Razor's Third Level Three Assignment. TERRIFYING

[Razor7826]

(The Description for the January Contest: A Short Take is a very brief work -- a literary sketch, covering only a scene or single description, usually with only implications of a larger plot, introduction, or even resolution. Specifically for this contest, entries are limited to 250 words or less! (About one typed page).

There is no limit to subject or style, although entries should be prose (for poetry, see the Member Poetry Contest forum). Judging, as always, will be up to forum members with the suggested criteria of:

1. How unique, interesting and enjoyable was the story?
2. Were the technical aspects (quality of writing) successful?
3. Was the author able to convey a powerful impression of their subject within such a brief work?

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(Author's note: This is exactly 250 words, if you don't count the author and title




New
By Razor7826

I freeze. Everything around me swirls as the world around me shifts and stabilizes. I sit there, shocked from the flood of new sensations.

The senses begin to collate. A salty taste. A slapping noise. An incomprehensible field of fuzz. The smell of sweat. I feel full, and something reminds me of getting spanked by my father thirty years ago.

Then I realize what is going on. I'm sucking on a penis as its owner thrusts his hips back and forth. Another object pierces my vagina, but it doesn't hurt in the same way it used to.

I panic and start to scream. The people that are using me pull out. I fall to my side on a king-sized bed. I don't recognize either of them.

The bearded man bends over with a panic stricken face. His voice strains with anxiety. "Rachel! Rachel, what's wrong?"

The Asian woman that was assaulting me with him rushes to his side. "Rayche? Are you okay? Please, answer me!" She starts to cry, as if I'm her family, but her face is entirely unfamiliar.





They call it a fugue state. Dropping your life without even realizing it, and starting anew.

My name is not Rachel. It's Reverend Rebecca Kent, and for the rest of my life, I must hide from my parish the sins I committed as Rachel Phillips. I love my husband, but as each day drags by in my real life, I long for the touches of Mike and Michelle.

[Razor7826]

This was terrifying. Such a short word limit is extremely difficult, as 250 words is only a small fraction of the shorting things I've ever written. It was a good exercise on succinctness, but the way words are counted demandedshorter words rather than the right words.

[H Dean]

New
By Razor7826

I freeze. Everything around me swirls as the world around me shifts and stabilizes. I sit there, shocked from the flood of new sensations. Eliminate there. No need for it and it takes away from the piece.
The senses begin to collate. A salty taste. A slapping noise. An incomprehensible field of fuzz. The smell of sweat. I feel full, and something reminds me of getting spanked by my father thirty years ago.

Then I realize what is going on. I'm sucking on a penis as its owner thrusts his hips back and forth. Another object pierces my vagina, but it doesn't hurt in the same way it used to. Get rid of "then". "Penis" and "vagina" weaken this story. I know they are overused. But this is a raw moment - tool, cock, pussy, cunt, hole - all those would add to the raw.
I panic and start to scream. The people that are using me pull out. I fall to my side on a king-sized bed. I don't recognize either of them. Replace "that" with "who".

The bearded man bends over with a panic stricken face. His voice strains with anxiety. "Rachel! Rachel, what's wrong?"

The Asian woman that was assaulting me with him rushes to his side. "Rayche? Are you okay? Please, answer me!" She starts to cry, as if I'm her family, but her face is entirely unfamiliar.
Replace "that" with "who"





They call it a fugue state. Dropping your life without even realizing it, and starting anew.

My name is not Rachel. It's Reverend Rebecca Kent, and for the rest of my life, I must hide from my parish the sins I committed as Rachel Phillips. I love my husband, but as each day drags by in my real life, I long for the touches of Mike and Michelle.

I really liked this and how you did it. I would really like to see how grimy you can make this feel. This needs a re-write towards graphic and grimy sex - it is begging for it. I wanna know more about this gal.

You did make a very good use of the limitations.

[Razor7826]

Thanks for the positive feedback! Right now, it is sitting at 250 words, the maximum for the contest, and even with the eliminations you suggested, I only have five words remaining. I'll have to do a full rewrite if I am going to fit anything significant in, but this small of a word limit is difficult to deal with.

I know that penis and vagina tend to be frowned upon, but she's a Reverend. I think using 'cock' and 'pussy' after she returns to her former self would be out of character, so I need to find some middle ground.

[Razor7826]

(A complete rewrite, save for some similarities in the last few sentences. I tried to play up the dirtiness, and the contrast between her life as reverend and her life in a menage a trois. I agree with your advice that the filthy language works well.)

