Carpe Coma

Communication control is a staple of online dominants and has it’s place in real life as well. However, if anything, this is one of the areas which requires the most finesse and tact to avoid coming across as a potentially abusive lout. Why? Because communication is a person’s key to rest of the world. Communication is the gateway to information and access. Control communication and you can control the information a person has to form judgments and decisions. This is much the same way that China tries to regulate internet access to control what the population thinks and North Korea works very hard to limit what information escapes it’s borders. So the potential for abuse is rife in such a situation. Remember that one of the hallmarks of an abuser is that s/he isolates you. Of course, another hallmark is that s/he hits you, so these hallmarks aren’t rigid rules. It is the very isolating nature of communication control which demands it be handled with finesse and tact. Otherwise you will come across as either someone trying to isolate a victim from getting help, someone with no manners, or insecure (or all three). So, a couple of pointers;

1: Whenever possible don’t speak for the submissive. If you want the submissive to stop talking with someone, tell the submissive so and have the submissive end communication. It’s rude to interject yourself into someone else’s conversation just as it’s rude to interrupt. You should only directly intercede when you feel that the person is being abusive and/or toxic and the submissive is in the path of immediate harm. If you have mutual trust, having the submissive break it off shouldn’t be an issue. If you intercede directly it suggests that either you don’t have that trust or you don’t trust the submissive. So interceding directly comes across as either without manners (interrupting), insecure (don’t trust the submissive), or abusive (isolating/submissive doesn’t trust you).

1a: Unless the person is being abusive or toxic, allow the submissive to say goodbye. If you don’t, s/he comes across as rude.

1b: In an internet setting (forums, e-mail, etc) it is doubly important to not use the submissive’s account to send mail or post under the submissive’s name. That is the submissive’s identity, if you make posts under that identity and it is found out, you undermine the submissive’s ability to be trusted as now no one knows if the submissive is talking or you are talking. Everything s/he says or has said is now suspect (plus you look like a dick).

2: Don’t read private correspondence without the other party being aware that you are doing so. This is quite rude as it is a major trust violation. Not only do you look bad, you undermine the ability of others to trust the submissive. If you want that access, than the submissive must make that aware to everyone s/he is communicating with.

So this;

(name removed) this is (name removed)’s Dom, I have told her that she may not communicate with you in anyway. Stop sending her messages. She is off limits to you. (name removed)

As a reply sent from her account in reply to follow up message after she suddenly stopped responding two weeks prior, breaks all the rules. It means that he is speaking for her, doing so using her account, as well as reading private correspondence without the sender’s knowledge, and not allowing her the courtesy of saying goodbye. He is at best a lout and she has lost a considerable amount of trust. Don't be this person.

Have I ever used communication control to a positive effect? Yes. In the vast majority of cases it was when the other person was being abusive/toxic and she couldn't bring herself to end it for whatever reason. Only once because the conversation was inappropriate. In all cases, I never had to directly intercede. All I had to do was essentially tell her; "This person's behavior is harmful/inappropriate. End contact with this person", and they stopped. It's the difference between trying to be controlling and being in control. The more effort you exert, the less in control you are. A person that's truly in control scarcely has to do anything but speak, and like a king on a throne, thine will is done.

When you control someone’s communication, you control their access and their reputation, you control how they are seen by others. So if you handle it poorly, you can seriously tarnish their image (as well as your own).