alyssa:
Please, believe what you have read so far, and know this: there are amazing people here, with a lot of experience, compassion, helpfulness, discretion, and even humor. You will get so much more help if you are willing to post publicly. Take advantage of it. For privacy, just use terms like, he, I/i, master and sub, bottom and top, etc., and we will never know your r/l identity--although there are a few people here that I am starting to think I could trust with me "real identity" (as opposed to my secret "super sub" identity--and yes, that is an attempt at humor. I'm only an okay sub so far, but the people here are helping me get better.)
If you really can't bring yourself to talk in the forum, I hope you do find the help you need. Best of luck.