Hello, Amoeba.

You might start by asking, what makes a relationship work? The short answer is that you meet each other's needs in a way no one else does. If those needs are strong and you meet them well and consistently, the relationship will be strong and enduring. That requires a fair degree of natural fit: your needs and hers, your strengths and hers have to complement each other. If those needs are weak ("I need an occasional chat, not a daily engagement"), or if a person misunderstands her own needs ("I thought I needed submission but it turns out that I just needed someone who would listen to me"), or if you misunderstand her needs ("I thought she wanted me to be all leather-and-whippy but I think she wanted gentle scolding and direction"), or if you meet them inconsistently (say, by moving too quickly from stern older sister to full-out bitch), the relationship will not thrive.

And that's okay, dear. A healthy relationship needs to contain a strong element of natural reward for both parties; that is, a feeling that's not faked or forced. And there has to be reason for that feeling to deepen, strengthen, spread, grow organically over time. Frankly there are many relationships which simply do not have that potential. That's not a sign of failure. You both might be entirely wonderful, amazing, loving people with an enormous amount to offer.

Just not to each other.

I'm not disregarding the prospect that you fucked up (God knows, I do it often enough and in an amazing variety of venues). You might have. My argument is that you should not begin with that assumption and you should not assume that beating yourself up over imagined mistakes is productive. (Fine, if you really feel the need to be beaten up over it, slip on your nicest French maid's outfit and pour an iced cafe au lait on your Master's lap while calling him "pookie boy." That'll give both of you the chance to concentrate on something productive. Once you're able to sit comfortably again, this other matter will feel comfortably distant.)

What's next? If you want to be the lead member of a relationship, then you need to get into the habit of productive problem-solving. In that particular role, you might need to force yourself to think a bit more and feel a bit less. I'd recommend a bit of detaching introspection, data-gathering, and conversation. In order to make any progress, you need to be able to free yourself of unproductive self-sniping and self-doubts. Try to think like a helpful outsider to the relationship. What was the evidence of natural fit? How, and how quickly, did the relationship move? At what point, and in what form, did warning flags seem to appear? At this point, what might be the elements of a future, likely altered, relationship? Write up your findings, don't let them stay trapped in your head. Add a couple reflections ("ask about the appropriateness of calling her <whatever>" "start each meeting with a compliment and end it with an expression of affection," "keep your promise to be there every day"). And then move on. Stop agonizing about the past. Take a moment to embrace the joys of the day, and anticipate the adventure of new, more satisfying, more mature relationships in the morrow.

For what it's worth,

S.