Wanting some feedback

[Alex Bragi]

G'day mate,

Okay, now I'm going to be as blunt as you. Are you looking for feedback, or are you perhaps just wanting a little ego stroking here ?
I'm going to play it safe and give you a little of both.

Your story is very good so far, I've just finished reading the first two chapters, and your high score reflects that. Its rough and gutsy like it should be. But, and I'm sorry there are a couple of 'buts'. Its rather one dimensional. What the hell does that mean I hear you say. I mean it reads too much like the reader is standing in the shadows watching, and while there is nothing wrong with that, it could be so much more interesting to get deeper inside your characters heads. That's the great thing about writing in the third person, so use it to your fullest advantage.

e.g. 'Julies'(sic) eyes widened at the sudden anger in the woman's voice, and wondered why she was so nasty.'

Eyes widening at the sudden anger - an excellent description. Wondering why she was so nasty - passive and flat.

On the nit picky side, you do need to proof read more carefully. Oh boy, don't I just feel like the midget calling the munchkin short for saying that! The grammar and spelling are spot on, however a number of your sentences read awkwardly.

e.g. 'A week later, Kate stood in the doctor's room nervously in her hospital gown...'

Should perhaps read - A week later, Kate stood nervously in the doctor's room in her hospital gown

You can do a lot of things in a hospital gown, but 'nervously' is not one of them.

Try not to use adverbs if you can. I realise its impossible to avoid them completely, and they do have there place. I noticed you're quite fond of them and really they are 'weak' words. e.g. Think of all the other ways of saying 'nervously', the things that indicate nervousness. Use them, and you will create a much stronger picture in your readers' heads.

Now did I mention its a hot little story so far? Oh yes, so I did, but I know you won't mind me saying it again.

How big will you, or can you, take it? I can't wait to find out.

Please bear in mind I am not an expert, however, these are my thoughts. Not that I'll listen to me, since this is your story and you'll write whatever the hell you want.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex.