Ladychipmunks third 2nd level assignment

[ladychipmunk]

The Test

“Here is the dossier for the last girl we are scheduled to collect this season.” Steve says and tosses the thick manila folder on the mahogany and leather conference table. Seated around the table are the three Masters that run the Company. “I’ve been watching her for the last 2 years and she seems to be ready. I propose that we put her to the final test.”

While the Masters pass the manila folder between each other and peruse the contents, Steve looks around the well appointed room. Kneeling besides each master’s chair is a beautiful, naked woman, each with their eyes appropriately down cast. Steve looks at the little redhead with pride. He personally trained her three years ago. She was his last trainee before he began his surveillance of the girl he hoped would be his next “student”. It took him only 8 months to train her well enough that one of the masters himself purchased her at the annual auctions.

The masters stood. The one in the middle pushed the manila folder to the center of the table. “We concur. Make the arrangements. Report back to us with the results.” The three men filed out, the women trailing at their heels, eyes downcast and their hands resting behind their backs in an “at ease” position.

“Little Red Corvette…..” She sings as her feet slap the shoulder of the deserted back road. Despite the cold dreary rain falling from the sky Lisa is taking her daily 5 mile run to stay in shape for the cross Country track team. It has been a miserable week with midterms and cold wet weather getting in the way of her running schedule. Lisa is thrilled to have the tests behind her and is looking forward to being Captain of the cross country team in this her senior year. She is not paying any attention to the sound of a van slowing down behind her. Suddenly she is yanked into a vehicle; a sack is pulled over her head and the van speeds away.

“Let me go!” Lisa screams through the sack. “What do you want with me?”

“Shut up.” a voice growls in her ear belonging to the arms pinning her limbs to he sides. “Be quiet and we won’t have to hurt you.” The car stops suddenly and the man with the gravelly voice puts his forearm across her windpipe. “Be quiet and walk quietly with me and I won’t have to strangle you.”

Lisa ceases to struggle. Living is the better part of valor she decides. The man drags her into a building. The sack is removed from her head. Lisa looks around her. There are four captors and they are all wearing ski masks. “You may scream all you want. There is no one for miles around to hear you.” says one of the masked men as he approaches her.

She tries to run nut is caught by a different man. They play with her a s a cat plays with a mouse; toying with her as she struggles and screams until she collapses with exhaustion.

“No that you have that out of your system. You can listen to what you have to do to get out of here.” one of the gravelly voices utters to her left.

Another voice picks up the narrative. “You will strip; one piece of clothing at a time. As you remove your clothing you will carefully fold and neatly stack each piece on the table over there.” He gestures to a dusty old bar table. “Then, you will get on your knees and suck each of us off.”

Lisa having realizing that the only way she would get out of here is to cooperate. Slowly begins to unzip her wind breaker. Neatly folding it as commanded, she gets down to her bra and panties and begins to hesitate.

“Those too.” One of the voices grinds out. “You are to be completely naked.”

Slowly Lisa sinks to her knees; tears of shame and humiliation sliding down her face as she stifles sobs deep in her chest, causing her ample breasts to heave and bounce. She takes each of them deep into her mouth, gagging as they each shoot their wad down her throat.

“Now go stand on the bar, facing away from us. Bend over and insert your finger into your slit. Smile pretty for the camera.” A flash goes off.

The men with their tools hanging out all approach her. Suddenly arms are imprisoning her again. The sack is replaced on her head. She feels the draft and the cold rain on her bare skin as she is drug nude out of the building into the van. Sobbing quietly the entire ride she has no idea what is to happen to her now.
“You will tell no one what happened here today. If you do those pictures of you will suddenly appear all over the place and you will be revealed for the little slut you are. Understand.” She nods. “Good. We are going to let you out soon. Count to 300 before you begin to remove the sack.”

The van stops moving. She is shoved out of the vehicle naked as the day she was born. Landing on top of her is the pile of her clothes.

“One, two, three...” she counts sobbing in the bushes as the van races away from her.

Steve, up in a tree stand watches to see when she will remove the sack, dress and return home.

[Aussiegirl1]

Thanks Ladychipmunk,

I really like the overall idea for the story, though I feel it would be much better in a different tense. For example instead of "It has been a miserable week with midterms and cold wet weather getting in the way of her running schedule. Lisa is thrilled to have the tests behind her and is looking forward to being Captain of the cross country team in this her senior year", try

"It had been a miserable week with midterms and cold wet weather getting in the way of her running schedule. Thrilled to have the tests behind her, Lisa was looking forward to being Captain of the cross country team in this her senior year."

I am not going to change the tense in the story, but I hope you can see how it would add to the flow of the story. Apart from the tense, the only other changes really lie in sentence formations.

After you had read the suggested changes below, I would like you to take a few paragraphs and try re-writing them using the different tense I suggested above. It should only involve changing a few words per paragraph, but please let me know if you are not sure what needs to be changed.