Fugue State (Version 2.0)
By Razor7826

The world around me shatters and whirls back into focus. Everything is new, and my senses readjust. Salt on my tongue. Sweat in my nose. Blur in my eyes. Slapping in my ears. I feel full, a wonderful warmth touching my soul like never before.

I realize my predicament. A cock in my mouth. Another in my pussy. I'm meat being bounced around for pleasure. I start to scream, and the filth in my mouth begins to rumble and erupt. They pull out, but the cock blasts warm cum over my face as I fall sideways onto the bed. My body feels sticky. This is not the first time I've been defiled.

A bearded man leans down and shakes me. "Rachel! Rachel, what's wrong?"

The Asian woman from behind screams in panic and drops her dildo. "Rayche, oh my god, are you okay?" She starts to cry, and they both hug me like a perfect little family. I recognize neither of them.



Four years gone. They call it a fugue state. Drop your life without realizing and start anew, a completely new person in the same living shell.

My name is not Rachel. It's Reverend Rebecca Kent. For the rest of my life, I must hide from my parish the disgusting sins I committed as that other woman.

I love my husband and daughters, but as each day passes, I long more and more for the gentle touches and filthy acts of life with Mike and Michelle Lee.

[Ruby]

Hi Razor,

First up, you tackled a big topic in a little bit of words.
Go you! There's a whole lot to think about and the
emotions have emerged and touched me as a reader.
Wanting, longing, losing herself. Very nice.

What can make it better?

The present tense really threw me for a loop here.

What is happening when? Or is everything happening in the now? If four years are gone, then why are we in the present tense? :-)

Yes, you've encountered one of my big no-no's.
Unless you are narrating something that is happening,
right now, then it's in the past and the past tense should be used. Period.

By changing the past to the past tense, and adding a transition to help us understand the timeline, if you can make this just a bit better.

Looking forward to the next update,

Ruby

[Razor7826]

The extra line breaks are supposed to denote a shift in time. The first part is her 'waking up', while the second is here reflecting on her two lives. (I have them separated by extra line breaks because a row of dashes would use up more words.

I'll do a rewrite in all past tense to see how it looks, but adding -ed to everything will boost the word count, so other stuff would have to get cut.

[Ruby]

Hi Razor,

When I'm submitting work with word limits, adding 'ed adds to the character count, but not the word count. Other tricks to save words include using contractions,
"is not" to "isn't" and the active tense.

I knew what you were doing with the line breaks, however, since it was all in present tense, I question this line.

Four years gone.

Okay, is that four years since she's been Rachel or four years since she's been the wife, mother, and reverend?

If you write the begining in the past tense and use the present tense for the second part, that conveys that she was Rachel, woke up and is now the reverend, perhaps confessing to a friend, priest or in her journal.

If that's the wrong timeline, then again, you can see how important the transition is to this tale.

Ruby

[H Dean]

Take more time. Write it slowly. Make it sound immediate. You're on to something with this. Make it dirty and rough and sweaty. Then make it clean and white and dull.

[Ruby]

[QUOTE=H Dean;486721] You're on to something with this. QUOTE]

What Dean said!

You are onto something with this. Keep at it.

Ruby

[Razor7826]

All 'word' counts that I've ever had to deal with before were counted via characters, with one word being every 5 keystokes (the average word is four letters and a space, supposedly). Do they count genuine words for the contest?


Edit: Finished another version, the main changes being a switch to past tense, a line separating the two eras, and a few changes in wording. It is okay to switch tenses between sections, right? (i.e. when she is reflecting on her current life at the end of the story). What about the sentence fragments when she is describing her senses?









Fugue State (V 2.1)
By Razor7826

The world around me shattered and whirled back into focus. Everything was new, and my senses readjusted. Salt on my tongue. Sweat in my nose. Blur in my eyes. Slapping in my ears. I felt full. A wonderful warmth touched my soul like never before.

I realized my predicament. A cock in my mouth. Another in my pussy. I was a dirty piece of meat being bounced around for pleasure. I started to scream, and the filth in my mouth began to rumble and erupt. The cock blasted warm cum over my face as I fell sideways onto the bed.

A bearded man leaned down and shook me with terror in his eyes. "Rachel! Rachel, what's wrong?"

The Asian woman from behind screamed in panic and dropped her pink dildo. "Rayche, oh my god, are you okay?" She started to cry, and they both hugged me like a perfect little family. I recognized neither of them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

They call it a fugue state. Drop your life without realizing and start anew, a completely new person in the same living shell.

