While I've mouthed on a bit about my sexual evolution here, I I think the moment I realized I was on a path to strange places was in the middle of a relationship with someone who was a bit chemically unbalanced, someone a bit insane (but in a lovely way).

We'll call her Alice.

Alice was a chain--smoking blonde beauty, who had a long scar running up her forehead from a car crash in Europe years before. The moment I met her I found her incredibly sexy. The funny part is, the scar was part of it. Maybe it was a kind of 'alteration' fetish. She'd been matrked by something in her life, and it had tremendous power over her. And for whatever reason, I was incredibly turned on by it.

Truth to tell, she is also the woman who first asked me to play rape with her, something I briefly describe in the above link.

We stopped seeing each other and I went foreword with the fiesty irish redhead. a few years later, I looked her up again. We started dating, then spent long weekends together. The sex was phenomonal. If you've nebver been with someone who was completely open to you, completely submissive, would do anything to please you and to have you please her... I have had ten lovers in my life, and half of them I have done 'positions' with, like '69'. But with Alice, nothing was orchestrated, nothing was planned. We were a train wreck in bed, pulling each other the way we wanted, grabbing, sucking, licking, biting, poking, pushing, screaming.

The only person I've ever been with where the cops got involved due to loud fucking noises.

Being with her was the threshold bvefore the abyss. we weren't grossed out by each other's body parts, flatulence, noises, fluids... we just did what came natural and cleaned up later.... the first and only jam of my life.

Now, before some of you start asking me for her phone number, and the rest of you ask me why I would break up with such a brilliant force of nature, you havbe to understand that there was a flawed mental process at play. Had we both been deaf mutes who could only communicate visually and sexually, we probably would still be together, humping like the world was ending.

But we weren't. With our heads and mouths in the way, things fell apart. She would do weird things; deny things that had occured. One time, we were talking on the couch, about what we both liked in bed (mistake), and I confessed that I really enjoyed anal sex-- enjoyed being inside her that way, enjoyed the vulnerability and openness and trust it demanded of her, and of course the sheer naughtiness of it.

She said, "What are you talking about?!? I'd never let you put it in my ass!"

So the reality that I was in was not the same as her own. And she was prone to breakdowns, as well. The only girl I ever cheated on, and suffered impotence for my truly vile behavior...

But up until the last month together, I never held back anything from her. Whatever I felt, thought, suspected, I said. She knew me well, and probably knew me for a selfish asshole. There's a song by VAST called "Touched", that pretty much reminds m eof her everytime. I''ll never find someone quite like her again... never love someone they way I loved her. That's like every relationship ever, sure, but she was so many light years away from any of my girlfriends before her...

I am suddenly feeling naked.