Level Three-tessa's 3rd Assignment

[ThisYouWillDo]

That's a great description of the poor girl's predicament and the guy's enjoyment of it. High marks for that, I'm sure.

I hope you don't mind me picking on this assignment to try out my critical skills for the first time, but Ruby wants me to participate here, and then you posted ...

But if you think it's drivel, ignore it.

The ending came as a surprise, as you intended, and, for me it works well. But not perfectly well. I do think you can improve on it. I have rewritten this paragraph several times. I can't explain why I am not quite happy about it, but somehow, even after we realise that it was Jake's female slave giving the blonde a throat-fuck, I didn't think back and slap my forehead, saying, "Of course!"

I'm curious about the cause of the slave's punishment, but I suppose I must live with that. Was the blonde bitch being punished for something too, or had she simply been made available?

Finally, the injustice of the slave's second punishment: I think more could be made of that, even if only in the slave's acceptance of it.



A few more comments - apologies, the first's a niggle - but here goes:

though a great deal of fun to visually feast upon

I'm a member of the Split Infinitive Police, and you're nicked!

That girl was tied down and tied up, all of it tight and right.

Not a niggle: I liked it. I also liked the phrase perfectly out of place.

The individual doing the deed

I felt this was a bit awkward, and drew attention to the fact that you hadn't called the individual a man. Especially as the earlier reference was to a person. Too neutral ... suspicious. What about something like Her ravager ... ? You're still thinking "man" in that case. I also think you could have put this in earlier, because we know she's getting the mother of all face-fucks at this point.

The war for air

Another little gem!

... along with some frustration.

This almost slips past unnoticed, but it needs to be seen. I would have put a full stop after "return to him" and made it a stand-alone phrase.

He motioned for the waiter to bring his tab. As he waited, his beautiful slut walked towards him, her strap-on cock still glistening from the leavings of the blonde’s mouth. When she stopped beside him, Jake stroked her cheek as she gazed adoringly up at him.

Is Jake tall, or is she short? Or did she kneel?


Finally, I did enjoy the story as you wrote it very much. Forgive me if my comments are out-of-turn or excessive in any way. They're intended to be constructive for you and educational for me. However, if a corrective is needed, I'm sure Ruby'll provide it.

TYWD

[tessa]

Your comments are in no way out of turn, ThisYouWillDo, and I appreciate them greatly! Wow. Very constructive and helpful! These comments help me think my story to a better place. I am indeed grateful.

"Her ravager..." Thank you for that! If you knew how long I sat and stared at that 'puter screen trying to think of another word besides "individual", you'd laugh at me. Well, I guess you do know now, so laugh away. This will help me lots, so my thanks again for being such a grand thesaurus on this one.

The ending- guilty as charged. I could have taken more time to work that out, but didn't. Impatience and eagerness win out over thoughtful consideration again. ~sighs~ Re-working the ending, well, this I will do. ~smiles at my slightly punny cleverness~

And about points of view, Ms. Ruby instructions stated that I was to take the Dom's or sub's perspective. I chose the Dom. He seemed to be having the most fun at the moment. I'm toying with the idea of writing this same stroy from his slave's perspective. Perhaps when time allows...

Seriously, I do appreciate your time on this. I know what it takes and it means so much to me that you did this.

tessa

[Ruby]

Tessa,

This is a gem of a story. You linger so much on the fine detail, his perspective, I'm right there with him.

You have two surprises for the reader.
One that a girl is ravaging the victim
and two that the girl belongs to the male lead.

Interesting, ambitious and delightful!

I felt a bit cheated at the end. Too much was hinted at, but not solved. What on Earth was that man rambling about?

Why was that girl being punished and didn't anyone care that she's passed out? What type of place was this?

And so on.

Here's a few more suggestions:

Price of Admission (Partial Story)

Obviously, the person raping that cute blonde’s throat thought she was capable of more.

How about?

Obviously, the rapist of that cute blonde’s throat thought she was capable of more.

Jake just shrugged his big shoulders, and with a slight smile, took another long drink of his beer, all while keeping his eyes on the blonde kneeling on the floor- the one getting the hell fucked out of her mouth.

That's a BIG sentence! I like it. the - can be a comma.

He’d been waiting three months for this to happen and he wasn’t about to miss one part of it.

Actually, the blonde was on an elevated platform, and at the perfect level for taking complete advantage of a warm, wet mouth.

Whoa! The transition here is missing or these sentences are out of place. You can tell the reader what happened, why he was waiting, or you can use the "actually, sentence lower in the paragraph, and start out with his action of studying the scene.

Jake took a second or two to study her positioning. She was tied in a way that allowed access to every orifice, should anyone take the notion. But at the moment, only one had a notion.

