How do you deal with death?

[skp2bear]

My morthe is at home with me and is on hospice care. She will be 88 in December. She is now difficult to wake and has eaten only once in the past five days though she sometimes takes juice. Today I've been crying almost nonstop. We are the last of our branch of the family tree. so I will soon be all alone. How do you deal with it?

[Pearlgem]

My morthe is at home with me and is on hospice care. She will be 88 in December. She is now difficult to wake and has eaten only once in the past five days though she sometimes takes juice. Today I've been crying almost nonstop. We are the last of our branch of the family tree. so I will soon be all alone. How do you deal with it?

I'm so sorry, s. Please don't feel alone. I hope the hospice is looking after you too, supporting you practically and emotionally. Now is the time for family and friends to get together, love each other and make their farewells. Lean on your family and friends, s - don't be afraid to do this. People want so very much to be helpful and to help you, so let them.
It'll be tough but I hope you find a good shoulder or two to cry on when you need it.

Always remember, you are doing a truly wonderful thing for your mother, caring for her and loving her in her last days. She brought you into this world, you're easing her passing out; and in the days to come I know you'll find real pride and comfort in this.

I am thinking of you. God Bless.

Pearlgem x x x x x

[skp2bear]

As there is no other family and I have been with mom for such a long time my friends are mostly those here. Thankyou very much for your support.

[Thorne]

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Having no other family can only make it worse, I'm sure. Please feel free to lean on the people here at the library. They're all good people, who really care.

I know that when my wife's parents passed, being prepared for it helped her a lot. They went peacefully, several years apart, and were in the process of dying for many months, if not years, before hand. So we were mentally and, to some degree, emotionally prepared. Her father, in fact, was very similar to what you describe with your mother. He decided it was time to go, stopped eating and taking his meds, and just went, in his sleep, in a hospice.

There's nothing you can do to keep her here, so the only advice I can give is to try to reconcile it in your heart. It's not much, but believe me, you can get through it.

[snowflake]

My morthe is at home with me and is on hospice care. She will be 88 in December. She is now difficult to wake and has eaten only once in the past five days though she sometimes takes juice. Today I've been crying almost nonstop. We are the last of our branch of the family tree. so I will soon be all alone. How do you deal with it?

hi skp2bear,

Even though we have never met i think i can feel some of your pain .. one year to this day i lost my dad.. it tore me apart to no end .. i even had a break down and wrote a poem the night i had it to share my hurt as i screamed inside for help..and help did come..but it was not the people or family that helped me at all in R/L.. matter of fact they only made it worse other then the ones within my four walls.. that would be my Master and b/f The Tester and also my kids... They of course were there right beside me...

Had it not been for the ones on the net espeicially on this site another site and my own .. i truly don't think i would have gotten through it..

The people here opened their hearts even talked about it in chat .. they stood by me in such a manner i could near feel their hugs for real... And i still say their warm thought good waves and feelings ..prayers and love pulled me through...

And to this day even as i went into chat today .. i was once again shown that compasion over dad as this is the 1st anniversary...


All i can say hun is trust the ones here .. know they truly mean what they send in hugs and special words and comments .. Know they do pray and send good thoughts as i felt each one...

You are not alone believe me .. you have family here and you just got another sis.. sis..

Sends prayers and hugs for strength through this very scary time and know we are thinking of both you and your mom and will continue to as long as you need it...

Hugs
Always
snow

[fellintobed]

First of all I would like to say that it is a truly amazing thing you are doing, to have your mother be spending the last days of her life in home, with you, with the incredible support that hospice provides. To be able to pass away this way is a gift; to be able to give that gift to your mother is a blessing beyond words.

It is okay to cry. It is okay to not cry. It is okay to scream, to be angry, to be numb, to be anything. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You are in a very scary place, the cusp of not only losing your mother - your anchor - but on the cusp of having to redefine yourself as a person whose life represents a lineage. Let yourself feel whatever you are capable of feeling. Accept that there is a loss of control at this time, that you are not 'yourself', that you are bereft and grieving and will continue to grieve. Loss is not an event, it is a process.

