are all Doms polyamorous?

[sinderella]

and if You are polyamorous, do You tell her right away?

first, i apologize if anyone posted this question before...i am new here and don't know if this topic has been brought up before. i was going to ask this question in the Submissive's Couch, but decided i would like to hear what Doms and Masters have to say.

i am somewhat new to the world of D/s, having fully experienced only one Master, and i was not collared, although He had planned that for me and was training me to be His sub exclusively. we were lovers for a while before He told me what He was, what BDSM was, and i got an education, no doubt. while much of my education was conducted by Him, i also was tasked to learn about it online, and many times it seemed as if the Master to submissive ratio was not equal - in fact, generally speaking, it appeared as if most Doms had more than one submissive. as my trust grew and as our bond strengthened, i asked Him about it, and He said He did not have any other submissives.

time passed, and He moved out of the house He shared with His vanilla wife, who knew nothing about His D/s life. when she found out, she kicked Him out of their house. He got an apartment, and that is when i found out a lot of things about him:

He regularly attended scenes in this building in downtown Phoenix during the evening hours. He couldn't tell me where but He did tell me that while there, He would have sex with women, but that they were all extremely careful and practiced safe sex, and He had lived this way for many years, well before i ever knew Him, and He produced medical records to show that He was free from any STD.

He told me that He had moved in with two submissives, or slaves, as He referred to them. one was in some sort of financial trouble and had nowhere to go, so He allowed her to live with Him, and they were lovers at scenes He attended, so that is how they knew each other. the other girl was someone He had been seeing off-and-on while i was with Him, and He was training her to wear His collar also, which i did not know. being the sort who wants to get to the bottom of things because i hate things to go unresolved, i asked Him to tell me everything.

and He did.

He told me that he had many submissives, and that He shared these subs with other Doms, but was not willing to share me with anyone, and would not tolerate my exploration with any man, Dom or vanilla. the fact is, i was so enamoured with Him, i had a blind eye for anyone but Him. i asked Him if He loved these women and he said 'no, they are like furniture to Me'. i asked 'am i like furniture to You?' and He said of course not. you don't actually fit into any category in My world, but You are in it anyway'. so we continued to see each other, but now i started to feel doubt creeping in, wondering if i pleased Him as well as so-and-so did, etc.

one night i went to His apartment to discuss what i wanted to do, stay or go, and His submissive was there, confined to the bedroom. the plan was that i would meet her and see if i liked her, but first He had His own plans for me, and after, i would decide if i wanted to accept the whole situation or not, possibly becoming part of it, sharing Him with these other women. wanting to please Him, i did as He directed me to do, undressing right there in His living room with His sub just behind the door a few feet away, even though i was horribly uncomfortable with her there knowing what was going on. after it was over, He told her she could come out and she didn't seem upset at all, although it was clear to anyone within hearing distance what had taken place. i felt i had to apologize to her and she just shrugged her shoulders, saying 'that's ok, i was watching Twin Peaks, so it sort of fit'.

ultimately i couldn't reconcile being one of many, so we parted ways. after that i still looked for BDSM info and imagery on the internet and it seems as if many Doms have many submissives.

are all Doms polyamorous, moreso than even vanilla men? does this way of life attract men who are already polyamorous?

this is something that i have wondered about for a long time, and i definitely do not make any character assumptions at all, because i think Doms and Masters are a-w-e-s-o-m-e, and they have their reasons for doing what they do - i just have these questions about this particular topic.

thank you.

[Ragoczy]

No, not all. Many are because there's a tendency for there to be more submissives than dominants in a given community -- or by personal choice.

Personally I prefer monogamy.

[Veralynne]

I'm a sub, sinderella, but I will try to answer anyway. Personally I am a very jealous person, and would not be able to share a Master with other subs. My current Master not only understands this, but expresses that He does not want or desire to have any other subs. He would also never want to share me with another Dom. I think there are many subs here in similar relationships. You can often have a long-term committed relationship/marriage with your Dom based upon monogamy. I don't think you should feel that you need to settle for a Dom that isn't willing to be exclusive to just you if you don't want to. Keep looking until you find a Master who gives you everything you want and more. They're out there somewhere... good luck babe!!

[IAmCanadian]

My current Master not only understands this, but expresses that He does not want or desire to have any other subs. He would also never want to share me with another Dom.

Not only any other Dom/Domme, but any other person, period. Ferrets and cats, I'll allow.

