D/s paper - looking for input!

In my sexual ethics class (yeah, university rocks) I'm writing a research paper on D/s relationships.

I've got a fair bit of academic writing, lots of doctors and professors saying what they think is going on, but I badly need more of the 'lived experience' as my prof is so fond of saying.

So I'm turning to all you lovely forumites to help me out. I would like you to tell me what you get out of D/s (not SM, I'm not looking at the pain aspects so much), what it means to you, pros and cons... stuff like that. Anything, really.
Anything from the lifestyle 24/7 type relationships, to D/s as kinky sex.

I will assume that anything you post here I can quote, unless you tell me otherwise, all quotes will be anonymous in the paper, and it's unlikely that anyone except my prof will read it anyways.
If you want, you can pm me with anything as well.

Also lovely would be any advice on websites etc. where I can find less academic, but not totally flaky descriptions of power exchange relationships.

thank you all greatly in advance!

vistana

First I hope you haven't bitten off more than you can chew. For me as a very experienced real world Dom for 35 years, it is that she trusts me enough to allow me to have her at my mercy. I expect to earn that trust as we go along and to continue to earn it on a daily basis. Understand the thrill it is to be alone with her and have her with a gag in her mouth so that she can;t scream for help, blindfolded so that she can't see what I am doing to her, ear plugs in so that she can't hear what I have or where I am, add to that I have her bound in such a way that she get free and sometimes even move much.

The level of trust she is showing at times like this is really unbelievable to me, I would never allow myself to be at someone mercy totally helpless. It is the same with the SM part of the life she is trusting me not to do real harm.

There of course is the ego builder of being called Master and sir in a very respectfull manner. I warn any lovely that I accept as slave that there will be a time that she will slip in public and call me Master. So far that has always proven true.

I could tell you what submissive tell me does it for them but I can't speak first hand. Ask them about how and what puts them into subspace may be a good start.

Russell

This is a hard subject to write on cause it is diffrent for all of us. Me being a dom its great fits my personality to a tee.As to what i get out of it? It fullfills a deep predatory need in my soul something primal something out of control brings me back to mans basic instints.All i know is it satisfies the primal/dark nature that exsists in all of us to one level or another.

Check out some of Bdsmtourguide's old threads; he posted some excellent articles, on this forum, on the topic of D/s relationships.

Good luck with your paper. :)

A major problem with stating what you think you get out of a BDSM relationship is that it doesn't cover people who don't know or think they knew and are wrong.

For me it's pretty simple. It's what I need, and is what makes me happy. I don't think I need to dig deeper than that. Seeing her kiss my feet or just bring me tea fills me up with such a warm feeling.

I used to think I knew and had fancy theories for it, but I was dead wrong.

For me it provides a safe and secure framework within which I am then free to express myself.

cariad

vistana
cariad<U_E> has given you 2 of the major reasons most stated by submissives that it makes them feel safe and secure, I also hear often from mine that as I secure her in whatever position I want that she feels free and calm. Today I can have her wear leather cuffs or metal shackles and she feels a calmness come over her.

Come on people help vistana with this and learn about yourself and others.

Russell

try this
http://www.leathernroses.com/mikael/mikaelindex.htm

just in case that doesn't work, go to
www.leathernroses.com where you will see a list of topics- look under "Absolute D/s" for J.Mikael Togneri's work.

His first essay listed there is titled the same as the topic (Absolute Lifestyle D/s) and i found it very eloquent on the subject. I actually emailed it to some of my vanilla friends so they could understand how D/s or BDSM is not just a kinky thing you do in the bedroom (although it can be, i suppose), but a part of my identity just as a gay person feels homosexuality is an inextricable part of their being.

And my own thoughts are- well 1) as i said in another post, i've never had an orgasm w/o a d/s thought, but that doesn't mean d/s is all about the sex, it's just that my sexuality is such a strong part of me, and 2) to me, being able to submit to someone is the ultimate act of trust and intimacy. In a good d/s relationship, i will hope the one i serve would know how to pull out my deepest, most graphic desires and fears and use them to help me grow into my potential as a human being. I could never feel closer to someone than when at my most vulnerable, being cradled and loved in their hands. and i would hope that my dominant's guidance of my journey would be a learning experience for him/ her as well- that we would learn more and more about ourselves and each other and love through these most intimate collaborations of feelings from our innermost sanctuaries.

Here are a couple of excerpts from a story and then an assignment i wrote for a Mistress and Sir i had at one time:

My unfailing acquiescence has become Your right now. i will always strive to please You and Sir, though the task may seem unbearably exacting at times. i always keep in mind that i have given myself to You, and You are constantly testing and stretching the limits of my service. This is the beauty of O/our relationship- its intensity perpetually magnifying O/our intimacy. Your protection and guidance over me grow in direct proportion to my submission and obedience to You; O/our bond to one another strengthens with every push of my unexplored peripheries. Every time i surrender to a new demand with determined yielding, W/we are rewarded with a deeper glimpse into each other’s spirit.

Submission is overcoming _all_ the fears- dealing with them, obeying anything and everything _despite_ any resistance- whether from fear or embarrassment, or just plain lack of desire for the given task. Submission is the bending of my will to someone else's; no more, no less. That is the meat of it, i think. And that entails everything and anything. There is no "No", only "Yes, Mistress. Yes, Sir." No if's, and's or but's. Submission is the giving of myself, my self, which is, as i've written: my body (easiest), my thoughts (not as easy), and my feelings (hardest).


I hope I haven't given too much... but I hope something in there is helpful for your essay, vistana.

i would love to read your essay when it's completed. Would you post it here? or email it to me when you finish?

You may find some useful stuff in here

http://www.seekers.org.uk

Anything which is credited to "D/s Seekers" is written by either me or my slave, and may be used freely without reference should you wish.

Regards

Be well, and safe

MG

You have a pretty representative sample of comments and some very good links to explore.

In the end for me, the trust that a d/s relationship requires is what I think is the real foundation. To know that my partner has that kind of trust in me is for me a most powerful aphrodisiac.

TDS

I had a thought the other night that might give some insight:

One of the things that has always held me back in my life is a desire for things to have consequences. Sometimes that has to do with guilt, like the tendency I have always had to want to "punish" myself for doing something wrong (like when I have a day where I don't get anything done I never manage to get to bed that night, because I don't feel like I "deserve" it), but sometimes it just means wanting to be rewarded for the things I do accomplish, or just wanting to know that someone *cares* how I'm doing. I grew up in the suburbs in a world of safety and self-esteem -- I was one of those kids who got a trophy for just belonging to the swim team. I always wanted someone to appreciate me for reasons that seemed *real.*

In D/s I have been pushed to do things that I never ever thought I could do, and I know that my Master really appreciates me because he knows as well as I do how much strength it has taken. Hell, I didn't know how strong I was before this. Not that I don't have a long way to go (if I was a *good* sub I would be cleaning the kitchen right now), but I have conquered fears that I thought were essential parts of who I am, and found that I'm happy to let them go.

To have control over someone half a world away is of course an ego builder. To be called Master is also an ego builder. However, I have never needed and ego builder. To have that level of trust, respect, love, or whatever else you want to call it that allows her to give me this control over her is what is most satisfying to me from a D/s point of view.

Because she willing gives me this control over her it also means that I strive to make her happy which ultimately is the most important aspect of my D/s relationship with Aussiegirl. For it to be right, I need her to be happy.