Safe words for online play

[Wordsmith]

ok...so my online sub and I were talking and the subject of whether we needed a safe-word or not came up. Now...we are both very new to the online relationship aspect of this, and I am still a very new Domme, so we are learning together. We discussed whether a safe-word was necessary during online play, and came up with a solution that was acceptable to both of us. But I wanted to hear your opinions on the topic.

so my question is...

safe-words for online play necessary, superfluous or only needed in some circumstances? or do you have an opinion that is not listed in my assessment options..Let me hear them!

Thanks

[Ozme52]

Superfluous.

Online, just assure me you're doing what I tell you, (not pretending) and tell me if I ask you to do something you think is dangerous or pushes a limit I wasn't aware of.

Safewords are meant to replace the words "No" and "Stop" in such a way there's no confusion, when I'm in control.

Online the sub is in control of his or her own actions.

[Alex Bragi]

That’s a very good and interesting question, Ma am.

Well, I have to be honest, when I first read your post my initial reaction was to think, the same as Oz, but then I thought about it a little more. Many dominant and their submissives take their on-line relationships very serious, and so they should, since D/s play( r.t. or v.t.) is so often much more about mental rather than physical control. Imagine a situation where a submissive was commanded to do something that was, without the dominant's knowledge, unsafe or beyond the limits of what they were willing to do. Isn’t the quickest and simplest way to alert the dominant, without unnecessary interruption, a safe word?

Oz, I take your point, but I think the problem with "No" and "Stop" is that while they're sometimes a part of a submissive's regular vocabulary, "Please, stop whipping my poor little tender ass" .."No, please, don't..." R.t. or v.t. there could be confusion if these were also "safe words". I think too that "No!" and "Stop!" could be a bit of mood killer, generally, in the middle of a hot and heavy cyber session.

[Ozme52]

That’s a very good and interesting question, Ma am.

Well, I have to be honest, when I first read your post my initial reaction was to think, the same as Oz, but then I thought about it a little more. Many dominant and their submissives take their on-line relationships very serious, and so they should, since D/s play( r.t. or v.t.) is so often much more about mental rather than physical control. Imagine a situation where a submissive was commanded to do something that was, without the dominant's knowledge, unsafe or beyond the limits of what they were willing to do. Isn’t the quickest and simplest way to alert the dominant, without unnecessary interruption, a safe word?

Oz, I take your point, but I think the problem with "No" and "Stop" is that while they're sometimes a part of a submissive's regular vocabulary, "Please, stop whipping my poor little tender ass" .."No, please, don't..." R.t. or v.t. there could be confusion if these were also "safe words". I think too that "No!" and "Stop!" could be a bit of mood killer, generally, in the middle of a hot and heavy cyber session.

I think the issue is whether or not the submissive is in trouble... physically or emotionally. A safeword averts the potential for damage. Online just doesn't (IMO) have the danger unless the sub is willing to abuse herself. I avoid that ahead of time by admonishing them to tell me if I've stepped over a boundary.

The "mood" is irrelevant in such cases. Again, my opinion.

[Guest 91108]

I think the issue is whether or not the submissive is in trouble... physically or emotionally. A safeword averts the potential for damage. Online just doesn't (IMO) have the danger unless the sub is willing to abuse herself. I avoid that ahead of time by admonishing them to tell me if I've stepped over a boundary.

The "mood" is irrelevant in such cases. Again, my opinion.

hrm.. as my online gets very intense in many aspects.. I think this would have to be false. There is danger in online -- mental and emotional danger is just as valid. Words and thoughts can trigger much. I think the online safeword is necessary and I have pushed past online subs far enough to have to use them. It's not a negative thing for them to do so as I see it's part of what I'm to do .. to get them to push to new level or limits..

The Dom who doesn't stop ... well ... IMO .. others will eventually rethink what that person is.

[tired.of.vanilla{DJ}]

There should be an Online safe word. But it needs to be respected. Last night in chat for example...someone I will not name was overly ummm forceful. I was not up to the scene...but this person would not let up. I asked for a safe word, and when I was given one. I used it. It was ignored.
Having a safe word is important in all places...online or real life. But more importantly when you have a safe word...it needs to be respected. Otherwise what is the point?
I finally had to run away to escape the pressure. I hope that online safe words can be more effective in the future.

[snowflake]

There should be an Online safe word. But it needs to be respected. Last night in chat for example...someone I will not name was overly ummm forceful. I was not up to the scene...but this person would not let up. I asked for a safe word, and when I was given one. I used it. It was ignored.
Having a safe word is important in all places...online or real life. But more importantly when you have a safe word...it needs to be respected. Otherwise what is the point?
I finally had to run away to escape the pressure. I hope that online safe words can be more effective in the future.

It seems to me we both used that word and still that person wouldn't lay off...

i do have a safe word as well Ma_am with The Tester and a few others i play with online..

Reasons i think for safe words:

1. i wouldn't want to embarrass the one i am playing with just because they pushed to far... or i wouldn't want to ahve to run ot of the room.

