Trust

[Seri]

Bitter disappointment?
It should be some thing I’ve become long accustomed to, and those that know my past would be able to agree. However, I don’t think anything ever can prepare you for that knife wound to the guts. The feelings as you sit there, watching every one just walk away as you feel your blood slowly draining away…
I was a little gothling once, couldn’t you tell with all that flowery death? As humorous as it seems, I’m dead serious. What makes us do this? What makes us set ourselves up for a fall? Why do we trust the words that come from a name on the screen, a voice on the phone? Why are we all so stupid?
Perhaps this is in bad taste, with the bitter acid still rising in my throat, still so early from my betrayal. But at the same time, I look at all of you and ask every one to take a moment and step back. To close your eyes and think, perhaps there are good reasons, and good experiences to be had here in the vastness of the internet, perhaps its just because I don’t know how to see the light more often then not. But at the same time, I dare all of you to ask yourselves. How many times have you been hurt after you’ve opened yourself to some one online? Twice? Three times? Do the good times outnumber the bad?
Of course, I’m asking some pretty personal questions here, and starting them with an attack on our ‘subculture’, I don’t expect to make any friends with what I’ve said here, rather I’m half expecting juicy flames, or a veiled threat or three. But again, I ask. How many? What makes this life worthwhile?
I sit these days at home and struggle to come onto the library, not because of who I don’t know, or don’t like. But rather because of those of you who I do know, I admit that I’m afraid to come into the library chat and find that every thing changed, that every thing has moved on.
No, I’m not a long time member of the Library, I’ve only been here since mid July, however at the same time I’ve been here long enough to establish a clique or two (if you can really take credit for that) meet many people, watch new trends spring up, and old ones die. So do I have a right to ask these questions? I would like to think so.
So, in final summarization, those of you whom wish to respond. What is the point? What brings you back, knowing that some one could have read your toneless post the wrong way and is just waiting to attack you for it? What brings you back, knowing that the person claiming to be yours doesn’t have six or seven different user names and six or seven different relationships going on at once? Can we ever truly trust another human being?

~ Seri

[leah06]

I can't answer any of your questions, but I'm very sorry that you are feeling so sad. Maybe spending time with real life people, even if they don't share this aspect of your interests, would be helpful? Maybe I shouldn't have responded, since I don't have anything useful to say, but you post with such pain I just wanted you to know that someone heard you.

[Ozme52]

It happened to me twice. The first time, I "left" online totally, for nearly a year. But I came back. And it happened again, but this time I fought back... and subsequently met someone online, here, whom I would have missed out on, who is very important to me.

I've also met, in person, some 16 or 17 people I can now call friends and/or acquaintances... and am richer for it.

The bile you taste is of your own making... yes, the other's fault, but you make it yourself. I know I did. Put it aside, wade in again. Don't hide from life, real or online, and make yourself happy again.

It works.

[craven]

i guess it could happen to us all, but then it could well do, and we all hear of times when it does in real life as well as on line, more scope for people to fib online i suppose, but there is still the ability for people to be dishonest and deceitful face to face as well as via the keyboard.

Trust is a precious and fragile thing, like the heart, it can be bruised and abused, but we have to keep on hoping.

I am lucky i guess in that it has not happened to me online, or rather not that i know of, when chatting to someone who you feel yourself beginning to get involved with maybe try and speak to their circle of friends, or those that you know they chat with, it is hard to maintain lies to a number of people, they are sure to drop a clanger or get found out, this might help either confirm what they say or highlight inconsistencies in their stories.

Other than that seri, well your guess is as good as mine, take things slowly, and try to build up the trust, any doubts, address them there and then, dont let them fester, and in times of doubt trust in those that you know well, and who you know have your interests close to their hearts.

good luck and keep on trusting, it is all an of us can do

[DowntownAmber]

I'm going to approach this post in two slightly different styles. First, I'll go for short and sweet:

SHIT HAPPENS.

Whether online or in real life, we all run the risk of having the emotional rug yanked out from underneath us. This brings me to my slightly more flowery version of a response:

we have no choice as to the actions of other people. We cannot make them love us, we cannot make them respect us or keep us safe or tell us the truth. We do, however, have an infinite variety of responses to their actions.

Everything can be taken from a us but one thing, the very last and the only true human freedom - to choose our attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose our own way. Even when our lives are reduced down to just a single choice in a single moment, that choice is still a universe of possibility. Life is not who loves us, it's who we love and the purity of our own feelings - it's not about who hurt us, or who lied to us, it's about our ability to look upon ourselves with the pride of our own self-imposed honesty and judgment and say, "I felt, I trusted, I loved."

