Quote Originally Posted by Nightstriker
The greater the risk the greater the reward, and No guts no glory.
Interesting. i like those phrases, NS, thanks.

Right, on to Pandora's quesion. my general thought on this subject and the one with which i'm gonna start my ramblings on a subject which fascinates me, is that submissives find it harder to come to terms with who they are, but dominants should find it harder. Make any sense? Probably not. LOL.

Firstly, the fact that submissivesness and any associated words are pejoratives in modern society, cannot, IMO, be overlooked. Dominance, control, power...these may not always be ideal words, but they don't have the same immediate negative personality connotations as submissive, powerLESS etc and i think, as a group, society is much less aux fait with the latter. No one ever questions why someone seeks promotion to a managerial position...but they do question why someone would want to stay in a position where they answered to someone else, if one had the opportunity for promotion.

i recently told a small number of people to whom i am very close about my interest/involvement with BDSM...and what they seemed most suprised (shocked?) by and that which they seemed most embarrassed by - was the fact that i was submissive. This didn't come as a suprise to me, in fact, i forsaw it and chose to leave 'that' bit till the very end of the tale.

Perhaps it's the very term submissive that's the problem, because i'm not entirely convinced it accurately conveys the set up in a Ds relationship, that being one person passing their power to another, based on a pre-arranged set of proposals.

In terms of gender identity, certainly i think it's the case that even in modern times, certain traits threaten male or female gender identity. i always use the analogy of poor hygiene....whereas it's completely unappealing for either gender to have poor levels of cleanliness, for men, it is always more likely to be a bit of a laugh and a joke, for women, it threatens the very notion of femininity....so, to, certain qualities are not always 'ok', but they're more accepted, depending on the persons gender. However, since the growth of feminisim and general empowering of women, i believe women and men alike have been left slightly in no-mans land (no pun intended) in terms of what they are supposed to be. (Incidentally, i personally believe that through feminism, women have in some respects been slightly painted into a corner and that this goes some way to explaining the relatively high proportion of women who have submissive fantasies). Women are actively encouraged (rightly) not to kowtow to anyone, to question anything people say etc..this is ingrained in us and therefore a desire to submit to someone is bound to cause some level of confusion.

i think what doesn't help matters, is a general misconception that all subs other than yourself (whoever) are so much more submissive...that you're the only one who is capable of thinking for yourself, still has quite strong opinions that they are more than happy to voice etc....certainly i felt like that for a long time. This can only be alleviated by getting to know other submissives. The people i encounter on these forums and in private chat have helped me immensely to better understand myself...it's, like..we can't all be 'bad' subs! *smiles*

i also think there is a notion that being dominant is a 'natural' part of the human condition, in a darwinian type sense..and to be submissive seems, therefore, to be UNnatural. Personally, i believe the opposite, i believe that traits which most subs manifest are vitally important for the equalibrium of society. On the same subject, i don't think Ds itself is remotely unnatural and the increase of it is merely an indicator that we are attempting to replicate something historical (if not slightly animalistic) that society would have us try to irradicate, that being the exchange of power between two individuals.

Finally, to go back to what i said about subs finding it harder but doms SHOULD find it harder....i basically think, based on what i've already said, that being dominant, whilst on the face of it, is preferable, actually requires a lot of consideration. i say this from the POV of the responsibility that it carries (which, btw, is possibly the fine line between not having a problem coming to terms with playing around with being dominant, but it being harder to get to grips with actually BEING a dominant) but also based on the hidden undertones of the concept. This is to say that whilst on the face of it 'dominant', 'control', 'power' may give the apperance of being preferable, scratch the surface and i think they require a lot of thought. In addition, whilst i am very fond of many subs and doms alike, i generally think that the human traits and qualities that most submissives have are more endearing than many traits that go hand in hand with being dominant. i say this not in a nasty way and i say it not just for bombastic idiots marching round BDSM chat rooms, but for all real dominants, including my own.

Right, i'll shush now, thanks for bringing this up Pandora, it's a really interesting one.

sl