Originally posted by abitbent
...I'd love to hear about how you struggled with this lifestyle, when you realized that it was something you could not ignore, and you found yourself at the crossroads. It's interesting to me, because i find that a lot of times, this realization happens to us after we are fully involved in a "i'm trying to fit in and be normal in a vanilla relationship" time in our lives. Even if you were single when it happened, i'd love to hear your story too. What were the struggles? Did you tell any family or friends? What path did you choose and do you regret any of the decisions you made? What would you have done differently and ultimately are you happy now?
It is going to be painful for me to tell this story, because even though I have accepted who I am and the fact that I am incredibly happy with someone who understands me, and loves me; the very people (my parents) whom I would like to tell this story to are the ones less likely to hear me. I have even come to the point that I have forgiven them and given up on the idea of ever telling them about it. It would break their hearts.

How the whole idea of bdsm came to me is not the point. It has been in my mind for as long as I can remember. When I was a child I fed it through reading everything I could lay my hands on and through sheer force of imagination. And even though my mother was really cool about sex-ed, my first period, dating, boyfriends, make-up and women's lib; the first time she got an inkling about my "perversion" (she caught me masturbating with my legs tied with rope) she came raving-screaming-freaking-unglued. She told my father about it and he -not being used to dealing with "female stuff"- did something he had never done before. He beat me. This was no bdsm fantasy spanking. It was a wet-myself-screaming-in-terror beating. Yet it did something that convinced me that I was going to be a masochist the rest of my life. It proved to me that I was strong. And proud. And, at 12 years old, able to face the most awful thing that life could throw at me, the betrayal of my parents, or so I saw it. I was not sure If I could be happy, but I was sure that this was really me.

Of course, I had to deal with the secondary effects of the abuse: low self-esteem, guilt, fear of intimacy, frigidity, failed relationships. In my parents eyes, the punishment worked. I never did anything like bdsm again. In fact I just got smarter and never got caught again. The guilt of becoming sexually active led me to self-inflicted discipline and eventually to the realization that I had mentally damaged myself and that I would never be normal. The one thing I never feared again was pain.

Salvation came in the person of my boyfriend F. the only person with whom I talked about this before discovering the internet forums. I had never though possible that I could be loved the way he loves me and when, in the beginning of our relationship he confronted me about the results of a self-inflicted punishment session I decided to be responsible about it to myself and to him. I told him everything and took the chance to be accepted by him the way I had already accepted myself. Only later did I realized how lucky I was to have found the one man in the whole world who would love me without conditions or prejudice.

When it became apparent that bdsm and happiness were not mutually exclusive I felt elated, euphoric and angry. Yes, angry. This was happiness and my parents had tried to rob me of it. I never needed therapy to deal with my masochism but I needed it to deal with my anger towards my parents. However, it was worth it. I have found freedom in bondage and bliss in suffering. Not because of guilt, but because this is who I am. It is an added bonus that I am loved for being me by a wonderful person who also discovered how much fun this lifestyle really is. He has become a wonderful dom and even a part time switch.

So no, no regrets. Would I have done anything different? I guess now it matters little. Happy? Yes, a big happy YES!

I have cried while I writing this story. Yes, part of me still wishes I could love my parents the way they deserve to be loved. Other than this matter they did a wonderful job raising me and my siblings. Their only fault was ignorance. And I have vowed to keep them in the dark about my private life in order to spare them more pain. I am just glad, abitbent, that you have given me a chance to share this with you and everyone else at this forum. Hope it helps.

F. if you ever read this, I love you with all my heart, just because you made it all OK.