The Test

“Here is the dossier for the last girl we are scheduled to collect this season.” Steve says and tosses the thick manila folder on the mahogany and leather conference table. Seated around the table are the three Masters that run the Company. “I’ve been watching her for the last 2 years and she seems to be ready. I propose that we put her to the final test.”

While the Masters pass the manila folder between each other and peruse the contents, Steve looks around the well appointed room. Kneeling besides each master’s chair is a beautiful, naked woman, each with their eyes appropriately down cast. Steve looks at the little redhead with pride. He personally trained her three years ago. She was his last trainee before he began his surveillance of the girl he hoped would be his next “student”. It took him only 8 months to train her well enough that one of the masters himself purchased her at the annual auctions.

The masters stood. The one in the middle pushed the manila folder to the center of the table. “We concur. Make the arrangements. Report back to us with the results.” The three men filed out, the women trailing at their heels, eyes downcast and their hands resting behind their backs in an “at ease” position.

“Little Red Corvette…..” She sings as her feet slap the shoulder of the deserted back road. Despite the cold dreary rain falling from the sky Lisa is taking her daily 5 mile run to stay in shape for the cross Country track team. I don't think this sentence works as well as it should- maybe try something like " Lisa hadn't let the cold, dreary rain deter her from doing her daily 5 mile run in order to stay in shape for the Cross Country team. It has been a miserable week with midterms and cold wet weather getting in the way of her running schedule. Lisa is thrilled to have the tests behind her and is looking forward to being Captain of the cross country team in this her senior year. She is not paying any attention to the sound of a van slowing down behind her. Suddenly she is yanked into a vehicle; a sack is pulled over her head and the van speeds away.

“Let me go!” Lisa screams through the sack. “What do you want with me?”

“Shut up.” a voice growls in her ear belonging to the arms pinning her limbs to he sides. This would be better as just, " a voice growls in her ear, as her limbs are pinned to her side. “Be quiet and we won’t have to hurt you.” The car stops suddenly and the man with the gravelly voice puts his forearm across her windpipe. “Be quiet and walk quietly with me and I won’t have to strangle you.”

Lisa ceases to struggle. Living is the better part of valor she decides. The man drags her into a building. The sack is removed from her head. Lisa looks around her. There are four captors and they are all wearing ski masks. Lisa looks around her and sees four captors, all wearing ski masks.“You may scream all you want. There is no one for miles around to hear you.” says one of the masked men as he approaches her.

She tries to run nut butis caught by a different man. They play with her as a cat plays with a mouse; toying with her as she struggles and screams until she collapses with exhaustion.

“No Nowthat you have that out of your system. You can listen to what you have to do to get out of here.".” that you have that out of your system, you can listen to what you have to do to get out of here."one of the gravelly voices utters to her left.

Another voice picks up the narrative. “You will strip; one piece of clothing at a time. As you remove your clothing you will carefully fold and neatly stack each piece on the table over there.” He gestures to a dusty old bar table. “Then, you will get on your knees and suck each of us off.”

Lisa having realizing that the only way she would get out of here is to cooperate. Slowly begins to unzip her wind breaker. This would work better as one sentence -Lisa, realizing that the only way she would get out of here is to cooperate, slowly begins to unzip her wind breaker. Neatly folding it as commanded, she gets down to her bra and panties and begins to hesitate.

“Those too.” One of the voices grinds out. “You are to be completely naked.”

Slowly Lisa sinks to her knees; tears of shame and humiliation sliding down her face as she stifles sobs deep in her chest, causing her ample breasts to heave and bounce.Slowly Lisa sinks to her knees; tears of shame and humiliation sliding down her face. As she stifles sobs deep in her chest, her ample breasts heave and bounce. She takes each of them deep into her mouth, gagging as they each shoot their wad down her throat.

“Now go stand on the bar, facing away from us. Bend over and insert your finger into your slit. Smile pretty for the camera.” A flash goes off.

The men with their tools hanging out all approach her. Suddenly arms are imprisoning her again. The sack is replaced on her head. Suddenly arms are imprisoning her again and the sack is replaced on her headShe feels the draft and the cold rain on her bare skin as she is drug dragged nude out of the building into the van. Sobbing quietly the entire ride she has no idea what is to happen to her now.

“You will tell no one what happened here today. If you do those pictures of you will suddenly appear all over the place and you will be revealed for the little slut you are. Understand.” She nods. “Good. We are going to let you out soon. Count to 300 before you begin to remove the sack.”

The van stops moving. She is shoved out of the vehicle naked as the day she was born. Landing on top of her is the pile of her clothes.

“One, two, three...” she counts sobbing in the bushes as the van races away from her.

Steve, up in a tree stand watches to see when she will remove the sack, dress and return home. Steve, up in a tree, watches to see when she will remove the sack, dress and return home.[/ I would like to see a stronger ending, maybe telling how Steve feels seeing her naked and crying.

[ladychipmunk]

Aussie girl,

I went ahead and changed the tense throughout. You were right it definately reads better with the "Lisa" story in past tense. I also modified the ending a bit as you suggested.

