For the record Jeanne, I am already a year older than you and have yet another birthday this month. I also had four children and adopted a fifth.

Like I stated I think this is just a sensitive topic for me because of where I am in my own life, ya know...that damaging process. I recently retired, and moved to another state and found out the following week I was going to be a grandmother. My day to day life just took a dramatic change.

Tina Turner still looks darn good in a mini...who knows maybe I can get away with it awhile longer too.

It is only myself that I look at the "physical" and judge, and do so very harshly. The odd thing to me is what I am judging and wishing I could be, is the very opposite of what I look at and am attracted to.
The weight I wish I could be in reality is unhealthy, and for me to see it on someone else I would think my gawd someone hold em down and stuff a cheeseburger down thier throat.
My job was in the entertainment industry, on a daily basis I would see people my age with so much botox, even plastic surgery scars . That they can not even use thier face to express real emotion. I felt nothing but pity for them and was not the slightest bit attracted.
When I did not have the time to really dwell on this, and my world was more "vanilla" I did not judge myself so harshly.
I am a bit of a perfectionist, when I do a job or give something I want it to be the very best possible. Maybe I am still holding too much of that vanilla and thinking that the visual perfect 10 IS the best that I could give. ....perhaps to that is just part of a need to punish myself because I know I am not giving that.
I think I am trying to find a reason for wanting to give something, that I myself am so unattracted to when there is no reason for it.
I knew along time ago that I was not attracted to the vanilla society, and was a little I guess shocked is the right word to find that there were so many others who felt the same. I dont know why it still surprises me at times , that I am not all alone in my way of thinking.
Even with in the BDSM, you can easily find stories, and photos....of plus sized, differently abled ...but where are those aged and aging ?

I think I am going to shut up now, and go get lost in a fantasy about being tied to a walker and cane raped.