My name is not Rachel. It's Reverend Rebecca Kent. For the rest of my life, I must hide from my parish the disgusting sins I committed as that other woman, maintaining the facade of purity that defines church life.

I love my husband and daughters, but as each day passes, I long more and more for the violent, filthy, and sinful acts which filled life with Mike and Michelle Lee.

[H Dean]

okay - I am not going to quibble on "feeled" gaffe. That was a simple mistake. What I am going to quibble on is this:

The world around me shattered and whirled back into focus. Everything was new, and my senses readjusted. Salt on my tongue. Sweat in my nose. Blur in my eyes. Slapping in my ears. I feeled full. A wonderful warmth touched my soul like never before.

This is the part that is still missing something. It needs dirt - filth - agitation and stink. It's coming up short. Part of the reason is the choice of some of your words. More over, you need to make the juxtaposition between the filth and how wonderful she felt more shocking.

This sort of reminds me of a story I wrote for a contest. It was a grimy story - disgusting. That's what I want from this. I want disgusting. That's what this is all about - the disgusting at and how wonderful it was.

"Everything was new, and my senses readjusted" falls flat. I know what you're trying to do with this, but I think you can do more with it.

[Ruby]

okay - I am not going to quibble on "feeled" gaffe. That was a simple mistake. What I am going to quibble on is this:

The world around me shattered and whirled back into focus. Everything was new, and my senses readjusted. Salt on my tongue. Sweat in my nose. Blur in my eyes. Slapping in my ears. I feeled full. A wonderful warmth touched my soul like never before.

...

I know what you're trying to do with this, but I think you can do more with it.

I agree. It's good, but it could still be better, tighter, more raw and personal.

Mix it up a bit. Ask yourself, when did the world shatter? Before or after the wonderful warmth touched your lead's soul? After?

And did the world shatter or did "My world shattered."?

[Razor7826]

A complete rewrite, taking to heart your advice to make it dirtier and to portray how much she loves it.


Fugue State (Version 4)

I sucked gleefully on Michael's cock as he rammed it to the back of my throat, his hands guiding my head along his length. His wife Michelle pierced my cunt with a strap-on and grasped my wrists, keeping me on my knees, exposed to their assaults.

As the duo ravished me, a sense of dread overcame by body, as if I was forgetting something of life-or-death importance. Within moments feeling dissipated, and I once again succumbed to the pleasure.

The couple handled me like a filthy piece of meat and I loved them for it. I licked the penetrating cock and thrust my hips in rhythm, feeling more satisfied and full than in my entire life.

Michael's cock erupted in my mouth and that feeling returned, but this time, it blossomed. It was at that moment I realized my tragedy.

Memories of my husband and children returned in a flash- memories of my spontaneous desertion.

I let loose a muffled scream and my lovers loosened their grip. I crumbled onto the bed and Mike's cum blasted across my face.

I cried in a pool of cum as I accepted my horrible mistake.

------------------------------------------------------

They call it a fugue state. Dropping your life and starting anew, without realizing it.

I'm Reverend Sarah Kent. For six years I lived as Veronica, the willing fuck-slave of Michael and Michelle Lee. I love my family, but my craving for defilement tears at my mind, and I feel myself slipping back into that life of perfect sin...

[H Dean]

First, I want to say that I really want to see it as it was before. I really liked it. I just wanted it more raw. Unfortunately, and much to my chagrin, I realized that I left something very important out of my advice. I so wanted you to catch everything on your own that I really fucked up. Most of my critique here will be to fill in those mistakes I made.

And awaaaaaaaaaay we go...


I sucked gleefully on Michael's cock as he rammed it to the back of my throat, his hands guiding my head along his length. His wife Michelle pierced my cunt with a strap-on and grasped my wrists, keeping me on my knees, exposed to their assaults.

In a scene like this you need to shorten your passages if you can. Get rid of "and" and add comas to join sentences. It builds tension and makes each sentence stand out more. I am going to give you an example of what I mean. Incidentally, this ain't gonna be perfect. Just a sort of quick example to show what I mean.

Michael's cock rammed into the back of my throat. Firm hands grasped my hair, holding me in place as I sucked. His wife, Michelle, armed with a strap-on dildo impaled my cunt. Her hands grasped my wrists tightly, enforcing her will that I kneel before their assualt.


As the duo ravished me, 1: a sense of dread overcame by body, as if I was forgetting something of life-or-death importance. Within moments feeling dissipated2: , and I once again succumbed to the pleasure.