The Test

“Here is the dossier for the last girl we are scheduled to collect this season.” Steve says and tosses the thick manila folder on the mahogany and leather conference table. Seated around the table are the three Masters that run the Company. “I’ve been watching her for the last 2 years and she seems to be ready. I propose that we put her to the final test.”

While the Masters pass the manila folder between each other and peruse the contents, Steve looks around the well appointed room. Kneeling besides each master’s chair is a beautiful, naked woman, each with their eyes appropriately down cast. Steve looks at the little redhead with pride. He personally trained her three years ago. She was his last trainee before he began his surveillance of the girl he hoped would be his next “student”. It took him only 8 months to train her well enough that one of the masters himself purchased her at the annual auctions.

The masters stood. The one in the middle pushed the manila folder to the center of the table. “We concur. Make the arrangements. Report back to us with the results.” The three men filed out, the women trailing at their heels, eyes downcast and their hands resting behind their backs in an “at ease” position.

“Little Red Corvette…..” She sang as her feet slapped the shoulder of the deserted back road. Lisa hadn't let the cold, dreary rain deter her from doing her daily 5 mile run in order to stay in shape for the Cross Country team. It had been a miserable week with midterms and cold wet weather getting in the way of her running schedule. Lisa was thrilled to have the tests behind her and looked forward to being Captain of the cross country team in this her senior year. She was not paying any attention as a van slowed down behind her. Suddenly she was yanked into a vehicle; a sack was pulled over her head and the van sped away.

“Let me go!” Lisa screamed through the sack. “What do you want with me?”

“Shut up.” a voice growled in her ear as her limbs were pinned to her sides. “Be quiet and we won’t have to hurt you.” The car stopped suddenly and the man with the gravelly voice put his forearm across her windpipe. “Be quiet and walk quietly with me and I won’t have to strangle you.”

Lisa ceased to struggle. Living is the better part of valor she decided. The man dragged her into a building. The sack was removed from her head. Lisa looked around her and saw four captors, all wearing ski masks. “You may scream all you want. There is no one for miles around to hear you.” said one of the masked men as he approaches her.

She tried to run but was caught by a different man. They played with her as a cat plays with a mouse; toying with her as she struggled and screamed until she collapsed with exhaustion.

“Now that you have that out of your system, you can listen to what you have to do to get out of here.".one of the gravelly voices uttered to her left.

Another voice picked up the narrative. “You will strip; one piece of clothing at a time. As you remove your clothing you will carefully fold and neatly stack each piece on the table over there.” He gestured to a dusty old bar table. “Then, you will get on your knees and suck each of us off.”

Lisa, realized that the only way she would get out of there was to cooperate, so slowly began to unzip her wind breaker. Neatly folding it as commanded, she got down to her bra and panties and began to hesitate.
“Those too.” One of the voices ground out. “You are to be completely naked.”

Slowly Lisa sank to her knees; tears of shame and humiliation slide down her face. She stifled sobs deep in her chest; her ample breasts heaved and bounced. She took each of them deep into her mouth, gagging as they each shot their wad down her throat.
“Now go stand on the bar, facing away from us. Bend over and insert your finger into your slit. Smile pretty for the camera.” A flash goes off.

The men with their tools hanging out all approached her. Suddenly arms imprisoned her again and the sack was replaced on her head. She felt the draft and the cold rain on her bare skin as she was dragged nude out of the building into the van. Sobbing quietly the entire ride she had no idea what was to happen to her now.

“You will tell no one what happened here today. If you do, those pictures of you will suddenly appear all over the place and you will be revealed for the little slut you are. Understand.” She nodded. “Good. We are going to let you out soon. Count to 300 before you begin to remove the sack.”

The van stopped moving. She was shoved out of the vehicle naked as the day she was born. Her neatly folded pile of clothing landed on top of her.

“One, two, three...” she counted sobbing in the bushes as the van raced away from her.

Steve, up in a tree stand watched to see how long it would take her to remove the sack. This was the final test to see if she had the potential to become an obedient slave.

Steve regretted that he could not have participated in the little scene they had stage. She looked quite delectable sitting concealed in the bushes with the rain shimmering on her very attractive body. As Lisa approached the number 300, Steve began to look forward to the day he could indulge in all of her charms as he trained her to be a perfect slave. If he did his job right perhaps he to could be found worthy by the company and be granted the status of Master.

[Aussiegirl1]

Thanks for the changes, they do add to the flow of the story.

I liked the new ending too, it was far more personal and told me more about Steve too. There were a few slight mistakes though

Steve regretted that he could not have participated in the little scene they had stage.staged She looked quite delectable sitting concealed in the bushes with the rain shimmering on her very attractive body. As Lisa approached the number 300, did you number 300 as in a house number?Steve began to look forward to the day he could indulge in all of her charms as he trained her to be a perfect slave. If he did his job right perhaps he to too could be found worthy by the company and be granted the status of Master.

Thanks for your great work in Level two. I am kicking you upstairs where the real work will begin, but I am sure you can handle it.

[ladychipmunk]

Many Thanks