I am confused

[spicennice]

I had set a hard limit more than once right from the beginning. Not okay with multiple partners from either of us. Thank you, I should have been more specific. Although I am new to the lifestyle, I am very aware of what is right and wrong on a human level. It was the consensual part that felt breached as I had not agreed to this. I think I needed a confirmation that what I felt was not being unfair. That I wasn't 'missing' something along the way. Thank you so much for your help.

[_ID_]

I had set a hard limit more than once right from the beginning. Not okay with multiple partners from either of us. Thank you, I should have been more specific. Although I am new to the lifestyle, I am very aware of what is right and wrong on a human level. It was the consensual part that felt breached as I had not agreed to this. I think I needed a confirmation that what I felt was not being unfair. That I wasn't 'missing' something along the way. Thank you so much for your help.

If it was a hard limit going into the relationship, and that limit is ignored. You'd be in the right to leave the relationship, without notice or reason.

[spicennice]

Thank you IDCrewDawg. Although we had not commited formally, he introduced me to BDSM. I am not entirely certain that I will continue down this road but will be posting and learning more for the next bit to see whether this is truly my slant. I learned a ton from him, and I am forever grateful as he had me realize that power can be a good thing - not just an abusive thing. He has been very good to me along the way and helped me tremendously throughout some issues that I have been dealing with. He has been a friend, a lover and a confidant. He deserves more than 'without warning' but I understand what you are saying.

I thank you all so much for your perspective. It has been so very helpful.

[Ozme52]

I had set a hard limit more than once right from the beginning. Not okay with multiple partners from either of us. Thank you, I should have been more specific. Although I am new to the lifestyle, I am very aware of what is right and wrong on a human level. It was the consensual part that felt breached as I had not agreed to this. I think I needed a confirmation that what I felt was not being unfair. That I wasn't 'missing' something along the way. Thank you so much for your help.

I'll assume you're referring to the breach of your agreements and not poly itself here.

Monogamy is not in and of itself a human norm. It's a societal norm that is currently prevalent. And not even necessarily practiced widely... but certainly is espoused widely. Many who claim monogamy are merely serial monogamists.

There are a lot of good threads within these forums and elsewhere where one can gain insights to the issues of poly v. monogamy and how they play into bdsm.

[spicennice]

Well, that is the thing Oz. Consensual is a big part of this whole thing. So, by setting the limit and his accepting that limit (I assume that not stating a problem with it is accepting it), it took away my right to negotiate if he felt that poly was a given for him. I am a bit confused as to your reference that D/s and poly are two separate things. Are you saying that poly doesn't fall under Dom limits? (not sure if that made ANY sense but try and work with me here - I am a bit muddled). To me, SSC is a big deal. He has always spoken about it as being a big deal. If we had spoken about this in true D/s fashion, is it out of line for me to believe that it should have been put out there immediately given that I expressed a need for monogamous. The fact that nothing was said about it makes this, to me, a breach of trust. On a human level. Hmmmm, okay never mind, I think I just answered my own question as to the '2 separate issues' thing. This posting was really just me trying to get at whether there was a D/s issue that I was not understanding in all of this.

Thank you so much VaAugusta for your input. This is such a beautiful lifestyle as such that everyone is allowed their feelings and opinions. So I am not judging the poly lifestyle, although it is really something I would have to think about for myself, and if it was going to be poly it would have to be poly for both of us. I guess that is the issue. I wasn't given the opportunity to make taht decsion, which is a cornerstone of D/s when choosing a partner if I understand it correctly. Thank you so much for your well wishes.

[Ozme52]

Well, that is the thing Oz. Consensual is a big part of this whole thing. So, by setting the limit and his accepting that limit (I assume that not stating a problem with it is accepting it), it took away my right to negotiate if he felt that poly was a given for him.

Indeed. So far, you're correct.

I am a bit confused as to your reference that D/s and poly are two separate things. Are you saying that poly doesn't fall under Dom limits? (not sure if that made ANY sense but try and work with me here - I am a bit muddled).

My statement that D/s and poly are separate was to the point that you can be poly and not also be D/s... and that you can be D/s but not poly. (I thought I was pretty clear given the example I gave...)

To me, SSC is a big deal. He has always spoken about it as being a big deal. If we had spoken about this in true D/s fashion, is it out of line for me to believe that it should have been put out there immediately given that I expressed a need for monogamous. The fact that nothing was said about it makes this, to me, a breach of trust. On a human level. Hmmmm, okay never mind, I think I just answered my own question as to the '2 separate issues' thing. This posting was really just me trying to get at whether there was a D/s issue that I was not understanding in all of this.

The whole mistake here is thinking of poly v. mono as some kind of limit. It's not. It's a condition of the relationship. D/s is often about exploring boundaries and limits and even pushing them.

So if you and your dom discussed it as a limit, then I can understand, (though not necessarily condone,) why he is pushing you... or has made the assumption that your limit doesn't necessarily apply to him.

That he didn't say so is another matter. He should have been clear with you about this... but probably thought it a deal breaker.

So is that who you want? Someone who avoids that conversation?

The bottom line is that you have the right to break off the relationship and you know this but you want to force your dominant to comply with the rules you thought you both agreed to rather than move on, having found out he didn't communicate in good faith, or at least to your understanding of it...

but you don't get to "force" him to do anything. Not and still call yourself the submissive. And even if you could, would you want to? It's what makes vanilla relationships go sour after the passion wears off, this desire to "possess" a partner, it certainly won't work with someone who is a dominant, and shouldn't work for you, someone who is submissive and presumably prefers to be possessed.