1: I was ovecome by dread. 2: Get rid of the comma. It isn't needed with the "and".

As the duo ravaged my body I was overcome by dread; as if I had forgetten something of life or death importance. Within moments, the feeling dissipated, leaving me to succumb to pleasure.

My suggestion is not perfect. But you definately need to shorten things up. get rid of the extra words. Make it sharp and hard.



1: The couple handled me like a filthy piece of meat 2: and I loved them for it. I licked the penetrating cock 3: and thrust my hips in rhythm, 4: feeling more satisfied and full than in my entire life.

1: They 2: Get rid of the "and" and find another way to present this. Your "and" stifles the sudden impact this moment should have. 3: get rid of "and", throw in a comma and go with "thrusting" - it's immediate. 4: this made no sense. It was a fragmented thought. It should be its own sentence, as well. "I had never felt more satisfied or full than at that moment." or something to that effect.

Michael's cock erupted in my mouth and 1: that feeling returned, but this time, it 2: blossomed. 3: It was at that moment I realized my tragedy.

1: What feeling? 2: That feeling was the dread, I know. But dread doesn't blossom. It grows and festers. I causes fear and loathing. Blossomed is for flowers. 3: Too many words. Throw in a "suddenly" and you have your excitement.

Memories of my husband and children returned 1: in a flash- memories of my spontaneous desertion.

1: In a flash is sort of bad form. It also doesn't give the impact you want. You want those memories to "crash" in upon her.

I let loose a muffled scream 1: and my lovers loosened their grip. I crumbled onto the bed 2: and Mike's cum blasted across my face.

1: Throw in a period and start a new sentence. 2: Throw in a comma and then "mikes cum blasting across my face" or worse "Mikes cum blasting across my face, poluting my being". This is a moment of dread. Fill it in.

I cried in a pool of cum as I accepted my horrible mistake.

Was it a pool of cum or was she dripping the horrible evidence of her actions? Did she accept her mistake or did it stab at her soul?

------------------------------------------------------

[b]They call it a fugue state1: . Dropping your life and starting anew, without realizing it.

1: I do believe this should be a colon and not a period. Grammar Nazi, am I right? This is not my specialty.

I'm Reverend Sarah Kent. For six years I lived as Veronica, the willing fuck-slave of Michael and Michelle Lee. I love my family, but my craving for defilement tears at my mind1: , and I feel myself slipping back into that life of perfect sin...

1: There is that comma and an "and". That is your biggest weakness, I think. Your love of and is going to steal your thunder if you let it. Stop that sentence and give me something more dreamy for this ending.

Okay, I beat this up pretty good. I should have beat up a lot of these things before. So, don't go beating yourself up over my comments. You have a knack for created a good scene and, as I mentioned before, I like this one a lot.

Stop using "and" all the time and stop throwing in commas with every conjunction. If you want to create a notion of haste, emergency, excitement - well, you shorten things. You make them choppy.
You connect with commas, not conjunctions.

You connect with commas and not conjunctions.

Good stuff, over all, though.

[Razor7826]

Do you think I should modify the earlier draft or polish up this draft?

[Nikita]

Hi Razer,

I'm just another pair of eyes and here's my two cents.

I read the original assignment, the comments by Ruby and Dean, and the revisions.

Version 4 that has Dean's input is my favorite. It pulled me in. The descriptions from the submissives point of view were raw, slutty, and cruel.

If it were mine, I'd kick this out,

They call it a fugue state. Dropping your life and starting anew, without realizing it.

I'm Reverend Sarah Kent. For six years I lived as Veronica, the willing fuck-slave of Michael and Michelle Lee. I love my family, but my craving for defilement tears at my mind, and I feel myself slipping back into that life of perfect sin...

Why?

You have to give the reader credit for knowing what fugue means. Don't spell things out. Show, don't tell. You can use the highlighted parts of this paragraph in the body of the piece by massaging the words.

It is less restricting. You'll more room to play with other elements that allow the story to develop. In other words, I think that paragraph will box you in.

I want to know how the ravished, cock sucking, ass-fucked piece of meat got there and what's going to happen next. *rubs hands together*

[Ruby]

Razor,

You can work on either version.
The story is wonderful, compelling and gripping.
It's the telling of it that needs just a bit more work.

Both Dean and Nikita have raised some excellent points.

Here's a few more suggestions, that may contradict with the others.

