Quote Originally Posted by rachel06 View Post
I don't think this is entirely fair. Yes, if you expect the Dom/me to gratify you the way you want when you want, then you are topping from the bottom, and BTW, since you know this and feel so strongly about it, I wonder why you started this thread as a question? But there are times, say pushing limits, when it's perfectly reasonable for the sub to just say no, but it might be more enjoyable for everyone if s/he gave it a shot. And at those times, s/he might have some concerns that the DOM/ME CAN'T READ HIR MIND ABOUT! Maybe it makes the difference between a good scene and bad one, or a good scene or no scene. Maybe the sub would like to modify things a bit, in order to be able to participate. And maybe the Dom/me would prefer to know that rather than have the sub exercise hir right of refusal.

So, I repeat my question to Dom/mes that fall into this category. Dom/mes who prefer a miserable sub or one who won't try new stuff, move on. The rest of you, though, could you please tell me how you allow your sub to help you shift things during a scene? Obviously, it's better if you've discussed things beforehand but that doesn't always work out for a variety of reasons.
well, I started the thread the way i did because I wasn't sure how I felt. and I dont think I feel too strongly. the whip thing, well that was a joke, kinda. maybe if I answer your question and see if that gives you a better idea of how I feel.
first, I have done the checklist thing with her, and I keep that list. I continually talk to her about things. I try to get into her head all the time. I have a good memory and take notes onto her list all the time. we discuss my fantasies and hers, and become fluent with each other's likes and dislikes.
now knowing her limits this way, I try to keep to a safe level. I ask her about pain levels. she knows that she should use her safe word. I reinforce that constantly. If I started to do something that was threatening to her, I would expect her to speak up. if it just wasn't hot enough for her, well, I think she would just have to trust that it would get better. then after the "session" she could talk to me. that hasn't come up though

I guess the difference to me is that a Dom should devote him/her self to their sub, trying to make the best experience for the sub. the sub needs to develoop the trust to let the dom be the dom.