2. in the case i want my Dom to watch over me when someone is bugging me.. Why should i have to leave because of their rudeness..

3. incase there is not a mod in the room at the time of the problem .. i mean the mods can not be there 24/7.. i know they are awesome mods but they are human to and have r/l lives.

4. Doms should learn to use safe words on here so when they do get into r/l situations, they will be used to using them. It can be used as a teaching tool...

that is just my opinion .. maybe wrong but i am glad to have my safeword just incase..

hugs

snow

[Flaming_Redhead]

The wonderful thing about being online is that you can click "ignore" or just close the window.

[Ozme52]

The wonderful thing about being online is that you can click "ignore" or just close the window.

Right. And if the perp is being obnoxious and not listening, safe word or not, tell the chat moderator.

There's little danger online.

[Alex Bragi]

Nothing to add--just notice your hotter than hot avatar, tired.of.vanilla.*g*

[tired.of.vanilla{DJ}]

Nothing to add--just notice your hotter than hot avatar, tired.of.vanilla.*g*

Thanks! I just made that last night. From a sample free picture online, made black and white and then....made that ass pink! ha! I just wish it was me in the shot!

[Aussiegirl1]

I have a safe word I can use with WB, though I have not had to use it yet. When our play started to get more serious, I just thought it good to have one, even if just to alert him very quickly if something is going on he is not aware of.

We do not play in chat, but use Skype, so he can hear me and see me via my webcam. Still there are times our play causes a lot of emotions for me, and it is good to know that if I need, I can call a stop to things with one word.

That does not mean I do not trust him to notice what is going on too, but as Oz says I am also responsible for telling him how I am doing. Having one word, I can use to quickly alert him to any major change, just seemed like a smart option.

[Logic1]

Safewords have an obvious reason for being there and they should most definitely be known by the Dom/e and ofcourse he/she should stop if that word is used. If he doesnt well then he/she isnt a good Dom/e imo.
On the other hand online play is much safer and you as the sub can always choose not to obey or just stop or put the person on ignore or tell a moderator.
all logical right?

I trust my sub to tell me if I go to far and if she doesnt well then there is a trust issue tht needs to be solved first.

[annie]

snowflake... TOV... please check your pm's!

As to the online safe words. For a long time I seldom used them and it entirely depends on the situation. If it is just a bit of harmless cyber fun then no not going to bother I would close the window.

But, if it is a Dom that I have made a commitment too serve to me closing the window on a scene that has gone too far would be like walking out the front door in the middle of scene and it totally unacceptable and would harm the overall relationship. So, I see them as necessary. I may be controlling the amounts, etc. but I have put myself into situations that ended up being harmful due to lack of foresight on both our parts and/or extenuating circumstances.

Goes back to whatever fits for each couple ....

[jeanne]

Maybe the type of online relationship matters too?

Warning - my opinion only here, folks!

It seems to me that if the relationship is online-only and serious, the play comes as close as possible to in-the-flesh. A safeword would, at some point, be a necessary part of that relationship.

If, however, the online part of the relationship is only supplemental to in-the-flesh, and the play is pretty tame because in-the-flesh interactions are the meat of the relationship, then safewords would not be as necessary.

Edit: Duh! If you're playing in-the-flesh too, you already have safewords set up! Sometimes I just don't carry a thought all the way through...

Does any of this make one single lick of sense?
jeanne

[Platonicus]

Depends on the participants. Online play sometimes is less formal than face to face and in that instance things can often be taken care of with simple communication. But I have seen and been involved in very structured and intense online scenes where I can definitely see the value and need for of a safeword.

[nk_lion]

I think from a switch-dom perspective, an online safe word is extremely important. Unfortunately, to be honest I never thought about it before reading this thread.

But for someone like me, I unlike so many here do not have the years of dom experience, I can get carried away with stuff I perceived to be alright. (I think I crossed that line once before, but it turned out good in the end.)

Anyhow, before I start going on a ramble, safe words are important to both sides imo, the sub for his/her protection, and the dom/me for keeping it SSC or RACK or whatever other abbreviation is in use today. Thanks for bringing this topic up Ma am

[Rhabbi]

I tend to use no as a safe word, in the theory that no means no. This in spite of knowing that no does not always mean no. Some people like to say no when they are in play, and this can cause confusion.

In most cases a simple talking about the meaning of the word no, and my intent to stop when I hear it, is more than enough to cure this. There is an occasionaly exception, and this makes it necessary to have a safeword in that instance.

That said, that is my personal preference, and I advocate for safe words at all times. It is just that I choose to use no as my safeword most of the time to avoid confusion. I have found that during an intense scene that a safeword can sometimes be forgotten, and that a sub will panic and make it worse. This is why I prefer to train a sub to not say no unless she means no. If a sub does have a safe word it might make her feel more secure, but I would still prefer to have no or stop mean exactly that.

[Wordsmith]

Thanks for all the opinions guys and gals. Interestingly enough...everything that has been said in the thread so far was part of the conversation that prompted me to start the thread. Thanks for your input and keep it coming if there is more out there!