To the TS, I am a dom and I am not polyamorous at all. I didn't get into this to have a harem- rather, I focus all of my energy on the fulfillment and care of my dear pet.
I can't imagine burning that brightly for multiple women at the same time. My girl radiates through the unpartitioned whole of my life.

[voxelectronica]

First of all it seems to me that this guy was just a liar.

If you can keep a "secret life" from someone that you live with then you are a pretty accomplished liar.

There are a few subs that I would drop it all for. That I as a bisexual switch would pick a gender and a role for and just be with them. I would use them like a rented Sherpa for sure but they would be my one and only.

If i was to have multiples I still wouldn't call it polyamorous. Amorous implies love. I usually only love one person at a time. Playing with other people is not a big deal for me. I can take it or leave it. I think of it the same way i think about vanilla threesomes; they're better when with people you wont ever see again.

So i guess in short the answer is no not every Dom has multiple slaves. I will if it's an online thing. I really want to rent out a sub in some sort of sex party and push those limits of monogamy that some of them have (and for other perverted reasons) but I personally don't need more than ONE GOOD sub. I certainly wouldn't have real feelings for more than one and effectively if it was a switch sub I'd let her Dom any other sub after her.

Anyway i would also like to say... welcome to the lifestyle not all of us are liars.

[SubmissiveDoll]

I'm a sub, but I'll throw my 2 cents in. My Master and I are monogamous. He has said he has no interest in being with anyone else. Same with me. I'm extremely territorial and jealous, there is no way in hell I'd share myself or him.

The poly/multiple thing does happen a lot in the D/s world. However, I know I was surprised by how few people actually practice this. I'm sure you will be on the same boat I was. A big turn off of the lifestyle for me, for a long time, was the idea that I would have to share my Master when I had one. After I got to know some people in the lifestyle and learned more about it, I realized my previous perceptions were incorrect. I hope that the wonderful people here chime in with their thoughts.

Yes there are people who have multiple subs and while it's common enough, it's not always true of all Doms.

[leah06]

I don't think I would call this guy polyamorous. Pathological, maybe. This issue isn't what a Dom does, it's what he says he does. Then you can make an informed choice.

[sinderella]

thank you. i appreciate everyone's opinion very much, sub or Dom.

speaking of which, i looked for and found a place here in Arizona where you can connect with people who share this way of life. oh boy...i got invited to a 'munch' at an IHOP downtown...it's tomorrow from 2:00 to 4:00, and every third Sunday of every month, or something, so i don't know if i will go i mean they are still strangers....have any of you ever gone to one and what did you think? just curious. part of me thinks it would be interesting to meet people in an ordinary setting and see what they are like.

[leah06]

thank you. i appreciate everyone's opinion very much, sub or Dom.

speaking of which, i looked for and found a place here in Arizona where you can connect with people who share this way of life. oh boy...i got invited to a 'munch' at an IHOP downtown...it's tomorrow from 2:00 to 4:00, and every third Sunday of every month, or something, so i don't know if i will go i mean they are still strangers....have any of you ever gone to one and what did you think? just curious. part of me thinks it would be interesting to meet people in an ordinary setting and see what they are like.

Well, like you I have been really trying to get plugged into a community and not just have coffee with random strangers who post on CL or collarme. So far, I've been on a tour of a local dungeon and to a munch. The dungeon tour was not at the top of my list because I'm not looking to play with strangers, and certainly not in public, but I thought I could network a little - and it was SURPRISINGLY non-threatening. Of course, the club was not in use at the time, but the people were really nice, and interesting, and the place was actually pretty warm and inviting, in a strange way.

Then I went to a munch that I had really been looking forward to, and it was HORRIBLE. I'm a city mouse, not a suburban girl, and it was in this sort of run-down restaurant in a run-down suburb, so that was not inviting for me. And while the people were all very nice, they were old. Old, old, old. Not old like me, old like I brought down the average age in the place by about 10 years. It was like having dinner with your very kinky grandma.

But. That will not stop me going to another munch, just not that one.

[SubmissiveDoll]

I'd say go for it. It's public and safe enough. Always take personal safety into consideration... don't run off in private with someone you don't know! That is common sense, not a BDSM rule. Doesn't matter what lifestyle you choose there are people who can hurt you. Be smart and safe. However I think it would be good for you to meet some people in the lifestyle, you will get a better understanding of how people work. All of us are different in the way we choose to live. I hope you choose to go, and I hope you have a wonderful time!

[SubmissiveDoll]

Double posted... Whoops!

