Wannabe subs - an undiscussed topic?

[Timberwolf]

A bit of a ramble.

I think online is easeir in terms of casual fun, meaning finding someone in a chatroom to call "Master" for the evening.

But in terms of serious D/s relationships, I've yet to see anyone, anywhere provide any real backup to the "online is easier" claim, beyond stating it as if it's supposed to be some kind of fact. Very few offer much to back it up with. A lot of the "online is easier" thing seems to come from a group that refers to the "chat with someone for an evening" thing which I don't really consider a real D/s relationship to begin with (though I suppose that's a whole different debate). Which I suppose is at least half relevant to the wannabe/fringe group discussion in itself. People (generally) are very willing to label chatroom Doms as wannabees, but with subs there seems to be a lot more shades of gray permitted. I find it... interesting.

In terms of online being easier vs. reality for a serious, full time relationship, I guess that depends very much on what you're doing with it. If your D/s relationship is heavily based on tasking in various ways and reporting to your Master as one example (as opposed to, say, people really into bondage or masochism as examples), the activities you might be undertaking with your partner may not even change much based on the setting.

For me when it comes to moving online to real life, regardless of whether you're talking lifestyle or vanilla, I think it's probably wise to have an agreement about their being a "buffer period" of sorts on first meeting. No matter how crazy in love/lust(/whatever else) you might feel with someone online I think it's probably wise to meet in more of a friends capacity at first. If you then find that yes, the chemistry is definitely still there, then get back into the really fun stuff again. I think a lot of the "online is easier" thing when it comes to the serious relationshps probably comes from people trying to make the transition too fast, when maybe both parties could benefit from that "buffer period".

So to sum that up I don't really see "online is easier" as a D/s issue as much as a relationship issue that spans any style of relationship and how one makes that transition from the net to the home.

[Tojo]

T/W I totally agree with you!



Tojo

[Daes]

But in terms of serious D/s relationships, I've yet to see anyone, anywhere provide any real backup to the "online is easier" claim, beyond stating it as if it's supposed to be some kind of fact.

For a while I’d been contemplating letting this go, mainly because I have a TON to say about this issue and.. I can’t quite censor it without someone missing my point. But I have this urge to reinforce what I stated with reason. This was an opinion; it wasn’t forced on anyone or stated as fact. It was an opinion which I concluded based upon how I interpret BDSM and power exchange... I will just back up what I said earlier with reasonable conclusions and much explaining so there’s no question where I’m coming from. I don’t spew things out of my mouth just to say it, I really do Believe it.

Since my opinion is based upon the definition of the bdsm lifestyle, Ill begin with just that- how I interpret it. (Again, anyone can disagree with me, this is just how I percieve it. Not wanting to cause a debate, only explain my position.)

First, there are two kinds of this lifestyle. The first is an absolute full-time power exchange relationships, living with one another, not as much focused on as the more popular bdsm subculture. This would be the one most are familiar with. The play parties, chat rooms, role play, IRC, where majority (not all) of the participants are involved in a kind of bdsm fantasy life which accommodates for their sadomasochistic needs.

This is where the “easy” part comes in, from Which I had made my statement.

It’s incredibly easy to be an “Absolute Master” if your slave lives thousands of miles away from you, and is not physically there and in your face with resistance, frustration, confusion, and all the other problems that can/do occur during training. It's easy to obey orders over a computer screen or a telephone, as the person ordering you can't really see what you're doing or know how well (or how poorly) you are carrying out each task. It's a wonderful escape to leave all the realities, college, family, etc and just give in to these things that satisfy some submissive needs.

Anyone can pretend or take for granted what they are doing over a phone or on a computer. A sub can choose to do these things not out of devotion, only because of her sexual desire to do so and get off (to be blunt, though that’s not always the case). Its easier to speak about problems when you don’t have to see the other persons reaction, you have the independence to DO what you want when you are Not on the computer 24/7. The sub has a life that will be unobserved by the Dom. It is Easy. It is easy to make your Sir happy, with a few words, or a moment on cam. What’s happening the rest of the time? It’s in the subs’ hands. Total power exchange Cannot happen with this type of scenario, the Dom is not physically there to control this aspect of her life. He cannot make decisions for her. She makes her own.

To me that is easy. You cannot have a 24/7 relationship online. It’s just not possible to have an absolute power exchange via internet.

And, as I’ve stated in another thread “it's incredibly easy to dominate someone from a distance. It's so easy, in fact, that many men who are not genuinely dominant have discovered that if they put on this "act," they can have as many no-strings-attached cyber-slaves as they like. The problem comes when such "dominants" begin, as they often do, to believe their own propaganda and start to consider themselves to be superdoms, even though they've never had any experience in controlling anyone in real life.” ~Polly Peachum

There are dozens of problems that can/will occur when trying to online into real life but I wont expand on that- unless asked- since that wasn’t my original point.

Now if you want to define a real and workable BDSM life style for yourself, you must initially do a lot of hard work, get to know yourself very well, determine what you really need from power exchange, and the type of person that you want in your life. Finally, you must set out somehow to find what you want, to get it into your life, and not settle for anything less. ^_^

“Actually to dominate someone who lives with you requires much, much more from you than the ability to create a sexy fantasy on a computer screen or to assume a stern tone or to issue commands over the phone or in email to an always compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends the majority of her largely independent life without you.” ~Polly (love her)

I don’t believe that bdsm should Only be in certain areas of my life, on the contrary, it wouldn’t change how I am, how I serve from the moment I wake, fuck, or sleep. It’s not something I consider to be “only in the bedroom”. For me, it’s not a game, or a hobby, it’s a Lifestyle that I accept wholly without compromise, it’s who I am 24/7.

I say this because, some only want to experiment with it, and some only want it in certain aspects of their life. To me, that’s not real control. Its play. I say this because That is where I drew my conclusion that online is easy.

An absolute power exchange relationship requires soo much on the Dom’s part, responsibility (over the subs life, emotions, that she is not damaged by your decisions, words or actions), understanding, communicating, self control, maturity, experience, knowledge… theres Sooo much. These things are Not so necessary online, they can be dealt with off screen.

But when you are face to face with this person, you have to really Think.

For a sub, it might be different- I wouldn’t know, I cant speak in that area.

[Tojo]

You're going to make one heck of a sub for some lucky chappie Daes.

I hope you find the one you deserve.


Tojo