You Down With OPP?

[Flaming_Redhead]

You didn't respect your own boundaries. Why did you expect him to?

That's a good question and one not easily answered. I had every intention of playing by the rules, but the fact of the matter is that I let myself be pressured into doing something I knew was "wrong." It looks like old habits die hard. At least I didn't let it go "too far," although that's not entirely true because crossing any line is too far.

So is it fine for him to rub up against you while you dance in a sexually explicit nature with his wife, just so long as he doesn't get a hard-on?

And yet you wonder why he's not "down with OPP"?

Um...we were dancing...which is nothing different and nothing new. He's never done that....

Why? You've repeatedly put yourself in the position of being seen by them in this "wild and crazy girl" light. In another thread, you said that pole dancing is "exactly like something" you could imagine doing. Why are you expecting them to view you differently when you aren't doing so for yourself?

*sigh* The problem, I guess, is that this girl justs wants to have fun, but people keep taking her seriously.

Try seeing it from their perspective. You've played with them on more than one occasion now. You hang out with them in sexually-rich environments. You present yourself to them as a sexually adventurous being. They need time to un-learn what you've taught them previously. You've just started re-teaching them about you. Be consistent with them in what you want them to now know of you, and give them some time to adjust. It's not easy to just all of the sudden change your thoughts and ideas and beliefs, especially if one is receiving mixed messages.

I know I haven't exactly been consistent, and that's because life isn't consistent. I went from not being allowed to play, to being allowed on a limited basis, to not being allowed. Try to keep up people!!! *lol* I say that, but I can't even keep up with myself.

Your environment is a bar or a BDSM play dungeon or a BDSM hook-up site, where sexual inhibitions go right out the window upon approaching such places, you're there for all intents and purposes without "your man", and you're surprised that others view you in a sexual light?? You, darling woman, are not that naive. Besides, looking for respect in a bar, et all, is like looking for peace in the Middle East...it ain't so easily found.

No, I'm not that naive, but I am hard-headed enough to believe that I have every right to go where I want to go, with or without an escort, because this is not the Middle Ages. In all actuality, the most "sexually charged" place I frequent is also the safest and most respectful. I could run around stark naked and not be touched.

Find and do what feels right and true and respectful for you, and others will follow your example. (And not going unattended to bars might help, too. Just a thought.)

On the one hand, you're telling me to do what feels right to me, but in the very same breath, you're telling me to do what society thinks proper young ladies should do. I know you can't have your cake and eat it, too. I can't be me and expect respect, but at least I'm having a damn good time! Mostly....

[tessa]

Um...we were dancing...which is nothing different and nothing new. He's never done that....

Um...I've seen you dance..."nothing different" ??? That's the understatement of the ages.

Ok, so he's never rubbed up on you on the dance floor before. Seems now the man has the idea that it's okay to do it with you, maybe because you've been up close and personal with him a time or three at this point? And due to recent events with the three of you, maybe because he's feeling more...comfortable with you in a sexual framework, and he's thinking it's appropriate to express his sexual feelings towards you in such a way. But you don't want his attention in that way anymore, right? So tell him. Make it clear to him what your expectations are and follow through with meaning what you say. If he then crosses the line, it will be all on him, and you can nail his ass to the wall, all without missing a beat of that funky music.

*sigh* The problem, I guess, is that this girl justs wants to have fun, but people keep taking her seriously.

Hold up. In this thread, you are venting about not getting the respect you want. In that way you want to be taken seriously, right? Or have I misread you?

Have your fun. A girl's gotta have it, after all. What I hope you'll realize is that within your fun, other people are involved-people with their own feelings and ideas and responses. And because you aren't isolated in your fun, nor sure about if you want to be taken seriously or not, you will get responses you don't appreciate.

So, which is it? Serious about respect or no?

I know I haven't exactly been consistent, and that's because life isn't consistent. I went from not being allowed to play, to being allowed on a limited basis, to not being allowed. Try to keep up people!!! *lol* I say that, but I can't even keep up with myself.

You *lol*, but I suspect you actually mean this on some level. What I hear from you with this statement of yours is that depending on what you believe the status of your relationship to be at the moment, you expect others to be unresponsive ('respectful' as you term it) towards you if the relationship is in high gear, yet ready to play and have fun with you if it's in neutral or dead stopped. Yeah, trying to "keep up" with that will prove difficult on the best of days, so expecting a never-changing attitude from others may be a bit unrealistic for a while yet.

No, I'm not that naive, but I am hard-headed enough to believe that I have every right to go where I want to go, with or without an escort, because this is not the Middle Ages. In all actuality, the most "sexually charged" place I frequent is also the safest and most respectful. I could run around stark naked and not be touched.

True that. However, you said-

"I can't go to the dungeon without someone asking me to play."

You said that in your original rant. You included the dungeon scene as part of the problem, so I did the same in my response to you.

About the other places, if you honestly believe that your cute self bending over a pool table while stroking that big stick in and out of your hands doesn't ramp up the "sexually charged" atmosphere of a place filled with people loaded up on inhibition-crushing solutions, "blind denial" must be your newest hobby.

All that said, my point was missed. I was addressing the fact that maybe you're getting these unwanted responses because of the nature of the places you're going, not whether you have the right to be there. Yes, you have every right to go anywhere you want and do anything you want. However, there are consequences to be had from doing such. In this case, the consequences are those people you're bitching about not respecting you and your relationship. But guess what? They also have every right. That right is not yours alone to have.

On the one hand, you're telling me to do what feels right to me, but in the very same breath, you're telling me to do what society thinks proper young ladies should do.

This is not at all what I meant. In regards to what I said about doing what's right and true, I was referencing what your sister said to you about it not being VM's business what you do and where you go. You have to decide what is and isn't true for you, not your sister. As for my ideas about what should and shouldn't be done, fuck what society thinks about "proper". I don't hold store by such nonsense. I thought you knew that about me.

I'll say it again. Seek to find your truth and live it in a way that makes it all very clear to others. It may take time, but in doing so, you may garner the respect you seek. Figure out what will work best for you and your relationship. Now if that's playing pool at a bar full of inebriated, raging manly hormones and...umm, "dancing" with your friend in front of her husband, then have at it. Just don't expect to have those behaviors help your cause to gain respect.

I can't be me and expect respect, but at least I'm having a damn good time! Mostly....

After questioning and giving this idea so much thought, now you're gonna indulge in a pity party?? What a cop out. You're capable of more and you know it!

Why can't you be you and expect respect? Why would you even allow yourself to have such an atrocious thought to begin with?? It's a real disservice you're heaping on yourself for even having that lame thought.

You want to know why you aren't getting the respect you want? Take a look at what you just said right up there and you'll have your crystal clear answer.

Try demanding respect from yourself first. You're very much worth the investment. Once you've gained it within, then you can seek and find it elsewhere.

Again, you're worth it.

Seriously.