[thedominthehat]

I am personally quite monogamous or at the very least I do not feel comfortable sharing something I consider an intimate experience with someone I do not know. So while I would consider some light play purely for fun with someone I met at a bdsm club, so far I just have not felt all that comfortable playing just for fun in public. However if I go to a few more events, I can see myself warming up to the idea as I get more comfortable with the regulars and the atmosphere.

Now on the other hand I am only a man and I do have that whole threesome complex and find it fun to fantasize about but in reality I like my intimate moments to be intimate and private.

So yeah, I am looking for one submissive that I can have a meaningful relationship with beyond sex, but if I cannot have that then I would probably be tempted toward the meaningless threesomes with teh crazies.

[voxelectronica]

So yeah, I am looking for one submissive that I can have a meaningful relationship with beyond sex, but if I cannot have that then I would probably be tempted toward the meaningless threesomes with teh crazies.

amen.

[tusayan]

You're likely to find many different viewpoints on this, it should be clear though that there are Doms out there that want exclusive relationships.

I'd have to agree with vox that I wouldn't always call it polyamorous because of what that word implies to me. I'd also have to disagree with IAmCanadian, a harem sounds good to me.

do You tell her right away?

Yes, IMO, it is very important to make these things clear up front and to be honest about whether I have other subbies - online or r/l. That includes whether or not I'm looking for a relationship period, much less something exclusive.

But that's just me, different people likely have different ways of broaching this subject. I'd rather have her know where I stand, even if it doesn't score points, than deal with drama down the road. If she doesn't like it, we can go our separate ways. If they feel they have to keep secrets, say all the "right things," or present a false front, it's a sign of insecurity or desperation. Again, just my opinion.

[voxelectronica]

I'd also have to disagree with IAmCanadian, a harem sounds good to me.

Doesn't it though?

I really like to sit around and think "mmm I would just love to have a sub. My own little girl who I can take care of and develop and be proud of and post her developments up on the fridge"... I would realistically really LOVE that.

I'm not going to turn down an opportunity to have a harem though. No. no, no. I can't quantify how stupid that would be to turn down.

I agree that I personally would rather be upfront about things I like and be told to piss off for it. In the end honesty is how to get everything you want.

That being said I could easily change my mind. Some people just aren't monogamous material. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Not that they're any less awesome. In some ways being able to share your sexuality with someone and really open up that YES you do want that other sub to play with for the night is a gift all in itself.

As far as poly relationships being more stable than mono (not that anyone here has said that directly)... I can't agree with that. Relationships end, change, develop, blossom on their own merits not by involvement. I have been in poly relationships that broke down when they went mono and vise versa.

[sinderella]

I don't think I would call this guy polyamorous. Pathological, maybe. This issue isn't what a Dom does, it's what he says he does. Then you can make an informed choice.

really?

interesting.

when i was with Him, He seemed completely normal in every respect...calm, centered, deliberate....i fell hard for Him......when He wasn't training me, He would take me to nice places i always wanted to go to, like to see "RENT", or the butterfly pavillion......He was so sweet. yes He lied to me but i still love Him. i never got over Him...my latest former interest reminds me of Him a lot, especially in how He talked to me....i wish i were jaded. this all would be so much easier to bear.

I'd say go for it. It's public and safe enough. Always take personal safety into consideration... don't run off in private with someone you don't know! That is common sense, not a BDSM rule. Doesn't matter what lifestyle you choose there are people who can hurt you. Be smart and safe. However I think it would be good for you to meet some people in the lifestyle, you will get a better understanding of how people work. All of us are different in the way we choose to live. I hope you choose to go, and I hope you have a wonderful time!

i didn't get the opportunity. i was helping my son with something that consumed my entire afternoon. next month for sure!

I focus all of my energy on the fulfillment and care of my dear pet.
I can't imagine burning that brightly for multiple women at the same time. My girl radiates through the unpartitioned whole of my life.

omg that is so beautiful. she is a lucky girl, no doubt.

In the end honesty is how to get everything you want.

ok, i am BRONZING that statement. perfection. tYvm.

Yes, IMO, it is very important to make these things clear up front and to be honest about whether I have other subbies - online or r/l. That includes whether or not I'm looking for a relationship period, much less something exclusive.

But that's just me, different people likely have different ways of broaching this subject. I'd rather have her know where I stand, even if it doesn't score points, than deal with drama down the road.

nodding my head, although You can't tell. thank You.