1. Don't use a ";" - semicolon - for a period or comma.
Use the appropriate one.

2. You can save many words, keep up the pacing and help this story by removing the "It was" passive tense.

3. I agree with Nikita. By defining the word that you have used in the title,
you are using valuable words that can be used elsewhere.

4. The transition that defines the word, cuts the pacing and
jars the reader. I'd like to see this done without that transition.
Use something that will tell us what's going on now, versus then,
but that won't need 4 blank lines in such a short story.

If I were to only edit what you have here, this is what I would do to it.
Not writing, just editing:

Fugue State (Version 4) - editing sample

I sucked gleefully on Michael's cock as he rammed it to the back of my throat. His hands guided my head along his length. Michelle pierced my cunt with a strap-on and grasped my wrists. She kept me on my knees, exposed to their assaults.

As the duo ravished me, a sense of dread overcame me. Had I forgotten something of life-or-death importance? Within moments the feeling dissipated. Once again, I succumbed to the pleasure.

The couple handled me like a filthy piece of meat. I loved them for it. Licking the penetrating cock, I thrust my hips in rhythm, feeling more satisfied and full than ever before.

Michael's cock erupted in my mouth. That feeling returned. Yet this time, it blossomed. At that moment, I realized my tragedy.

Memories of my husband and children returned, along with memories of my spontaneous desertion.

I let loose a muffled scream. My lovers loosened their grip. I crumbled onto the bed and Mike's cum blasted across my face.

Crying in a pool of cum, I accepted my horrible mistake.

From here you can either fill in more juicy details in the middle, or
elaborate on the mistake. I believe the ending is stronger,
if left at the last line.

I accepted my horrible mistake.

That's powerful and thought provoking.

I don't need to know her name or her title.
I don't care if the couple are married or not.
I care about what's going on and why it's a mistake.

Hang in there.

You've proved you can write, now it's time to take it one more step farther.

Think about how you presented the story.
How you can mix up the sentence form and structure to make it stronger?
What details are important and what feeling do you want to leave the reader with?

To your success!

Ruby

[H Dean]

We are on this the way we are, Razor, because you are just short. Right on the edge of that line and we are wanting you to cross it. I think none of us wants you to do it based on our advice so much as on your discovery of how to cross the line. If you discover how to cross that line it will be like a curtain opening.

[Razor7826]

(I think this is the best version so far. It uses the stronger start and finish of the newer version while incorporating some parts from the earlier versions

Fugue State (Version 4.1)

I sucked gleefully on Michael's cock as he rammed it to the back of my throat. His hands guided my head along his length as I licked it with my tongue, enjoying every minute. Michelle pierced my cunt with a strap-on and grasped my wrists. She kept me on my knees, helpless against their assaults.

As the duo ravished my body, a feeling of dread overcame me. Had I forgotten something of life-or-death importance? Within moments the feeling dissipated.

Once again, I succumbed to the pleasure. They handled me like a filthy piece of meat, grasping my flesh and abusing my holes. Licking the penetrating cock, I thrust my hips in rhythm. I had never felt more satisfied and full than at that moment.

I worked Michael's cock until it erupted in my mouth. That feeling of dread returned, yet this time, it festered. Suddenly, I realized my tragedy.

Memories of my husband and children flooded back, along with memories of my spontaneous desertion.

I panicked and let loose a muffled scream. My lovers loosened their grip. I crumbled onto the bed in shock as Mike's cum blasted across my face.

He leaned down and shook me with terror in his eyes. "Rachel! Rachel, what's wrong?"

How did this happen? How could I abandon my family for a life of blissful hedonism?

Michelle screamed in fear, "Rayche, oh my god, are you okay?" She began to sob.

Crying in a pool of cum, I accepted my horrible mistake.

[Ruby]

Hi Razor,

I agree. This version is the best.

The pacing is much better.
It explains the story within the story with excellent word choices.
The emotional depth has been broadened a bit and leaves the reader firmly locked in the moment.

Summary: Wife leaves family for life of hedonism, enjoys it, then remembers herself, but accepts her new life as a mistake.

It's powerful and thought provoking.

I have but a few editing suggestions for you to consider, then you may enter this into the contest. Please also post your final version in this thread - and copyright it at the end.

(C) 2007 Name. All rights reserved.

1. The names are very close: Michael, Michelle, Rachel
You may want to consider changing the names so they don’t have all “l’s” or “M’s”.

Randy, Sue and Rachel,
Bob, Jane and Rachel,
Mike, Annie, and Rachel, ….

