Thanks for sharing! We all crave a certain amount of structure in our lives. Some are naturally very structured (uptight, anal retentive, etc.). Others are less structured but recognize a need for it in their lives. I'm in the second group. As for rape fantasies, I think we all have those but few would want it to really happen. Imagining lets us experience things safely. It lets us sample experiences without having them. That's perfectly healthy and desirable. Safe words and Tops who act on them are very important to safety! Our safe word is RED! My husband/Master stops what He's doing immediately when He hears it. Equally important; non-verbal "safe action"! You need to be able to make things stop if you're gagged. I hold something in my right hand when I'm gagged. Dropping it is the "safe action." You're very mature for your age but please take care! Experience is an excellent teacher but it takes a while to acquire. Please be careful!