Feel free to message me if you like. I hope that made sense, but for me, making M happy makes me happy, so it's a win-win.

[openyoureyes]

Interesting question. But I'm thinking of an old George Carlin skit here...."How do you KNOW you don't like it, IF you've never even tried it?" lol. There are plenty of things I would have said NO WAY to way back when, but the more your relationship evolves, the more you might find out about yourself,and your likes & dislikes.

Well, this is what he said as well, and that's when I agreed I would try things at least twice before saying for sure that I do/don't like something. But there are some things where I don't feel like I'm ready to try them, and while he says he'll take things slow, some things still cause me major anxiety to think about. I suppose the key is to have trust and just take things one step at a time? I told him that even if I say no right now, ask me again in a few months and we can see where I'm at then.

Yup, but in certain contexts. In the course of "normal" interaction, if M seriously called me a slut, I would probably tell him to go fuck himself. lol. When we're playing? OMG, I not only LOVE it, but CRAVE it. You'll know in time if this is something you can get used to or not.

lol, yeah, when he first said it I was just surprised by it. The ex that I was with for nearly 6 years was pretty much silent during sex, so even talking during sex was completely new to me, let alone being called names. The more stuff we do, the less it bothers me, but I think it's more that I'm sensitive and will take things literally that aren't meant to be that way.

I know it goes against what subs are "supposed" to think, but just worry about you. Are YOU happy? Go as far as you are willing, and still feel comfortable with, then have a heart to heart with him.

I have always had a hard time with this. I tend to internalize my unhappiness, and I tend to put myself last. I've been struggling pretty hard with this since my ex and I split, and part of me worries that my new boyfriend being dominant is going to cause me to regress and just go back to not caring about my own happiness - something I know my boyfriend doesn't want, but I'm not sure it's something he'd even be aware of.

Not to put pressure on you at all, but in my experience, men who like to dominate can seldom just "turn it off." Not to say it's never happened, but deep down, even if he doesn't think so, it probably is simply what he needs. Don't feel like you have to live up to his expectations, until that is exactly what you WANT to do.

Yeah, I agree. Even if he doesn't want it to, it does matter. I do want to make him happy, though, I just want to make sure I don't lose myself in the process, if that makes sense. I don't have an issue with him dominating - I tried for years to get my ex to be more aggressive towards me, I just don't want to end up feeling like what I'm comfortable with isn't enough for him.