That's why we come back when we've been hurt - because the tragedy is not in the bleeding, the tragedy is giving up.

[ishtar-astarte]

i suppose one way of avoiding disappointment is to not let anyone get close. and if they do, hurt them. really bad. in a way you know is going to make them so mad and sad that they won't ever want to get close to you again. hurt them before they hurt you right?

good job.

Bitter disappointment?
It should be some thing I’ve become long accustomed to, and those that know my past would be able to agree. However, I don’t think anything ever can prepare you for that knife wound to the guts. The feelings as you sit there, watching every one just walk away as you feel your blood slowly draining away…
I was a little gothling once, couldn’t you tell with all that flowery death? As humorous as it seems, I’m dead serious. What makes us do this? What makes us set ourselves up for a fall? Why do we trust the words that come from a name on the screen, a voice on the phone? Why are we all so stupid?
Perhaps this is in bad taste, with the bitter acid still rising in my throat, still so early from my betrayal. But at the same time, I look at all of you and ask every one to take a moment and step back. To close your eyes and think, perhaps there are good reasons, and good experiences to be had here in the vastness of the internet, perhaps its just because I don’t know how to see the light more often then not. But at the same time, I dare all of you to ask yourselves. How many times have you been hurt after you’ve opened yourself to some one online? Twice? Three times? Do the good times outnumber the bad?
Of course, I’m asking some pretty personal questions here, and starting them with an attack on our ‘subculture’, I don’t expect to make any friends with what I’ve said here, rather I’m half expecting juicy flames, or a veiled threat or three. But again, I ask. How many? What makes this life worthwhile?
I sit these days at home and struggle to come onto the library, not because of who I don’t know, or don’t like. But rather because of those of you who I do know, I admit that I’m afraid to come into the library chat and find that every thing changed, that every thing has moved on.
No, I’m not a long time member of the Library, I’ve only been here since mid July, however at the same time I’ve been here long enough to establish a clique or two (if you can really take credit for that) meet many people, watch new trends spring up, and old ones die. So do I have a right to ask these questions? I would like to think so.
So, in final summarization, those of you whom wish to respond. What is the point? What brings you back, knowing that some one could have read your toneless post the wrong way and is just waiting to attack you for it? What brings you back, knowing that the person claiming to be yours doesn’t have six or seven different user names and six or seven different relationships going on at once? Can we ever truly trust another human being?

~ Seri

[craven]

That's why we come back when we've been hurt - because the tragedy is not in the bleeding, the tragedy is giving up.

I love this sentiment, so bittersweet, and it really does encapsulate what i feel many have said on this thread

we live in hope, once that is gone then we are surely lost

Dum spiro spero - whilst i breath i hope.......

[fetishdj]

In any subculture there will always be friction and those who are not necessarily acting in the best interests of individuals or the group as a whole. Equally, there will always be perfectly innocent personality clashes which occur simply because two people do not get on for whatever reason.

This is mainly because those in a subculture often have little in common with each other over then the involvement in the subculture. I bet if you were to poll this site or any BDSM club you will find a range of social classes, professions, education level, cultures and religions. The one (and sometimes two or three) similarities, the interest in the culture, are what bring us together but it is sometimes the hundreds of (often quite small, sometimes quite large) differences that drive us apart.

And it is not just differences outside the scene. Often it is disagreements within it - over protocol, tradition, techniques, safety etc - that can lead to massive rifts.

The internet does not help with this. Adding emotional tone to written posts is next to impossible. This is why we have smilies and other emoticons. They are far from perfect but they are the best we have until someone invents a better way to do it.

Personally, I think a bit of debate and controversy is a good thing as it keeps the scene alive - keeps the members on thier toes and questioning protocol and tradition and therefore keeps everything fresh. Unfortunately, some people take it too far...

As for trusting those on the other side of the screen... its best not to until you are absolutely certain you can.

[Pearlgem]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Seri. I was feeling particularly miserable about my sub life just a couple of days ago when I got a PM out of the blue from a wonderful sister sub on here telling me nice things and wishing me well. It was the unexpected kindness of it that really touched me and it was just the lifeline I needed. I wrote back to her and vented all my woes. I had hardly got to the end of it when I definitely started to feel better. Just to share, to allow others who offer to kindly share your burden, to respond to the friendship that can be found on here. Let your friends help you through this if you can. I sincerely hope you find your heart and courage and happiness again soon.

