wresting control back in the heat of passion

[skittish doe]

Thank you to everyone who has contributed their astute observations. I appreciate your thoughtful posts. It is my hope that they will continue as I attempt to sort through myself.

I would like to apologize for my omission in my original post. Yes thir, I am in fact in a vanilla marriage. Thank you Oz for bringing that fact to light. I did not intend to be misleading, although I did intentionally leave that out. To all: Please accept my apology for my exclusion of this pertinent detail.

My husband is a dominant-type vanilla person. He is very dominant in all areas of his life. This is part of what attracted me to him in the first place. He does know about my kink, in fact I disclosed my D/s desires to him early on in our dating. In my naivety, I really thought that he would become a Dom, once introduced to the concept. He even gave me a spanking before we shared our first kiss. It would be fair to say that he pursued a continuation of our relationship, cumulating in marriage, in spite of these (my) desires.

He did not tell me about his intense distaste for my D/s thoughts until (recently) after we had been married for almost 7 years. He dislikes any references to BDSM and gets extremely upset when I state any verbal labels. Words like “Dominance”, “submissiveness”, talking about my “submissive side”, and any reference to a “scene” tend to set him off, and so I try to avoid mention of them. With all that said, he does do things that (I think – as a newbie I don’t pretend to know) most folks would consider a scene. We also tend towards stereotypical gender roles. I do things like sit on the floor at his feet. I serve him his favorite drink, and generally wait on him. I ask him for permission for most activities.

[brwneydgirl]

He dislikes any references to BDSM and gets extremely upset when I state any verbal labels. Words like “Dominance”, “submissiveness”, talking about my “submissive side”, and any reference to a “scene” tend to set him off, and so I try to avoid mention of them.

This rings very true in my own case, doe. I have stopped trying at this point. It's not worth the arguments/crying/worrying. My way of handling things is not/will never be perfect, but it's all I can think to do right now so that his feelings aren't constantly hurt and he's not always questioning our marriage and his place. In my case, it was just easier to stop bringing it up. Stop any referrence to it.

Now I go to munches alone and local activies alone and I like it. I like to meet other people who don't judge me based on this aspect of who I am (or at least, not to my face). The first time I heard anyone use the term "Sir" --in a D/s fashion anyway--I wanted to cry...I know it sounds silly--it was at my local munch and it was the couple who sort of "run" it. She called him Sir and he responded to her and they just had such an easy way about their relationship. Nobody seemed tense about it and they are so open and easy with each other...I actually ended up sitting with them the entire night and they asked me questions and I asked them questions and it was really, really calm and nice...

There is a fetish fair coming to my area this weekend and I'll be going. They asked me to join them and told me that they'll keep their eyes on me and I appreciate it...it's nice to know someone is there standing at my back even if I am alone.

Now, sd...wanna wrestle? LMAO

[leo9]

it's nice to know someone is there standing at my back even if I am alone.

You are not alone {{HUG}}

[leo9]

Please accept my apology for my exclusion of this pertinent detail.

I understand why it was painful to bring it up, but you can see that without it we were missing a big piece of the picture.

In my naivety, I really thought that he would become a Dom, once introduced to the concept. He even gave me a spanking before we shared our first kiss. It would be fair to say that he pursued a continuation of our relationship, cumulating in marriage, in spite of these (my) desires.

Tragically, far too many people still go into marriage believing that love (or habit) will fix sexual incompatibility. They may unintentionally lead the other on by going along with what sie wants "for now," assuming they can teach hir differently later. And sometimes, people do get lucky, and their partner discovers a liking to match theirs: but more often they don't.

In this case, with all due sympathy for your pain, it looks to me as if you both made the mistake of thinking your partner would come around once you were married.

He did not tell me about his intense distaste for my D/s thoughts until (recently) after we had been married for almost 7 years. He dislikes any references to BDSM and gets extremely upset when I state any verbal labels. Words like “Dominance”, “submissiveness”, talking about my “submissive side”, and any reference to a “scene” tend to set him off, and so I try to avoid mention of them.

It would be my guess (given that he married you knowing about this) that his distaste has developed over the years, because he expected you to get over all that and you haven't. He probably feels about your BDSM needs the way he would feel if you were still dreaming of an old lover he'd expected you to forget.

My first wife went into our marriage playing along with my needs so enthusiastically that I believed it was real, then had a breakdown from the strain and made me drop it all: but even when I was prepared to live completely vanilla, she went off me because, she said, she couldn't bear knowing that the BDSM stuff was still going on in my head when we made love. If your husband knows it's still going on in your head, it's no wonder he doesn't want to be reminded; it would be like you yelling someone else's name when you came.

With all that said, he does do things that (I think – as a newbie I don’t pretend to know) most folks would consider a scene. We also tend towards stereotypical gender roles. I do things like sit on the floor at his feet. I serve him his favorite drink, and generally wait on him. I ask him for permission for most activities.

The wonderful thing about D/s is that it can turn being brought a cup of tea into a hot scene, and I'm glad you are able to enjoy that much.

It may well be that he is a Dom at heart, but can't face it consciously because he feels, too deeply to change, that it's perverted and sick. In which case, it may be that he's happy to let you take some control during sex because it reassures him that the two of you have a "normal" relationship in spite of your "perverted" desires. If you ever were to achieve your original wish of acting submissive even in extremis, you might upset this and make him more resentful of your needs. Not wanting to paint the devil on the wall, as the Danes say, but you should consider that risk.

It could be worse. My ex-slave actually managed to turn her husband on to BDSM to the extent that he became a noted Dom in their local BDSM community... and then found she couldn't submit to him. She still loved him, but the D/s chemistry wasn't there, if he tried to Dom her she just got angry. Maybe you have to accept and enjoy what you have.