Where do I go from here?

[~Lily~]

Hello everyone, I would really appreciate any help you can give me on this one.

Firstly a little background about myself. I've always considered myself to be submissive, I love having control taken away from me and that feeling of being used but loved at the same time. Then a while ago I met someone who considered himself to be a switch, he couldn't cope with being dominant all the time and needed to occassionally be dominated and after several discussions it really opened up a whole new side to me, I found that I liked being dominant too, not all the time, but now and then it was a total turn on, something out of character.

That relationship didn't work out for a whole variety of reasons but during a discussion with a very good friend, and fellow sub we decided to explore this side of me together.

We spent several weeks exploring online, but the whole idea was when he came to visit we would take it up a step, it seemed a great idea, we are close and can talk about anything and he is probably the only friend I have who knows, and understands, this side to me.

So sure enough he came to visit, and then everything went wrong, there was some family emergencies that took precedence and then when that was all sorted I tried to take the initiative. I must admit I was hopeless, online it was fine but when it was up close and personal I froze up a little, well a lot. We finally did a few things together but after that it all went horribly wrong again.

In previous D/s relationships I have always waited for my partner to make the first move and I felt incredibly uncomfortable being in charge, once into it it was great, but afterwards I felt very empty and upset, and for the first time ever unable to articulate how I felt to my friend, so for the final 3 days of out stay together we barely spoke, didn't do anything, didn't touch each other, and acted as though nothing had happened at all.

Noe I am feeling totally confused, I enjoyed what we did together and would like to do more but I'm not a natural dominant personality and it feels as though I am trying to force the issue. I also don't know how to broach this subject with my pet but I no longer feel totally submissive either.

Where do I go from here?

[Mistress Florence]

Well you don't exactly have to go anywhere, if you're feeling confused it might be good to sort your thoughts and feelings out.
If you don't feel right being dominant then don't be, if you're not a natural then don't force it unless you feel you need it.. even then I'd stop and think.
It could be as difficult and tiresome as a person of one sexual orientation trying out another because of pressure and it not feeling right.
It must have been a big step up in a way from being a sub to be faced with having a sub. You just can't assume a forced personality very easily. I for one love it, I adore the feeling of power and I took very quickly to the whole thing. If you're happy with it online but not in real life then it doesn't have to be put in the real world. Maybe explore your feelings with a bit of bdsm literature or some pictures, I don't know..
You'll work something out and I wish you the best of luck!!!
Sorry if this isn't helpful.. I'm feeling tired.

[~Lily~]

Thank you for taking time to answer Mistress Florence. I think my main problem is I love being dominant, but it's the getting started I struggle with, I'm not used to it and it just feels so unnatural at present, I'm hoping with time it will improve, but can I really go against my usual self to get there?

[Walace]

See, Lily. It seems you're missing something. Maybe it's just the habit of sorting things into rules and roles that's confusing you. I'm a Switch, but not because I'm one day dominant and submisive the other. Being a Switch to me is just being "free" from the conventional rules. It's just having control over my own needs and desires. If in the middle of a session I feel like being submissive, then I naturally and gradually "Switch" to the other role. Sure thing is that your partner will have to be a understanding and patient one, so that he won't lose all the fun. Many times I used to do it without even noticing what has hapened. Mostly I had my (ex)girlfriend wearing an outfit that would fit in both roles, so that the play didn't lost it's flavor.

Anyways, If that's not your case, then you must be, like Mistress Florence indirectly sugested, in a lack of imagination. It takes more imagination and understanding of the other to be a Dom than most think. If you're willing to have some atention over you in the middle of the scene, then you must imagine a way to do that and still stay on your heels (sorry, this is an expression we use here in brazil). Or keeping your role and posture. As long as your imagination doesn't fail you, it will be allright. If it do, then take your time, put him over your lap and do something more simple until you can sort things out.

Hope to have helped.

[Ruby]

Thank you for taking time to answer Mistress Florence. I think my main problem is I love being dominant, but it's the getting started I struggle with, I'm not used to it and it just feels so unnatural at present, I'm hoping with time it will improve, but can I really go against my usual self to get there?

Hi ~Lily~,

If you love being dominant, it will get easier over time.

I hope you've had some time to talk with your friend and explain what happened. He may have some insight into the situation that can help.

While I'm Miss to my Nat, I'm not a domme all the time, not even with him. We tend to go with what we feel like. However, if I want to play Miss Ruby, then we've worked out a little routine of sorts to help us get into our roles.

I might ask him if he wants to play.
If he says yes, then I'll tell him to do something that puts him in the submissive role.
It may be for him to offer himself to me or whatever I desire.
From this moment on, I'm in charge of our playtime.

Notice I say playtime. We're not in a 24/7 D/s relationship with strict rules. It's about having fun and enjoying each other as we choose.

If your sub needs you to be in charge during the whole session, they you may want to think about in advance what you'd like to do.

There are some great books on topping and female domming in the market. A number of web sites that can help, as well.

I like this bit from Akasha's
The Good Girl's Guide to Female Domination
http://www.akashaweb.com/women/goodgirlpreview.html

It's enough rules to get you started, give you something to think about and even reading it should help you determine if domming is something you'll want to continue to do.

To your success,

Ruby

[~Lily~]

Thank you all for your replies, I have had a small chat with Puppy, and we have decided to call it quits However, I shall still continue to explore this side to me and hopefully in future there wont be the problems there was this time.

It's all certainly given me something to think about, as have all your answers.

[lily's puppy]

i'll remember with fondness

[newdom5]

Thank you for taking time to answer Mistress Florence. I think my main problem is I love being dominant, but it's the getting started I struggle with, I'm not used to it and it just feels so unnatural at present, I'm hoping with time it will improve, but can I really go against my usual self to get there?

I heard about this trick with test anxiety that might help you get past that hurdle. Try imagining that you have ALREADY begun the session and that things have been going well for about ten minutes or until you feel "in the role". Once you achieve the right frame of mind things should progress rather naturally from there. And take you time when you start. Study your slave for a while and just explore their body with your mind. This should distract you and help alieviate(sp?) any doubt.