Pink frosted cupcakes and a good bottle of bourbon - it may not sound like a good combination, but trust me it is...lol

Seriously though...

Anyone who knows J and I know that our situation has been a rough one from the start. We became involved as each of our prior relationships were crumbling and ending, there are kids involved and one bitter, bitter ex that is determined not to let go. Relationships are hard enough on their own, pile on more and more outside variables and you're looking at a really rough row to hoe. Hence, J and I are on separate paths for what could be a really long time or, if I wanna be blunt about it, forever.

When I think about him, see something that reminds me of him, walk by a place we ate out at or used to go...well...I really rather would have my heart physically ripped from my chest than to feel it tearing out like it does emotionally. I'll let you in on a little secret since we're talking about it: I wake up at night sometimes to find I've been sobbing in my sleep, often to the point where I'm hyperventilating or I have to go throw up. The positive side to waking up like this? At least that means I've slept. Most nights I wander around until nearly dawn - I'm an insomniac naturally but I'm down to about three hours of sleep a night now, and that's pushing it even for me.

However, I keep coming back to one thing that I just can't ignore: to be able to hurt this deeply means I loved equally deeply. People walk the planet in DROVES that have never known a minute of what I felt in my heart, and still do feel, for J-Go. Not only did I give that love but it was, for a time, returned to me. Whether that was for five minutes or five years, it doesn't matter - there existed in my life that feeling of loving another person with no reservations.

I loved.

And that makes me very very very lucky...

I focus on that, I respect that more than I respect my pain, and somehow that seems to soothe things little by little.