Start new paragraph here.

A stray thought ambled across his mind about the availability of her ass, ...

Her mouth was being kept nicely open by the ring gag. Even if she wanted to close it, and Jake was sure she probably did, she wouldn’t be able to do so.

Jake gave a silent toast to the inventor of that particular gag before taking another drink from his long neck.

[COLOR="deepskyblue"]His long neck what? Jake has a long neck? In his perspective he's thinking about it?COLOR]

Speaking of necks, ... And Ruby gets very, very sidetracked reading, nodding her head and thinking, "Whew! This is hot!"...

“Fucking bitch,” he muttered. “Could’ve made it last ‘til I shot my load.”

Okay, I figured he meant the one who passed out.

He motioned for the waiter to bring his tab. As he waited, his beautiful slut walked towards him, her strap-on cock still glistening from the leavings of the blonde’s mouth. When she stopped beside him, Jake stroked her cheek as she gazed adoringly at him.

And now it's blah, blah, blah. What is he talking about? How did she mentally recoil - what did she do before she blushed? What is too easy for him? Really, the story could have ended here with a few words, but instead, we are drawn deeper into this character, but not given enough information. It's here that I feel cheated. If he'd just said something like, "well done, or good job" and hinted at her reward, I would have been fine. Instead, she's going to be punished and I want to know more.

...

“However, I would have been much better served had the bitch lasted a few moments longer. This infraction will most decidedly make the list.” The calculated look he gave his slave left no doubt that some form of harsh punishment would again be hers in the near future.

POV nit alert: "calculated look" is like shrugging his "big shoulders". Is that from his POV? Not as written. It's tricky, cause it's really more from an OMNI POV, unless it's something like, He hoped the calcalated look he gave his slave would leave no doubt...

Jake pointed towards the overly large strap-on his slave wore. “Take that thing off now. You won’t be needing it anymore tonight.” His evil smile had her staring at him a moment longer than allowable, lost in the wonder of what he was thinking. Jake didn’t prolong her misery.

“However, since your next punishment will be more immediate, you best go retrieve the ring gag. You will be needing that later.”

WHAT? The ring gag is his? Now really, what's up?
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(C) 2007 tessa All rights reserved

And about points of view, Ms. Ruby instructions stated that I was to take the Dom's or sub's perspective. I chose the Dom. He seemed to be having the most fun at the moment. I'm toying with the idea of writing this same stroy from his slave's perspective. Perhaps when time allows...

Writing from either the slave's or the blond's perspective is your next assignment, after you refresh and are through with this story!

Looking forward to the next version.

Keep up the great work,

Ruby

[tessa]

Thanks for the input, Mr. Mad (and Lews). I took furious notes and will be reviewing them as soon as time allows. Then when more time allows, I will apply your useful criticisms where noted.

Ms. Ruby, I will be re-working the details and making improvements to my story. Thank you so much for the suggestions and ideas you've given me here to help my writer's cause. ~hugs~

tessa

ps. He wasn't muttering to the passed out victim, not in my version at least. Interesting that you both thought he was. I'll work to clarify that as well.

[Mad Lews]

tessa,

Not sure how Ms Ruby will take it but I liked it. TYWD pointed out quite a few verbal gems and you do seem to be developing a way with words.
"The individual doing the deed," was indeed giving it away a bit and any number of descriptive alternatives are available.

Now to the plot twist. Your readers are going to have one of two reactions, (maybe both) either "Wow that was clever!", or ""The bitch is trying to make a fool of me!" you probably are aiming for the first and not so much for the second.
You've handled transitions well throughout the story so maybe you want to be extra clever on the final important one.

Only when the cock slid completely out of the girl’s slack-jawed mouth did some of his awareness return to him, along with some frustration.

“Fucking bitch,” he muttered. “Could’ve made it last ‘til I shot my load.” Ok at this point your reader knows he's mumbling to the passed out victim, but is he really?

He motioned for the waiter to bring his tab. As he waited, his beautiful slut walked towards him,Before you put that swinging plastic dick on his sub why don't you throw another quote in, this time leaving no doubt he's addressing his sub. Have him berate her for not making the show last long enough for him to get off.
Now your reader is a bit confused still thinking his sub was the victim but bits of the scene are not adding up. It's sort of a subtle warning before the plot twist

Still need to do the transition, place that dildo on his girl,not in her, but do it with a clever turn of phrase that leaves the reader saying"Of course" instead of "What the fuck?"
her strap-on cock still glistening from the leavings of the blonde’s mouth. When she stopped beside him, Jake stroked her cheek as she gazed adoringly up at him.