How to bring a new gf without experience into bdsm??

[Mnemonic]

I've a problem, i've this girlfriend for about a year. She's all nice and that but she's scared of bondage,.. she knows im into it. She knew this even before we started a relationship. Hovever she has a traumatic experience with bondage, let me explain.

Her sister has been raped by her ex BF, she was bound to the bed with rope and a gun was held to her head. She escaped, 1 day later the police found him dead, he commited suicide. This boyfriend came along the house for years even after they broke up and was thrusted to the fullest extend.

Im not experienced as a dom but I am a carefull guy and I read into it allot, I promised her I would never tie her up if she didn't want to. I didn't mention I like D/s too, I thought that might scare her off way too much.

How do I get her to read into bdsm and convince her it's not that scary and weird?? I know I should take baby steps but confronting her with some handcuffs like playing isent an option for me. I'm a man of my word. She says she understands that I like it but she just freaks out by the thought of some1 holding her hand. I tried holding her hands tight above her head, a bit dominantly and she didnt seem to mind.

Any suggestions what to do??

[GaryWilcox]

I think most of this is something that comes from communication and working out trust.

Establish limits, establish what is safe, and at first make no attempt to push those boundaries.

I think many of the submissives here will agree, that where things like anxiety attacks can occur, it's important to develop trust. Reward success, and never lie. Create an atmosphere where she is comfortable with communicating her needs and discussing fears openly. Most of all, if you get in over your heads and she begins to change, consider therapy. Decide at the beginning whether you will take responsibility for her if the burden of her desire to please you and her fear of bondage should prove too much for her. If that is too much of a burden, then perhaps you must sacrifice your D/s needs to keep her healthy, or find someone else.

The burden of all of this is not solely on you. She must also work to satisfy you, within the limits of what her fears will allow. If she is somehow unconcerned with making you happy, then you should reconsider the relationship. In cases like her's, so much must ride on her limits... but there must also be an effort on her part to fulfill you, or there is no true D/s.

My recommendation? (And you probably won't like this part...) Keep the relationship nonsexual at first, removing all BDSM elements from sexual contact, and sublimating sexual activity to begin with, but not completely abstaining from it. Set aside time to explore simple D/s issues together, take time so she can find joy in being commanded by you, getting approval from you for a job well done. The forum has excellent resources for this kind of thing, exercises you can do together to establish the nature of the relationship and explore what it will mean for her to surrender herself to you.

Some of the submissives on this forum have had abusive pasts, and are willing to talk about ideas to make the introduction period go smooth and safe. Jaeangel in particular would be a tremendous resource, if I were in your position.

Good luck!

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Any suggestions what to do??

Take baby steps. Talk a lot about it. Answer all of her questions at length and with good information. Assure her that BDSM is not some monster waiting to jump out of the closet at her.

Keep things very, very simple at first. Show her simply what a rope feels like tied around her wrist. You don't even have to tie her wrist to anything, just tie the rope on her and let her feel it. Or if you want her to wear a collar, let her feel that on her neck and tell her what all it symbolizes.

Most importantly, know what you are doing. Be able to explain thing to her so she feels safe doing them with you. Let her know that you are not out to harm her in any way and that you want to do this to bring the two of you closer together.

Finally, if she needs any support or advice, have her create an account here. I'm sure we'll all love to tell her what to expect. Of course, we might also confuse her with our multitudes of responses, but advice is advice. When it's free, it can't hurt to listen to it.

[Dngnkeeper]

Any suggestions what to do??

Gary and Tour Guide have dropped in with some great words and wisdom.

Probably the most important thing here is her desire to face and overcome the trauma and fear. She is the one who must choose to do this before you can help her at all. If she does you need to be ready to support, help and put in the time to communicate. Trust is difficult to establish under the best of conditions.

Getting her to talk honestly with you about her fears is important. As is finding someone for her to talk with that has over come trauma and fear. jeangle was my first thought too, but there others here as well. Also sharing with her how you have overcome your fears and the reasons for them can be useful.

As Gary noted she also needs to understand that she needs to satisfy you in the relationship as well. For her to do that, at least in the beginning, you will need to find ways to do so that do not involve bondage. Look around here to see if there are some things that you enjoy and share them with her, get her to do it as well. Sit down with yourself and make notes on how these can be used to establish trust with her and then act on that. Don't forget to reevaluate from time to time. One of the things I tell new couples in the lifestyle is to look for the "common ground", the things that interest both of you and start there. While bondage isn't on the list I bet you have some things that are.

Tour Guide's suggestion of non-bondage rope play is a great one. Find some soft and pretty rope and show her how it can grace her flesh and provide wonderful stimulation to the skin as well as the mind. She needs to learn that rope is not just a tool for rape and torture but, in the hands of a caring Dom, a tool that expresses love, trust and respect.