[ghanima{DM690}]

In my vanilla life I have never shared anyone. And yet being owned I share my Dom with another. We talked about it before he began talking with other subs. I found it very interesting that I was not only ok with it but eager to converse with his other sub, she by the way is great!. He has told me I am his number one and I love that but I also let him know that she needs his affection and teachings as well. Its like we are all learning and loving together. I found it is a great fit, but i dont think I could do it with just anyone though. and I dont think I will always be willing to share. yet I feel like it is almost a duty to share the teachings of BDSM to others. But this is just me and doesnt apply to everyone, for those that can great, for those that cant great as well. we all just have to find our fit in the world
*hugs

[SilverWulf]

In the past, all of my relationships contained some aspect of Poly. Each varied in whether it was an outright multiple partners relationship, sharing with others, or an open relationship.

I was the typical Domly one with two regular girls at any given time and a few more coming in and out of the relationship on a regular basis. I thought I was in heaven. My needs were being met (or so I thought) and I had a plethora of play partners to choose from.

All of these relationships eventually failed, despite intense dedication and working hard at keeping them going.

I have spent several months analyzing myself and asking myself the hard questions about what I want and who I am before even considering getting into a new relationship.

The saying goes that the definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome.

I am in a new and budding relationship that appears to have serious long term potential. I have completely put any idea of Poly or open relationship out of my mind. Not only that, those things are no longer appealing to me at all.

Poly might work well for some, if it does have a great time and enjoy. For me, I'm ready to focus on one girl and one girl only for a very long time.

[rsjankowski]

as much as i would love to have a harem of my own, and the fantasy of having 2 subs just rocks my imaginary world, i'm a very loyal person to whom i'm with even though i've had a few chances, i've turned them down as it just didn't feel right.

so i guess no, not all doms are polyamorous, although i bet we all wish we were

[Lisais mine]

Not me. I just have my one girl. she is my world. yeah, 'm a Dom, but I worship her just as much as she worships me, the Yin to my Yang- we complete each other. i can't think that there could be room in my hear to love someone as much as I love her.

[Hime]

so i guess no, not all doms are polyamorous, although i bet we all wish we were

I wish you all were, too!

Personally, I don't think of people who lie about how many partners they have as polyamorous -- I think of them as cheaters, i.e. examples of monogamy gone wrong. Being poly is about communicating and SHARING with multiple people. Lying isn't sharing.

For instance, if I have a pizza and you say "can I have a piece?" and I give you one, that's sharing. If I offer you a piece and I take it, that's sharing. If I look away for a second and you grab a piece and shove it in your mouth, that isn't sharing, it's stealing, even if I was going to offer it to you anyway.

[Lisais mine]

I wish you all were, too!

Personally, I don't think of people who lie about how many partners they have as polyamorous -- I think of them as cheaters, i.e. examples of monogamy gone wrong. Being poly is about communicating and SHARING with multiple people. Lying isn't sharing.

For instance, if I have a pizza and you say "can I have a piece?" and I give you one, that's sharing. If I offer you a piece and I take it, that's sharing. If I look away for a second and you grab a piece and shove it in your mouth, that isn't sharing, it's stealing, even if I was going to offer it to you anyway.

you are certianlly right- and I totally agree. I was married for 17 years, and we split up becaues she cheated. if she had come to me and said " i'm really hot for this guy- can i fuck him? do you mind?" I would have not had a problem. it was the liying and backstabbing that caused me to kick her out.

( funny aside? - when she was leaving, she tried to pack up her collar. I snatched it from her hands. she says- hey! that's mine! I said, no, i was letting you wear it. it belongs to me and you are not worthy..... I'll mail it to her new boyfriend on our wedding anniversary......)

[SubmissiveDoll]

( funny aside? - when she was leaving, she tried to pack up her collar. I snatched it from her hands. she says- hey! that's mine! I said, no, i was letting you wear it. it belongs to me and you are not worthy..... I'll mail it to her new boyfriend on our wedding anniversary......)

That may not be meant to be funny, but I certainly smiled. I firmly believe my collar belongs to my Master, not me. I'm allowed to wear it. If I want to continue wearing it, I must continue to deserve to wear it.

[voxelectronica]

For instance, if I have a pizza and you say "can I have a piece?" and I give you one, that's sharing. If I offer you a piece and I take it, that's sharing. If I look away for a second and you grab a piece and shove it in your mouth, that isn't sharing, it's stealing, even if I was going to offer it to you anyway.

great! now I want pizza!

