Hi Jen
I’ve been thru the same confusing stage. I hope this will help a bit on your way.
I managed to get over it and accept my self for whom I’m. Some of the questions I asked my self were; why should I feel ashamed because I get turn-on by a good spanking? Other people do allsorts of strange things. My partner is not hurting me or in fact doing things I don’t find arousing. If someone walks in on us, they may think that he is abusing me, but it’s my body isn’t I the one that decides what I desire and knows what turns me on. How can any one tell me what I feel and long for? Haven’t I the right to get intense orgasm just because we’ve told that it’s not right by the society? I think that it’s a good rule in the civilised world that you shall not inflict another person pain and that you can’t go around hitting people. But I don’t look upon the pain I resave from my partner as a breaking off the civilized laws, but as a part of our sex life that has noting to do with that. Bdsm is something that should only be carried out with equal understanding and respect.
Feelings
Nobody can tell you what you’re feeling; your feelings are true and yours alone. Nobody can tell you otherwise. Be true to your feelings and let them be a part of you.
Take care