I often think if I'd not meet my first BF and been raped by him would I ever have gotten into this lifestyle? The answer I will never know, becuase it happened and here I am.

I left for a time becuase I got the courage to do so, but I came back becuase for me it was the only lifestyle sexualy speaking that I new about and was in most regards comfortable with.

I meet a person, who I though I could trust will all my heart, but that trust was broken many times (I'd found myself in yet another abusive relationship).

I will say that knowing that you have it within you to find a relationship which is abusive is a good step towards learning to take steps to keep yourself safe. Knowing your past and getting help in regards to it does help (though finding a kink friendly therapst can take time as I found out - took me 6 years before I found someone to talk to).

Stay strong and you will find that the lifestyle can heal you when you find that person who is right for you (at least that I what I believe).

Take care