Take care of yourself. If you are hungry, eat - and do your best to eat healthy foods, even if only in small quantities. Try to sleep every night. Do things that comfort you - I pull out my childhood stuffed animals and take lots of bubble baths when I am in mourning. If you have the sort of friend that wouldn't mind if you came over and just curled up on their couch and felt the comfort of their presence, take them up on that. It is not your job right now to be "fun" or "joyful" or "entertaining". Don't try. Be honest to yourself and to your feelings, as hard as it may be.

Be a source of comfort to your mother. Sit with her quietly and hold her hand. Read poems or sing songs that are significant, if there are any. Comb her hair, with a soft brush or with your fingers. Tell her how proud you are of her courage to face death. Don't worry about saying things of significance, just say what comes to mind. Speak from your heart. She is your mother. You are her child. She knows you. She will understand that your presence alone is your love. She will need that love.

If people ask how you are, it is okay to dispense with the usual "Oh I'm fine" if you're not up for saying it. Sometimes I say "I'm sad" or "I'm not having such a great day". If I don't share the real reason, I simply say that I'm going through some really hard things in my life - which is the truth - and people accept that. They will see your sadness. They may try to comfort you, even if it's awkward. Accept their comfort if they offer it. Forgive them in your heart if they do not - not everyone knows what to say, and some people in those circumstances choose to say nothing, for fear of causing offense. It's rare to find people willing to talk about death, and dying.

I hope that your mother's passing is a peaceful one. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time, and I wish you your own strength and courage to face this.

Know this, and repeat it to yourself, and keep it in your mind: You are a good, whole, worthwhile human being. You are okay. Any negative thoughts are just symptoms of the stress you're going through. You are much more than the emotional pain that is causing you suffering. Don't lose sight of that. Beneath the surface turmoil you are good - you are whole - you are beautiful - just because you are.

[snowflake]

one last thing hun if you want to talk alone please pm me for my msn or yahoo info and i will give it to you

hugs snow

[blythe spirit]

Firstly, some wonderful people here have offered comfort and support in their touching posts.

You can't ask anyone how to deal with death, because we all deal with it in our own way. Your local hospice should have a grief support group and I urge you to take advantage of this. It helps to hear what others have gone through and how they dealt with it. It helps to know that you're not alone with your grief.

There are stages to grief that you will experience and, again, your local hospice will more than likely, if they haven't already, explain these to you.

Whilst this is all very clinical and you're probably just seeking a kind and comforting word, there are none when the one we loved so deeply is ripped from our lives. I wish you peace.

It is said, "a loved one never really dies, as long as she is in our thoughts and memories." Hold tight to the good times.

[Diablo]

You embrace the fullness of her life, know she had joy and sorrow but grew as a person and lived a long life and celebrated in friends and family. you will honor her memory and as the pain and sorrow fades you will be able to think of her and smile no longer seeing only the sorrow.

I recently suddenly lost my grandmother, my grandfather suffered for 4 months in a hospital slowly dying before our eyes and 5 years ago we lost our 2yo son, if does seem like you will never be able to stop grieving but it will run its course.

It took me 3 years before certain songs wouldn't make me cry thinking of our son or be able to talk about him remembering him for all his joy and not just his lose.

Be strong for you and her, but allow yourself to be human and grieve however you need to.

Take care.

[denuseri]

I am so sorry to hear you are in the proccess of suffering a loss of this magnitude.

I will keep you and her in my prayers that you find the strength to survive this.

Know that she goes to a better place.

[cadence]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time.
Grief is a very hard thing to deal with, and no matter how prepared we may be, it's never really enough.
It's difficult as well to take care of an ill family member, it's emotionally and sometimes physically draining.
Deal with it as best you can, but don't let it overwhelm you either. Remember that you need to take care of yourself as well.
Try to get some help through your hospice, and try to get some grief counselling. It does help put things into perspective, when we can't find any.

My sister passed away a few years ago. She had been ill for a very long time, so we were prepared for everything, although it still wasn't easy for anyone. My brother passed away last year, and we were not prepared, so it was a lot more difficult. I took care of both of them while they were in the hospital, and I know that your loss is greater when you suddenly stop the caregiving and you must continue on with your own life.
I spent a year grieving and making myself sick.
Therapy helped me focus and move on when I couldn't.
Just remember it's okay to mourn your loved ones, but don't forget you must still go on with your life too.

