New to this, where to start?

[MILF]

So I'm pretty much new this lifestyle, and I'm not sure where to start, it's not really something u can just jump into, ya know ?! And to be honest, where would a 21yr old woman find someone experienced enough to help me into it??

[UnholyAdvent]

Well first we need to identify whether your dom or sub, by the sounds of it I'm guessing sub but I'd hate to assume.

Second would be to find your boundaries and know where you are most comfortable.

Third of course is to find a dom/sub (as far as where to find someone I am not too sure really.. I know a site for gay men but that is all) but also don't just pick the first person you find.. get to know them and stuff a bit first, make sure they are a good match for you. Set your boundaries with them and vice versa.

[MILF]

Well I know I'm sub, that part is easy but I don't know how to set boundaries without tryin it to find out, cuz to me it all looks very enjoyable. Thank you for your reply

[denuseri]

Actually; especially when your new, you shouldnt be worrying about titular distinctions so much as increasing your knowledge base with an emphasis on saftey over kink and reality over fantasy. Getting cuaght up too much in eaither of the later can lead to all sorts of problems. You have plenty of time to figure out where you will fit in best later after you know more.

I am sure there are things you dont want to try...like necrophilia, or anything with kids, or actual snuff etc. Everyone has limits and one need not actually try everything to know them if they use some common sence.

I especially advise against you finding any single online personality to mentor you. Especially the ones that only want to help you in pm/whisper lol besides, you cant really know who your dealing with in this medium, not for sure. So its best to get your information from multiple sources. And its highly advisable to not share your personal information (like location, face pictures, addressess, phone numbers, passwords, etc etc eaither...once stalked, twice shy). If some online dom is insisting on these things...he is most likely not on the up and up if you know what I mean.

Contacting one's local bdsm community is simple: type the name of your city and the word munch into your search engine and you will most likely get a listing of bdsm intrest groups in your community, most meet at a coffee shop or some other public venue once a month or so to exchange ideas etc...(word to the wise dont come dressed in fetishwear, dress normal just like everyone else would to go to a coffee shop), most majior cities have at least one bdsm club in or near them...like 1763 in Atlanta for instance...these clubs can be found in similar fashion and one should contact the club owners to find out what the protocols are as they sometimes vary.

[MILF]

Thank you denuseri!! That was extremely helpful really! I really appreciate the advice and I think I will look up my city and ur right , I guess I'm not interested in everything , and I really just want to learn more about it last thing I want is to end up with some creep offline . Thank you again very much and I never really thought about " face pix" but your right .

[leo9]

Actually; especially when your new, you shouldnt be worrying about titular distinctions so much as increasing your knowledge base with an emphasis on saftey over kink and reality over fantasy. Getting cuaght up too much in eaither of the later can lead to all sorts of problems. You have plenty of time to figure out where you will fit in best later after you know more.
[/COLOR][/B]

Denu's advice is as sensible and helpful as ever. I'd just second this: many people, particularly women, feel they should go in as subs because they don't know where to start. Don't be surprised or alarmed if you find, when you have some more experience, that you'd rather be on the other end of the leash.

As for boundaries, if you Google "BDSM checklist" you'll find lists of just about everything anyone has ever done or fantasised about. You can either use them to write your own list of Yesses and Nos, or if you want to be really thorough, copy one of the lists and fill in its categories (from "No way!" through "might try it..." to "Oh yeah!") and present it to possible contacts.

And feel free to share any experiences that worry you or make you want advice. This is a safe space.

[Misschief]

The BDSM Checklist, such as the one on the Bondage.com (once, a very free communication environment back in 2000 when I signed up; rather f-ing useless now for meeting others unless you go premium) provides the individual with a great many topics that may provoke highly contemplative, straightforward, and, as I have just now discovered, opinions that differ vastly and dynamically as altered throughout the passage of time..

Enough about me; I digress..

I cannot condone sending an uninitiated individual to delve into the plethora of confusing topics within these checklists as a means of becoming more conversant.. Words like "Acrotomophilia: arousal in connection with amputees" and "Agalmatophilia: arousal in connection with statues" will offer more questions than answers at this stage..

