Liam Naisson's 1st Level 1 Assignment

[Clevernick]

Hi Liam -- I thought I'd throw in some of my observations since Pejanon hasn't got here yet. This is Simon from bdsmbooks dot com.

My first thought was "write it from the perspective of the mosquito". I always get these crazy ideas, please forgive me for that

I love this idea.

Anyways, I wrote it from a "he" perspective, actively leaving out names and too many descriptions. I quite like the piece, which is a rare for anything I write, I usually hate it by the time I am done. Of course there will be lots to criticize about, so bring it on, direct and open, the more the better. I am here to learn to become a better writer

More power to you!

First some general stuff.

1. Kurt Vonnegut's rules of writing seem to be written specially for you! Check them out here http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9251

In particular, this story started a bit too early (Rule 5) -- I think it could easily have begun with "My submissive hates the whip I have now" followed by a shortened description of what's wrong with it. While you are at it, you could make some of the description of the lousy whip come from quoting the sub herself, allowing her to reveal her character (Rule 4) and waste less of the reader's time (Rule 1).

2. Proofread your work yourself a couple of times. There are errors here that I think you would catch, with or without a checker. Examples:

She tried hard not to look at the nasty single tail whip. I knew these would hurt like hell and I was not confident enough to be able to wield it.

Is it one whip, or many? Just one? Then you mean "I knew this would hurt...". Especially since you continue in the same sentence referring to it as "it".

3. On a different level, the second part of the above paragraph is subtly wrong. You've joined "I knew these would hurt like hell" (sub's fear) with "I was not confident enough to be able to wield it" (Dom's fear). But the paragraph was about the sub's fear. So adding in a short note about the Dom's fear is an aside, not a continuation, of that idea. You need to mark it as an aside, or the reader gets confused, or thinks you're confused.

For example you could write:

She tried hard not to look at the nasty single-tailed whip, and I knew why; I knew this one would hurt like hell. Besides, I wasn't confident I could wield it.

I have been trying to think of a general rule you can use for this, and all I can think of is, when switching viewpoints within a paragraph, decide who the paragraph is about and stick to it. Other viewpoints should be marked as agreeing or disagreeing, supporting or opposing or to one side.

[edited to add:] Strunk and white, bless their hearts, have a rule for this! http://www.bartleby.com/141/strunk5.html see number 10. It's perfect.


4. And an English note: In general, if you find yourself using an awkward construction like "to be able to", it's pretty much always best to reword and shorten. [Strunk & White Rule 13: http://www.bartleby.com/141/strunk5.html ) And in first person narration, contractions like "wasn't" sound smoother than long forms like "was not".

5. Lastly, about the story: you left a nice setup hanging unresolved. As Vonnegut says, (Rule 3) everyone should want something. The shop owner wants
a) to not have a mess in his back room, and maybe also
b) to watch your sub getting whipped.

So why isn't he watching? Furthermore, why is the sub allowed to come without a caution about making a mess, and without being forced to clean up after herself?

The setup for all these very nice bits is there, you just didn't take advantage of them. By the "Chekhov's gun" rule ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chekhov%27s_gun ) the setup (don't make a mess) should be used, or deleted.

Now what does the Dom want in this story, and what does the sub want? Answer these in the story and it gets more interesting too...

I hope these tips help! I think it's a good little story and could benefit from some of this type of editing...