[lucy]

I think most what can be said about how to deal with a beloved person passing away is already said.

So I keep with hugging you and hoping that you will find the strength to go through this hard times.

[skp2bear]

The chaplain and mom's aide are great supports her nurse whom I trusted has been transferred. Losing my master last month had already torn a very big hole in my heart. Mom woke up this morning and is taking some juice. Please feel free to email or pm or IM me at skp2bear@yahoo.com. I love to talk as you all know. we are central standard time. I'm so very afraid of being alone at my age and just coming out.

[skp2bear]

Mom ate and drank yesterday and was awake a bit longer, She even tried to talk. Seems to be coming about every fourth day.

[jeanne]

Thank you for the updates. I cannot say that I know how hard this must be, because I don't know. As another member stated earlier, you are doing a wonderful thing for your mother...and for yourself.

Take care.

[skp2bear]

Mom maybe having 40 second periods of apnea and refused anything again yesterday. But when I called to her and waved to her she waved back to me under the cover. It was sooo cute

[leah06]

I'm so very sorry that you are going through this. My husband was ill for a year before he passed away so I know a little of that feeling of being with someone but knowing it will not be for long. I'm so glad that you can post your lovely message about your mother's waving to you. One of the only comforting things about being with someone who is passing is being able to see their true selves and your unique relationship peeking out from the generic trappings of illness and death. I hope that you will be able to take comfort in these apparently small exchanges. I agree with the suggestions about brushing her hair, speaking with her, reminiscing even if it seems that she can't hear you. Enjoy your memories of the past and share them with her, and enjoy whatever moments are enjoyable in your present.

This might sound macabre, but I would not encourage you to let someone whisk her remains away the moment she passes. Obviously I don't mean anything extreme, but life is a journey, and once she reaches her destination you don't have to say goodbye immediately. Sit with her, be with her, for as long as you need. Don't let other people's timetables or their need for finality prevent you from taking the time you need. In my religious tradition we believe that the soul remains near the body until it is interred, so we will care for a body and keep it company until the funeral, even reading out loud to it so the soul is not lonely. I am not encouraging you to do this, just to be aware that our society can be so cold and clinical about death, and you need not be if you don't want to.

I'm sorry that you don't have a strong support system with you. Online communities can be wonderful, and I thank God for this one often, but I wish you had people to sit with you and bring you soup. To the extent that you do, please let other people care for you. They want to, and sometimes they just need your permission. But even with the strongest support system, in the end you need to provide your own support. Be your own inner parent. Be a gentle, loving parent, not a harsh judgmental one. Let yourself feel whatever you feel - you might feel some relief, you might remember your mother in fondness, you might feel anger, you might be overwhelmed with sadness - all at the same time or at different times, and these are all OK. Tell yourself that. Give yourself treats. Be sure to eat. Get out for a walk. Have a bath. Let yourself laugh as well as cry. Be firm with yourself about taking care of yourself, even when you don't want to.

My thoughts are with you. I am so sorry for your very difficult situation. Please feel free to PM me whenever you like.

- R.

[skp2bear]

Mom is now sleeping all the time taking very few sips of anything. At times her eyes open and she appears to be looking around but then she starts snoring again.

[Dr_BuzzCzar]

Something that has helped me in a similar circumstance and it may or may not help you, but that's for you to decide. Sit with her tell her it's OK to go; that you'll be sad and miss her but that you'll be fine. She needs to hear that and it may make her passing a bit easier if she knows you will go on with your life.

It seemed to make my father's death easier for him and it certainly helped me deal with it, but I am a control freak and seeming to be somewhat in control made things seem more normal to me.

If we still lived in Houston, we could do more, but alas we moved away some years ago and this is the best I can offer.

[blythe spirit]

Mom is now sleeping all the time taking very few sips of anything. At times her eyes open and she appears to be looking around but then she starts snoring again.