If both of you are willing to take the time to work through the trauma and fear the reward can be great.

[Kalluss]

Any suggestions what to do??

Those are great suggestions by Tourguide, GaryWilcox and Dngnkeepr.

I'll throw in my two cents and agree that you have to start with small steps.

A long time ago I knew a girl who had reservations about bondage, in her case it was a similar story. We talked alot, and the first several scenes were non-sexual. In each of those cases, I made sure the bondage was very "escapable". Often it was no more than a scarf wrapped around her wrists, while she held the ends in her own hands. I just had her lean up against me that night while we watched a movie. For the longest time, every time I tied her, I made sure that she knew she could get out of it if she wanted.

After a while her holding the ends were replaced by hitches that could be released by pulling on one of the ends, or trying that end to something so that if she wanted she could pull against it and release her self. We probably went through about three months of trust building exercises like that.

The first night I had her in tight bondage she safe worded after only a few minutes. We talked afterwards, and she said she worded, because she wanted to know that I would actually release her when she wanted.

Two nights later, she asked me to tie her again, and that time there was no safeword.

I don't know if she ever practiced bondage with anyone else after I moved, but I know that at least for a while, she was able to enjoy it with me.

To take another approach, depending on where you live, some groups put on bondage demonstrations, which would be a non-threatening way to introduce her as a third party.

Above all, don't push her there if she's not ready to go.

[Guiller]

As you say, baby steps, are necessary, i usually tell my girl she is tied, when really she is not, but she holds her wrists together behind her and there they stay.
no ropes or anything similar, they are not really necessary

[Curtis]

At the request of a previous poster, I've gone back through this thread three times, and it seems to me that a major point has been missed. I see no indication that the girlfriend in question is submissive in nature. Several people have made suggestions for how to handle it if she's uninterested, but what if she's dominantly inclined?

A common suggestion in sex manuals of the 70s and 80s for people who wanted to try kinky stuff was that turnabout is fair play. Therefore, if he wants her to be comfortable trying bondage, or any other version of D&S, maybe he could try letting HER be the one in charge. Even if she does turn out to be a bottom, she may grow more quickly comfortable with the idea of doing it at all if she's the one with the whip hand. It can teach her the limits of what to expect from a responsible top, and therefore of what she can expect when it's her turn on the bottom.

If it turns out that she likes topping, then either the two of them find others to play with, or hope that neither minds switching.

The first two women I tried to interest in B&D both said, "Cool, as long as I'm the one tying you up." Since that didn't interest me, it never went any further, but that immediately occured to me as a possibility in this case (along with her not being interested at all, but that's been well covered).

[sayuri]

Maybe not at first but some day you could try pushing her gently by "threatening" (sorry, the word may sound harsh but my vocabulary is limited).

You can for example ask her to keep hands behind her back, fingers crossed and tell her that breaking this position will lead to using rope or scarf. If she feels ready to try some light bondage she'll have a way to "control" the situation.

Please talk about this first, it can be even more scary for her to be pushed this way. Also be sure she won't do it just to please you (at this phase anyway). It just might help her find something even more than bondage (D/s?).

You can also keep some bondage materials beside your bed so she can try them on if she wants to (believe me, sometimes having a few moments alone with some toys might do the trick) and -more important- sees you will not use them on her without permission.

[Kalluss]

At the request of a previous poster, I've gone back through this thread three times, and it seems to me that a major point has been missed. I see no indication that the girlfriend in question is submissive in nature. Several people have made suggestions for how to handle it if she's uninterested, but what if she's dominantly inclined?

I was thinking about this as I was driving to LA and back the last two days. It goes without saying that if she truly has no desire to even explore BDSM, that you probably will not have great success in convincing her.

[himind]

Any suggestions what to do??

It's a very difficult thing to do and I've had to face the same problem myself with my gf(now wife).She came from a strict household where children were routinely spanked (not very rare in India even now)and was very scared of being spanked.The only way I see to solve this issue is to ensure that your Gf has complete faith in you and will trust you to any extent. Onyl then should you attempt to initiate a bdsm scene.I made this mistake of frocing her into it before she was ready for it and it took me some time to repair the damage. Even now, I'm slowly upping the ante,as it were,and am gradually increasing the intensity of the whole scene. I hope my experience helps you somewhat.

[Ruby]

[QUOTE= Any suggestions what to do??[/QUOTE]

Ask her about her fantasies. Really take the time to listen.
What gets her off and excited?
What, if anything, about her answers excites you?
How compatable are you?

Curtis had a very valid point -- "I see no indication that the girlfriend in question is submissive in nature. Several people have made suggestions for how to handle it if she's uninterested, but what if she's dominantly inclined?"