You see what I’m getting at here. Let each character have their own unique name that defines them.

2. If you keep the name Michael, and that’s what Rachel calls him, then either use Michael or Mike all the way through. The story is too short to change his name in the middle with the use of a nickname.

Fugue State (Version 4.1)

I sucked gleefully on Michael's cock as he rammed it to the back of my throat. His hands guided my head along his length as I licked it with my tongue, enjoying every minute. Michelle pierced my cunt with a strap-on and grasped my wrists. She kept me on my knees, helpless against their assaults.

As the duo ravished my body, a feeling of dread overcame me. Had I forgotten something of life-or-death importance? Within moments the feeling dissipated.

Once again, I succumbed to the pleasure. They handled me like a filthy piece of meat, grasping my flesh and abusing my holes. Licking the penetrating cock, I thrust my hips in rhythm. I had never felt more satisfied and full than at that moment.

I worked Michael's cock until it erupted in my mouth. That feeling of dread returned, yet this time, it festered. Suddenly, I realized my tragedy.

Memories of my husband and children flooded back, along with memories of my spontaneous desertion.

I panicked and let loose a muffled scream. My lovers loosened their grip. I crumbled onto the bed in shock as Mike's cum blasted across my face.

(Calling him Mike here is out of place.)

He leaned down and shook me with terror in his eyes. "Rachel! Rachel, what's wrong?"

How did this happen? How could I abandon my family for a life of blissful hedonism?

Michelle screamed in fear. "Rayche, oh my God, are you okay?" She began to sob.

(I really like Michelle's use of a nickname. It's very appropriate and lends an aura of closeness between them.)

(Screaming isn't speaking. A ".", period, ends that sentence before she speaks. And God, as in the Lord, gets a capital G. If you were speaking of a mythical god or goddess, then a lowercase g may be used.)

Crying in a pool of cum, I accepted my horrible mistake.

Back to you!

Ruby

[Razor7826]

Thank you very much for all your help, all three of you.

Seeing how well this short piece turned out, I think I will take another look at the other contests that are posted.

[Razor7826]

(I will refrain from submitting this for a few weeks, but this is likely the absolutely final version. Names changed to uniformly-Mike, Sarah, and Rachel.)


Fugue State


I sucked gleefully on Mike's cock as he rammed it to the back of my throat. His hands guided my head along his length as I licked it with my tongue, enjoying every minute. Sarah pierced my cunt with a strap-on and grasped my wrists. She kept me on my knees, helpless against their assaults.

As the duo ravished my body, a sense of dread overcame me. Had I forgotten something of life-or-death importance? Within moments the feeling dissipated.

Once again, I succumbed to the pleasure. They handled me like a filthy piece of meat, grasping my flesh and abusing my holes. Licking the penetrating cock, I thrust my hips in rhythm. I had never felt more satisfied and full than at that moment.

I worked Mike's cock until it erupted in my mouth. That feeling of dread returned, yet this time, it festered. Suddenly, I realized my tragedy.

Memories of my husband and children flooded back, along with memories of my spontaneous desertion.

I panicked and let loose a muffled scream. My lovers loosened their grip. I crumbled onto the bed in shock as Mike's cum blasted across my face.

He leaned down and shook me with terror in his eyes. "Rachel! Rachel, what's wrong?"

How did this happen? How could I abandon my family for a life of blissful hedonism?

Sarah yelled in fear, "Rayche, oh my God, are you okay?" She began to sob.

Crying in a pool of cum, I accepted my horrible mistake.

(C) 2007 Razor7826. All rights reserved.

[Beswitchingly Positive]

Nice rewrite on the rewrites. I like it very much, the end result.

The only part I had a bit of trouble with is the last line. Maybe I am dense, but I can't tell if it is her horrible nature she was accepting or perhaps she realised her horrible mistake? Maybe she was wallowing in it, crying, but her feeling at the end is not clear from the words you chose.

If she was accepting it, why cry? Was she changing her mind about being a fuck toy or leaving her family? Gosh if that last bit was clear this would be a gem of a little taste of story.

Oh, and is her hedonism "blissful"? Guilt filled maybe, I did not really get a feeling she was blissed out for long...sinful hedonism maybe...

[H Dean]

Well, I've been away for awhile and will still be out of the loop for awhile. My home puter chip went bad and I can only access the library at work. Still, I saw this version of the story and I am quite pleased by what I read. You seemed to finally hit it right, Razor. Congratulations on a job well done.