I am certain that hospice has alerted you to the final stages of death so, I needn't say anymore than my thoughts and prayers are you with in this darkest hour. *big comforting hugs*

P.S. Please remember one thing, death is easier on the dying than on those who love them and have to watch. I am so sorry for you. *more hugs*

[Pearlgem]

How are you doing, honey? Some lovely advice here that resonates with me when I think of my own dad's death - just sitting with him, being gentle, smiling at him, stroking him, telling him it's all right to go, saying the words of love I wanted to say, letting him know I'd be all right despite my tears. I take great comfort even all these years later that I was privileged enough to share in his passing. I was a nurse then though I teach now, but I always felt that was the sacred purpose of my career up to that point - to care for my own dad (he was at home) when he needed my help and to help others come to him without fear. My own sister was very scared and frightened to approach him in his last week. She was just distressed and terrified at what she might see or how she would feel. I was able to help her and I always thank God for that.
Just know you're doing a very blessed thing, sweetheart, though the feeling of being bereft will sweep through you on occasion. I am thinking of you, s, with great love.

Pearlgem x x x x x

[medusa]

I can't imagine how hard this is for you skp2bear. In some ways I think that being able to prepare oneself for a loved one passing is helpful, but in another way having it all impending must make life very hard to bear sometimes.

I'm sure that your mum knows that you're there for her and that you love her and that you are making the ultimate gift that you can give to her, to ease her passing to the best of your ability.

Please be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with tears; they are an expression of intense emotion that you surely must be feeling right now. If it's natural to cry, then holding it back won't do you any good and could do you harm in the long run. If all else fails remember that tomorrow morning the sun will come up just as it has every day for millions of years and that when you open your eyes in the morning you may have moments that don't hurt so much and the same could happen every day.

[skp2bear]

Pearlgem, like you I was a nurse for 20 years and am now substitute teaching. Thanks to everyone who has tried to support me by their thoughts, words, and prayers. Medusa even mom's aide want a copy of your thoughts. yesterday I thought I had lost her. I found her without a palpabel pulse and not breathing. She has a special type of seizure that doesan't involve jerking. It turned out she was in the midst of won. She woke this morning and had taken a 250 calorie drink some jellow, milk and cranberry juice cocktail and even tried to talk. her prognosis is two weeks or less

[mkemse]

My morthe is at home with me and is on hospice care. She will be 88 in December. She is now difficult to wake and has eaten only once in the past five days though she sometimes takes juice. Today I've been crying almost nonstop. We are the last of our branch of the family tree. so I will soon be all alone. How do you deal with it?

My signifgant other was in the same situation as you, she was in hopice care in my apartment as she could no longer takecare ofherslef, it was thre hardest thing i ever did,

after 25 days they had to move her do to my inabiltiy to takecare of her anymore, to emotionaly trainnig, 10 daysaftershe was moved she deterioated to being paced in a hospice at the hospital and died 2 days later, that was March of 2006, i am now nowhere near getting overdealing with either her passing or my inability at the end to continue to try and comforther
I talk to the head of the Hospice and 2 nurses their and a Social Worker and they all told me the same thing

"everyone griefs in different way for diffrent lengths of time"
all i can say is do thebest and what I did was rather then "cry" over her passing, I celelbrated her life and rmemberd all te good times we had i even picked out a soung for us by Bobby Goldbouro called "Honey" as i listen thefirst thing that came to my mind was "Yes, that was exatly How Sandra was" helped a little

Givei t time and rmember th good time and celebtrare thir life

[raven91596]

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. I know what your going through as I lost my mother about 20 years ago when I was 17. She was diagnosed with uterine cancer and after she had surgery to remove the tumor we thought she had it beat. We found out a few months later that that just wasn't so. She died 9 months after she was diagnosed. It was fast, but she suffered horribly and I found out the hard way that it had attacked her brain and didn't recognise any of her loved ones. Myself included.

I was very close to my mother and still miss her to this day. Everyone before me who said that we all grieve differently were absolutely right. I was the type of person that prefered to be by myself. I hated it when people kept wanting to talk about it. The only one that could get close to me at the time...was a friend of mine who was only 13. It seems odd but I didn't even want to talk about it with my best friend, but I could talk about it with him. He didn't judge my feelings or my form of grieving. He just let me vent when I needed to. He didn't try to come up with clever stories that might help me feel better or keep telling me he was sorry about it. That's just what helped me though. My father and I would make jokes to help us get through. There is no wrong answer in a situation like this.

