This is very intressting things to read. Beeing a "male" myself I can hardly picture myself beeing raped. And even so I always pictured myself as a "Top" I had submissiv fantasies in my teens and preteens.
I too, had a relationship with a girl who was once raped and we tried (very carefully) to work this out. I took awfully long fer her to open up to me, but eventually she did. We had Sex right from the start and told each other we´re into BDSM, too. So we knew what we´re getting into, but after she told me about her past expierences it was tough shit fer me. It even happend to her in a bdsm-session. She told me she could only be a sub fer me because of my ultra-protectiv beeing. Even so I like to perform a Dom role I´d never be able to hurt anybody on purpose (against her/his will, that is).
The thought of somebody forced against his own will to whatever is a major turn off fer me like nothing else is. If I can´t be absolutley sure of the free will of my partner or another "victim" in a play I watch, I can´t play or keep my arousel.

One time I even lost control at a party and beat the shit outa another "Master" because I was sure he´d lost the touch with reality and crossed the consensual line. Fortunately he really did and his "slave" was really gratefull. I was near berserk and it took a close friend with a lot of guts to stop me. But I crossed lines too. I lost controll and wasn´t able to find a better solution than brute force.
I´m really gratefull fer not beeing arrested. I wasn´t able to attend a party or play in a session ever since cause I´m terrified about losing control again. What if I hurt a "sub" because I lose controll and don´t see/ hear the safeword or the drop of the bell or whatever. Or even worse, what if I don´t care in this moment?

I alway was a control freak and often could´nt enjoy the play because of that. Right now I feel like I´m even more detached from an workin bdsm lifestyle than I ever was. Practicing Yoga and related stuff like, mh...Tai´Chi helps a bit.

So, I know it´s all in MY head and I´ve got to figure it out one way or another, but.... got an advice?


Hey, I´m cool with ma life right now, cause I´d rather be alone and have daisy sex once in a while before I risk hurting anyone.
And even so, I think I´d take action again if I feel there´s someone about to be raped or else

I hope this was the interresting upside down view from a Top.