lorem angelum

From Rags to Riches….
Part 1

Sometimes you think in your life that things never seem to go right, that you try and try but at every turn the decisions seem wrong. They have a way of kicking you in the teeth and making you feel like you’re gumming your way through the messes you've made, struggling just to get it right. I have never been able to just quite feel complete, even though I love my job, have a wonderful daughter and don’t really lack for much creature comforts. But inside of me I had ragged pieces that just didn't quite fit together. I could feel the holes inside of me and my soul felt lost. In all those things I was a pauper, wandering around in my rags, palm out hoping someone would help me fill the needs I had inside of me. But I couldn't search for the things that were missing inside of me, it was a matter of it finding me in a totally and wonderfully unexpected way…….
Sometimes in our life we have to take risks, we dip our toe in to test the water and try to decide if we want to wade in or stand at the shore. I was ready to wade in, I didn't know if it would overwhelm me and I would drown, or if it would buoy me up and help me swim. All I knew is I was tired of this empty feeling inside of me and I wanted to fill it, to be whole and complete for once in my 49 yrs. I felt like it was my time to live my life, I had lived my life for everyone else before now. I have lifted them up, gave them pieces of myself until I had nothing left to give and now I needed to give back to myself. I wanted to put all those pieces back together by truly giving myself to someone who would hold me, balance me and support me through all of my moods, problems and break downs. I longed to find the other half of myself and I knew I wasn't going to do it by sitting on my ass and whining, I had to get up off it and take charge in the one part of my life that would make me feel whole. I had to do it not only for me, but for the important people in my life. They deserve to have all of me, not just the pieces I had been handing out lately. I was exhausted beyond belief it keeping up the facade, now it was time to take down the walls and expose myself.
I have always been attracted to the dark side of things, my reading leaning towards not the soft romances, but harder, rougher more take charge books…where domination and a little sadism was always a big part of them. It would affect me strongly, I felt like I could connect with these woman. They took the step to trust and submit themselves to these men, who gave them what they needed and desired even if they didn't know it themselves. I had always been a good Catholic girl, my mom drummed into my head about sex before marriage being a sin, so what I was feeling had to be wrong and dirty. What kind of person wants someone to take control of their life, especially the sexual aspect???? But I did, I wanted someone in my life to take control. Not of everything I did, I wasn't exactly slave material…*grin*. But certain pieces and places needed this inside of me, and it was not all just sexual.
I had tried experimenting with a few things in my life, some may call it just a little “slap and tickle”. But in my mind, but not my soul I could never really allow myself to fully accept that part of me. I have always been strong in my real life, the go getter, say what’s on my mind type girl. But when it came to the bedroom or other small parts of my life I longed for rules, for the control of someone else besides myself. To give up even those small parts of myself would be such a release, a freedom I had never had before. I was always attracted to strong men, but they were never strong enough. I didn't understand why I couldn't get what I needed from them, but then I realized they couldn't lead me there. First I truly had to understand what was inside of me that I wanted, to look deep. It took me a while to dig in those dark places, to find what I truly desired and when I did to take the steps of finding someone who could help me. To have someone with more knowledge then me pull them out and help me look at them, understand them. Still that little Catholic girl inside of me said these desires in my mind and body felt wrong, but my soul said it was ohhh soooo right. How could I deny the things that made me happy and fulfilled??? Well the answer is you cannot…it is like denying your true self…*shrug*. I had been doing that for to long already, so instead of
stepping in with just my toe I plunged in head first and have never regretted it since……