What I like to do is to express my condolences and then step back and let the person come to me if they need me. I've found that to be the most effective form of help. I'm there if you need me, but if you don't want me then I won't continue to bug you. Just let me know if you want to talk and whenyou want me to I'll add my wisdom and experience...if I can (I'm no genius, just expeienced).

I will do the same for you....I know I don't know you and you don't know me....hell this is only my second post LOL, but if you need someone to vent to or just to talk out how you feel...my e-mail is raven91596@yahoo.com and of course that is my yahoo ID if you have it. Just remember one thing....her passing will be a relief to her if nothing else as it was for my mother...that made it just the tiniest bit easier. My blessings to you and your mother.

[skp2bear]

Yesterday mom took in about 1000 calories. Found some beautiful 3 ft. Christmas trees at haband that come already decorated, rotete and change colors three times with each revolution. I'm getting her one for her room so she will have something to look at aa I hope we get one more holiday season together.

[Pearlgem]

That's lovely, s. Good for you. You are doing a wonderful job. Remember, your mother couldn't wish for more in having you care for her the way you are doing. Take care of yourself very well, won't you? We are with you.

Pearlgem x x

[Thorne]

I don't want to upset you, but something just occurred to me which may be important.

When my mother-in-law had her final stroke, she was in a coma for more than a week. The doctors told us there was no hope, and all we could do was wait. That's so hard to do, I know. But one thing we could do was to make funeral arrangements, knowing that it would only be harder once she'd gone.

It wasn't easy, by any means, but I think it helped in the long run, and certainly made the funeral itself far less painful than it could have been. If you haven't done something already, now is the time to think about it. Whatever arrangements you deem necessary. They don't have to be elaborate or expensive, just what is important to you. That way, when the time comes, it will be one less thing for you to have to deal with while you are in a highly emotional state.

Forgive me if this upsets you. I don't know any better way to say these things.

[GearJammer]

Dear little one, many have walked the path you now walk. I know the emptiness of being the last. Thorne's practical advice is absolutely outstanding. I strongly urge you to follow it. Do not crowd out your very appropriate grief with business about that grief.

As for your Momma,

See her strength, see it before you now? It is your strength, too. She cannot have it without passing it to you. Strength does not make it stop hurting, strength guarantees that the hurting has an end point. Strength guarantees that the hurting will not cripple you, mentally or emotionally. See her strength, as she hangs on for you when it would be so much easier to go? It is your strength, too.

See her love, there before you, as she thinks of you, waving to you, trying to do what you ask in eating, drinking, etc? It is your love too. She cannot have it without passing it to you. Love makes seeing her now hurt worse for a season and makes her memory sweet for a lifetime. Love makes you want her to stay, when she cannot. Her road now leads over a great gulf, which no human can span. Her love makes her trust you to love her across it. You can do that. You have the strength. See her love, her strength, there before you? It is your love, and your strength, too.

See her path, leading back to her birth, leading forward in to a misty veil where you cannot see? It is her path, but it is not your path. Her path is the one thing she cannot pass down to you. You have your path, she has hers, I have mine, we all have our own unique paths. Sometimes those paths cross, and sometimes they run together for a season. Today, you walk a path I have walked, Snow has walked, Thorne has walked, mkemse has walked, many others have walked. We will walk it again with you. You are not alone in your walk, but you must walk it. You have the strength to walk it, the love to give you power to use that strength, and the trust to ask for our help when the path is steep.

You WILL look back and smile, peacefully, one day. That is YOUR path.

[skp2bear]

Many thanks to all of you. Thorne, arrangements for mom have long ago been determined - shortly after she entered hospice care, Organ and tissues are being donated for medical research in the hopes of further developing better treatments for Altzheimers and Sjogren's syndrome. A memorial service will be held afterher death and her ashes will be buried with her husband a Biloxi National Cemetery. He was a veteran of wwII and Korea.