Summary, hiding myself was good for my wife, and good for both children. Was it bad for me, or did it keep me focused on job and family and not self and personal pleasure? Am I a better or worse person today because of the way events went? I don’t know.
That's amazing rev, and thank you very much for the honesty.



Like many of you, i noticed this difference at a very young age, in fact, i propose even as early as 5 or 6, which by the "experts" standards is far before puberty. I've read a lot of theories about the "why" we are like this, and i've come to the conclusion that nobody really knows, and it's different for all people. Somehow, the more time that passes, the "why" becomes less important to me.

The crossroads is an interesting place. I've been there a number of times, trekked down each path for a little while, and turned back again to look at the directional sign to ponder my thoughts over and over. One arrow points to kink, the other points to vanillaville.

Without boring everyone with too much detail, my current situation finds me unmarried, in a 12 year long term vanilla relationship, with a 9 year old son. My wife (for the lack of a better term) is perfect in every vanilla way. Incredibly good looking, wonderful to talk to, laugh with, snuggle with, be with. My son is more than i could ask for too, a wonderful boy, smart, loves to be with his Dad.

The tattle tale signs that living vanilla was going to be a struggle, started early into my relationship. After the glow of teenage sex waned, so did my interest in vanilla sex entirely. My wife and i dabbled with D/s for fun in spurts and spats, and all the while she was wondering why i wasn't asking her for sex. The misunderstood feelings i was sending eventually made her feel undesirable, unloved, unwomanly. My only sexual advances towards her was requesting bondage games and femdom fun. Our relationship was a ticking timebomb. Eventually, she resented the whole lifestyle, believing it was the staple of our demise, and casted it out of our lives.

Leaving me alone with my thoughts proved a tough time for me, and it was about this time that i found the internet. Not only that, i found a local real life community of people who where just like me. Not before long, i was lying to get out the door to attend munches. Munches became a brief reprieve for me. Someplace where people understood me, a place where i could exhale. Amongst the many i met there, i continued corespondance with a particular Domme who spoke very comforting words. Especially at a time when my hurting and confused wife was lashing out at the lifestyle, and in turn, me.

Not before long, the deception eventually came out in the open, and my wife and i separated, leaving her with my 4 year old son. Things would never be the same from that point forward. I spent a year, immersed in the lifestyle, however i never really got far from home, because i missed my relationship with my wife, and my son as well. There was lots of soul searching during this time, on both sides and eventually, my wife and i decided to work it out somehow. We love each other very much, so we decided to try anything that would work.

Since then, many things have happened, and many attempts at things have failed. She's tried to nurture the monster that lives within me, and i've tried to be that vanilla husband that yourns to push her against a wall and make passionate love. Our efforts have been futile. I've stared long and hard at that signpost, i've tried desparately to separate myself into two halves and walk one leg each way. No matter how you try, it's an impossible task.

So now, i live with the happiness that comes with being in a loving family. I've chosen the vanilla path, although the brochure to all things kink remains in my back pocket. It's not a devious thing. My wife knows that it is there. In fairness, there is sacrifice on boths sides really. My D/s activities have been reduced to my maturbatory thoughts and the odd fling with my wife, and her vanilla sex episodes happen about once every two months. During oral play, i feel like i'm worshiping my Domme and she pretends that i'm just an ordinary vanilla guy. It sounds a little sad, but there is so much good about our relationship that tries very hard to shadow the sadness.

Summary, living this way is good for my wife, and good for my son. Is it bad for me or does it keep me focused on my family or my job and not self and personal pleasure? Will i be a better or worse person tomorrow because of the decisions that i'm making? I don't know.

It's the path that i've chosen, and right now, it feels like the right thing to do, for all involved.


bent