Remember: just because you're into bondage doesn't mean she is
or wants to be. It can be a very scary thing, even in play. Trust is critical.

There is plenty of great advice posted in the previous answers,
please re-read them and think about what you both want
out of your relationship. If you don't know what she wants then ask her.

If you do slip in a move like holding her hands over her head or asking
her to pretend being tied, etc, ask her "Is this okay?" "Like this, baby?"
Whatever words you grunt, but for heavens sakes, give her the chance
to say "keep going or stop". You will score big points in the trust department and keep the door open for further "discussion / re-enactments" at a later time.

If she says, "no", she might mean, modify your grip. Not everyone can
speak in sentences in the heat of the moment and the tone of the no
will give you a clue, but not enough. The "how about this?" question should follow a no, or "no what?" It might be a mood killer, but it could be a relationship saver.

Getting off my soapbox, Ruby

[azraelle]

...and it seems to me that a major point has been missed. I see no indication that the girlfriend in question is submissive in nature...

Thank You! As a guy who is (or would be if...) submissive, it is a constant wonder to me why guys that fancy themselves as "dominant" seem to feel that any girl they are interested in couldn't possibly be dominant as well. It goes way beyond simple wishful thinking on their part. Almost like they are (secretly) insecure in their masculinity?

[BDSM_Tourguide]

It goes way beyond simple wishful thinking on their part. Almost like they are (secretly) insecure in their masculinity?

Yeah. There's that.

And then there's the fact that about 75% of females involved in BDSM are submissive. Besides, he mentioned in his post that they had talked about tying her up or holding her down. If she had wanted to interject a preference to be dominant, I'm sure she could have mentioned it when they discussed it.

Of course, that part of the discussion might not have made it to this forum. Who knows?

As a guy who is dominant, it is a constant wonder to me that guys that think of themselves as "submissives" tend to want the girls they meet to be dominant. Perhaps it's wishful thinking that they will eventually run into the one-in-four that actually is.

P.S. There's a thread for new members to introduce themselves in General Talk. Perhaps you'd like to have a look at it and post one of your own?

[azraelle]

As a guy who is dominant, it is a constant wonder to me that guys that think of themselves as "submissives" tend to want the girls they meet to be dominant. Perhaps it's wishful thinking that they will eventually run into the one-in-four that actually is.

Touche'!
As for:

P.S. There's a thread for new members to introduce themselves in General Talk. Perhaps you'd like to have a look at it and post one of your own?

Let me get a "feel" for this first, sorry, a bit shy--maybe I'm not so secure in my gender either?

[csr]

Thank You! As a guy who is (or would be if...) submissive, it is a constant wonder to me why guys that fancy themselves as "dominant" seem to feel that any girl they are interested in couldn't possibly be dominant as well. It goes way beyond simple wishful thinking on their part. Almost like they are (secretly) insecure in their masculinity?

I was kind of thinking that too...and like Curtis, I re-read the thread 3 times to make sure I wasn't missing anything. I'm sure you were joking about the "insecure in their masculinity" bit though. Not a quip I would make around here since it is for the most part a M/Dom/f/sub club and Tourguide's less-than-charming answer is probably the least of what you could expect if you touch a nerve.

There's a thread around here about Dom's hitting on Dommes and why it happens so much. I think your point is along similar lines to that phenomenon. I was at a munch recently where a M/Dom we had met was flirting with my mistress in a dominant fashion. She was polite, but as intelligent as he was, he just didn't get that she wasn't going to flirt back--even though he defninitely knew her role. We both thought that was weird.

And then there's the fact that about 75% of females involved in BDSM are submissive.

I'm sure that's true... but at this point she's not "involved in BDSM" and maybe, just maybe she's like the clear majority of human beings and not turned on by either role.

Besides, he mentioned in his post that they had talked about tying her up or holding her down.

Not really. He said: " I tried holding her hands tight above her head, a bit dominantly and she didn't seem to mind." Hell, I do that to my 100% Domme gf in the course of vanilla sex. She likes it, but it would be a cold day in hell before she'd let me put handcuffs on her.

Actually, I introduced her to BDSM. When we met, and had dated for a while I brought up the subject. She was interested and wanted to try. Her first experiment was as a f/sub... I tied her, just how I would have wanted on my first time. Turns out, she didn't like the feeling at all--and soon discovered she liked the control. That was good for me, of course cause I really don't think I'm a switch at all.

So what I'm really trying to say is: although this thread is filled with good advice, Mnemonic is hoping that a vanilla girl will try bdsm and like it. Regardless of who tops whom, if she thinks it is "scary and weird" as he said, then it's not likely that it is a latent, undiscovered turn-on for her.