Help! i'm stuck!

[Aibo]

Hello cbtboyuk

When reading I agree with Clevernick, the idea is good, you have plenty of atmosphere, thats good also, but the sentences are often convoluted and makes for a hard read.

(I have the same problem myself, so I am not getting up on this soapbox feeling all superior, rather feel sympathetic since I have the same problem.
In my case its stems from the fact that English is my fourth or fifth language. So that uncertainty makes me overdo sentences since I want to make certain they are understood.)

So I think it shouldn't be so hard for you.

Lets take the first sentence, this one is the hook and setting for what will come later:

"The Inquisitor stood and stretched as the last echoes of the screaming died against the torch-lit stone walls."

Here is my suggestion:

"The last echoes of screaming died out against the torch-lit walls. And the Inquisitor stood up and stretched now that the heathen had passed out again."

Later down:

"The cane fell across the superbly muscled chest, the huge thighs and finally the unrelieved testicles, making the sinful orbs bounce in their tender pouch, until the boy's howl of agony became hoarse and broken."

Same suggestion: edit into two sentences and consider cutting something out. You might not need every detail mentioned here.

So thats my ½ centime suggestion.

Good luck!
Aibo

[Sanapet]

I loved the story so far. I thought the sentences were alright, but then I read obsessively and do very good at comprehension. I would think instead of breaking some of the more complex sentences down just add more simple sentence before and after the particularly lengthy ones.

And the time frame is a bit jumbled but it makes sense because you explain things as they come up instead of in chronological (wow, spelled that right without spell check!) order which isn't bad.

As for ideas to continue, maybe Br Stefan is a closet sado-masochist and has the boy sodomize him? In any case I definitely get the feeling that Fr Ignacio was just a introductory character or maybe the antagonist (not necessarily the villain just the anti-protagonist, protagonist is Br Stefan maybe?)

Regardless of how you go about it I can't wait to read the finished product.

Sana