The best person to teach you about the realm of BDSM is you.. This library is home to thousands of stories that, while it may take you some time to sort through and find those that appeal to your dark side, will help you come to terms with what you already know about yourself, but are unsure about expressing..

My first masturbation thoughts, at 8, involved various power-exchange, humiliation, bondage, and other mentally stimulating depravities.. I never even admitted that I masturbated until I was 19.. That was also when I came to terms with the needs inside me..

So, ask yourself about the secret (mental) masturbation material you use to make yourself cum.. What is going on and what about it makes you cum..?

Really, though.. There are some really arousing stories here.. Something for everyone, with varying degrees of literary competencies..

[Austerus]

It's been a hard month. I'm not online enough and every time I read a post and have something clever today say it turns out denuseri, Oz, leo, or one of the other regulars has already said it. :P

Take your time to learn using the resources denuseri, Misschief, and others pointed you to. To reiterate what denuseri said, because it's really important: be careful. Be on the lookout for signs of predatory behavior. Don't let yourself be "separated from the herd." Move slowly and carefully with new people, and beware people who don't seem to have many points of connection with others. I don't want to make it sound like a pain in the ass, but being cautious and sensible is something good people will understand and approve of, and could save your life when dealing with bad people.

[Nicipac]

I agree with what has already been said...very sound advise for a newbie....something you might also do is read thru the Dom personal adds....see what moves you...contact them and ask questions....anyone worth knowing will happily answer the best they can ....worst thing is you make new friends..... and there is always the chat room hehe if it gets too hectic just listen and learn...you'll find a bunch of friendly people in here....Be safe and Play well

[Dog's Lady]

I add this a lot, but the book SM101, by Jay Wiseman, really helped me learn more about BDSM and, especially about safety. You don't say if you have a current partner or not, but whether with your now or with someone in the future, he gives worksheets for pre- and post-scene discussions that really cover all the bases.
You have probably already noticed that denuseri and leo9 are very helpful, among others. I have also gotten great advice//ideas from Scarlett (-something, I think 85), Ozme, and ksst. Look for names that are here a lot; that doesn't guarantee good advice, but almost everyone here seems eager to help.
Good luck, and enjoy!

[Ozme52]

Look for names that are here a lot; that doesn't guarantee good advice,

Huh?

Well, maybe not always good, but when it isn't good it's great!!

LOL

[Dog's Lady]

Oz, you are a special case--didn't you see that I named you as good in particular?

[happi]

i am new have seen many sites just want to know want is foodsex sploshing and peirod play l have an idea what they are but how to you go about them thanks

[Stone]

google is your friend

[DarkGhost]

Thank you for all the good information, its awesome to know how to continue the journey

[Nightscript]

Hey I am new here too and was wondering, about finding a bdsm support group near by.. How do you find them?? I can't find any near where I live..

[domminter]

can you assist please I am in Birmingham UK and want to add friends on this site and join a local group

[quiet watcher]

If your not sure of boundaries my advice is to start out slow. Use safe words, and listen to that little voice

[DarkGhost]

Read stories and make a fantasy of your own, gradually you will find a path to learn and see the things you wish to try

[callalily13]

m new here too and looking for advice. im really curious about the bdsm lifestyle and have thought about different scenes a lot. i dont know what to do. im ready to start. im married and my husband is up for trying anything. but i dont know if hes going to be up to what im thinking...

[TheDeSade]

Read. Ask questions. Read. Find a mentor who will help you, give you advice, teach you. Read. Be careful. Read. Watch out for old over the hill fat broken down slightly senile sadists who offer advice!

[leo9]

m new here too and looking for advice. im really curious about the bdsm lifestyle and have thought about different scenes a lot. i dont know what to do. im ready to start. im married and my husband is up for trying anything. but i dont know if hes going to be up to what im thinking...

Fortunately, you have a resource right next door. Look through the Library for stories that match the kind of scenes you're dreaming of, show them to your husband and see if they work for him too.

Bearing in mind, of course, that a lot of what you read there is don't-try-this-at-home stuff, meaning it sounds cool but wouldn't work for real. But even the pure fantasies will show you if the two of you are on the same page.