[denuseri]

I am sorry your feeling bad and betrayed Seri, truth be told I have missed seeing you in chat and I hope despite whatever happed that has made you withdraw from the rest of us who do care, that you will return.

HuGs my boo

<<is keeping you in my prayers

[devilishsub]

As much as it royally sucks to have some one we care about betray us, think of it this way, without these terrible experiences we (as part of the human race) would never be able to experience happiness. Experiences exist in relation to each other.
To clarify chocolate cake wouldn't taste so damn good if you hadn't had to shovel down lima beans at some point.
Wallowing in disappointment for some time is normal, but you do need to move on. View this experience as something that will make you appreciate the good times more. Use it as a chance to grow, look at what went wrong. If you are falling for the wrong type of person, think about what you can do to avoid this situation again.
Personally, I found I was attracted to the wrong type of guy, I found I have no desire to remake those types of mistakes. I had to sit and make the effort to find the common ground with all the negative experiences. I wrote down everything that I hated about those relationships (the guys would borrow money, consistently disrespect me in being late, they lacked ambition). Now that I am aware of these things, I know what I need to avoid and the signs that will show that a person is unreliable. I can now avoid this like the plague.
Instead of being so upset think about what happened and why and do everything you can to avoid that type of person in the future.
Much love and best of luck.

[shayna{L_D}]

Trust is hard regardless of its on the internet or not with that being said, here I go.

When I was 13 or 14, right around when the internet became semi popular, in fact this was right around when chat rooms actually got names instead of numbers (on aol that is.) if you can believe that. I went into a chat room, I wont say what it was about because, well that’s a secret. (hey I gotta have some!) I met so many people my age, that were into the same things I was, they were nice, friendly, open and I thought them to be honest. I was there for a year, a staple in that chat room. Until I started noticing inconsistencies in what people were saying about there real life verses there online life. I found out some heart breaking things, and some things that totally disgusted me. I, in the end left the internet all together. I left for two years.

I swore to myself to never go into a chat room ever again, never be open and or honest with people again. Fast forward to February of this year, and I was on the library, in the chat room, being a staple there also. I thought ‘oh maybe times have changed’, boy was I wrong. I am not going to name drop or throw anyone under the bus. I know there are a lot of people, not just on the library that lie about small things. Age, height, weight, location, not a big deal right? No, its not I can understand people wanting to hide those things from creeps. But when it comes to really getting to know someone and trusting them with secrets and personal problems you are having, that becomes tough. Such as being married in real life and having a sub online, the sub online being completely unaware that the other person is married. Or even worse that the other person may be the opposite sex. Ive heard so many horror stories of people finding out facts like that the hard way, some of my closet friends had to go through that and I just hoped agaisint hope that I wasn’t being burned the same way. But how can you tell, that the person you are trusting isn’t lying to you about something very important? Fact is, you cant.


I just recently went through getting burned but I continually put my hand in the fire, thinking that this person was changed, or other people were just wrong. I put my blinders on from the beginning and that’s my fault. You cant change people, they are who they are and they wont change unless they want to. At times, we allow people the fire to burn us with. Other times we give them the water to put us out. But i learned in the end when you get burned dont let the arsonist be the one to relight you. stop (think about it), drop( (leave situation), and roll (move on).


To answer your questions I have been burned, three good times. The first was enough to make me leave the net all together, the others were just learning experiences. I barely open myself up to someone online unless I think they are well worth it, as you know. Do the good outnumber the bad? Yes I have to say they do. I have met some awesome people, online (turning into offline friendships) from this very library. Ive also learned a lot of other people getting burned, and learned a lot in general. Does getting burned make me scared to come to the library? At times, I feel why am I opening myself up to get hurt, that just means you have to be more careful of who you open up to. There are some people out there worth while, Seri.


I am sorry this happened to you, and you got hurt, and were that upset. Sometimes in life you have to say ‘okay I got hurt, let me look at the positive’ if there is no positive then you have to just pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and or pride and move on. Easier said then done, I understand.


Finally, I have no problem with being honest about ANYTHING when it comes to my life, and how I live it. I hide nothing from myself nor from other people. I am me, no need to hide who I am. A lot of people have met me in real life from here and know that how I am online is how I am in real life, take it or leave it.

[DowntownAmber]

Dum spiro spero - whilst i breath i hope.......

That's, oddly enough, been the siganature on my email for YEARS. Get off of my brainwave, damn Brit...lol