Razor's Third Level Three Assignment. TERRIFYING

[H Dean]

okay - I am not going to quibble on "feeled" gaffe. That was a simple mistake. What I am going to quibble on is this:

The world around me shattered and whirled back into focus. Everything was new, and my senses readjusted. Salt on my tongue. Sweat in my nose. Blur in my eyes. Slapping in my ears. I feeled full. A wonderful warmth touched my soul like never before.

This is the part that is still missing something. It needs dirt - filth - agitation and stink. It's coming up short. Part of the reason is the choice of some of your words. More over, you need to make the juxtaposition between the filth and how wonderful she felt more shocking.

This sort of reminds me of a story I wrote for a contest. It was a grimy story - disgusting. That's what I want from this. I want disgusting. That's what this is all about - the disgusting at and how wonderful it was.

"Everything was new, and my senses readjusted" falls flat. I know what you're trying to do with this, but I think you can do more with it.

[Ruby]

okay - I am not going to quibble on "feeled" gaffe. That was a simple mistake. What I am going to quibble on is this:

The world around me shattered and whirled back into focus. Everything was new, and my senses readjusted. Salt on my tongue. Sweat in my nose. Blur in my eyes. Slapping in my ears. I feeled full. A wonderful warmth touched my soul like never before.

...

I know what you're trying to do with this, but I think you can do more with it.

I agree. It's good, but it could still be better, tighter, more raw and personal.

Mix it up a bit. Ask yourself, when did the world shatter? Before or after the wonderful warmth touched your lead's soul? After?

And did the world shatter or did "My world shattered."?