[sinderella]

you know what, you guys? i am learning a lot...about this way of life, about people, and about myself. i understand that it is the keeping of secrets and the telling of lies that is truly hurtful, not how many submissives someone has, as long as all parties are aware of what is going on and accept it. thanks very much for your thoughts!

[Dom Teacher]

Every relationship is unique. It would be tough for me to be monogamous because of my curiosity and love of watching things unfold and grow, not to mention those damned sagi tendencies (not that i hold any credence to astrology, but its fun to use as a rationalization).

That said, a real relationship, which I assume are the relationships you ask about, takes time and energy*, but does anything else fun take anything less? Anyway, I have neither in big supply. It is not practical for me to have multiple relationships right now. I mean I could, but they would be shoddy, unreflective, and inattentive (This doesn't jive well with my capri tendencies). Maybe this is an over-romanticized view of BDSM, where Doms have serious responsibility over their submissives and their well-being, but if I am going to do something, I want to do it well.







*For "secret" relationships, multiply these factors by 5.3. Honesty definitely reduces load and subsequent friction.

[thir]

and if You are polyamorous, do You tell her right away?

YES!

as my trust grew and as our bond strengthened, i asked Him about it, and He said He did not have any other submissives.
...
time passed, and He moved out of the house He shared with His vanilla wife, who knew nothing about His D/s life.
...
I asked Him to tell me everything and He did.
...
He did tell me that while there, He would have sex with women, but that they were all extremely careful and practiced safe sex, and He had lived this way for many years, well before i ever knew Him, and He produced medical records to show that He was free from any STD.

It is quite obvious that this has nothing whatsoever to do with poly. First, You do not lie or cheat in poly. Secondly, Poly is short for loving more than one, so having an attitude that subs are 'furniture' to him also clearly shows that he is definitely not poly.

I would say be wary of types like this, he is lying whenever it suits him, and you cannot know when he is telling the truth and when not. So you cannot, for example, trust him when he says he is is practising safe sex. You could put your life in danger with persons life that.

are all Doms polyamorous, moreso than even vanilla men? does this way of life attract men who are already polyamorous?

I shouldn't think so. There are some who collect slaves but are not poly in the sense of loving more than one. That certainly does not make it wrong or anything, as long as all parties understand and accept of their own free choice that this is what they want, rather that some preconceived idea that it has to be like that just because one part is a dom/me. Everybody has got the right to choose a life-style that suits them.

Others are genuinely poly, in that they do love their subs.

this is something that i have wondered about for a long time, and i definitely do not make any character assumptions at all, because i think Doms and Masters are a-w-e-s-o-m-e, and they have their reasons for doing what they do - i just have these questions about this particular topic.

thank you.

They maybe awesome, but do not take it wrong when I say that there are many good doms our there but also some real bad apples, and you might want to be more careful whom you choose to have so much power over your life. A persons 'reasons' for doing what he or she does may not be good for others than themselves!

Certainly not everybody who calls themselves dom/mes are worth a damn, and the concept of dom should not be defiled by irresponsible people any more than the concept of poly should be defiled by liars and cheaters.

Good luck and safe search. :-)

[Aibo]

are all Doms polyamorous, moreso than even vanilla men? does this way of life attract men who are already polyamorous?

thank you.

No I would not say so judging from myself (and the small number of people with same interest I have around me in daily life.)

Sadly I have found that my female partners have been very polyamorous, one additional reason it didnt work out.

So I can only say that polyamory appear to be more common in the BDSM world than elsewhere, without saying it is true and right for all, since it isn't.

[Euryleia]

"are all Doms polyamorous, moreso than even vanilla men? does this way of life attract men who are already polyamorous?"

I can't speak for men but not all Domme's are poly either. I'm certainly not. I don't share well with others.

I think there are many attracted to the dominate way of life because they figure it is an easy way to get their pleasure without having to worry about their partners. In my not-so-humble opinion, that mind set is for psuedo-Dom's.

In your negotiations be clear what you need and ask the questions about their partners and commitment to monogamy. If you aren't getting the answers you want, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

[Mizar]

I myself am monogamous. To the extent, this is purely me, that I have my online sub, and no one else online or IRL. Why? I want other women, now, before, I will in the future. But that is not why I am a Dom. How can one be expected to be good at anything they do with too many things to deal with? Now, this is not a generalization, but my sub causes so many....problems...with not listening and so on. How can I be expected to have more than one. And why would I want more than one? Anything beyond one is just lustful. And while Lust is one of my problems, monogamy is something that I find, for myself, is the right choice.