To push or back off????

[ModestRose]

Hi all,
I have a complicated situation and Im having a hard time finding the right road to take. Some info.....With my husbands request and my enthusiastic agreement we have decided for him to be my slave. He has been resistant in some things, and I have discusses things with him to make sure he really wants this, and he says yes, that sometimes he's tired or doesn't want to do something and I need to force him or enforce the situation. Which I can understand.
Now here's where my confusion is coming in. It seems like 3 or 4 days of the week is nothing but complete resistance. Ive talked to him about this once again. Most of the time he says YES I want to do this and other times its yes I want to but Im not sure if I can completely let go of my control. On the days when he is willing without resistance I can tell he's loving it. Big smiles, great attitude, overall happy.
Im not sure if I should stop the 24/7 thing and just do it on an occasional role-play. Or if he's quietly looking to be pushed/forced. Any thoughts would be a great help to me.
Thanks all

[oneslave4me]

That's all I can tell you. It can't be his choice, even though we both know he really wants it deep down. Of course, if you've read my previous post, you can tell he has a lot of issues and is hugely conflicted about being dominated.

It DOES get confusing.

good luck,

[Ruby]

My advice: Be consistent.

It's not about pushing or backing off, it's about being clear in what you want and expect from him.

He may be testing your commitment as well as his own. The more consistent you are, the easier and less confusing it will be for him (and you).

To a long and successful healthy relationship with your man,

Ruby

[kist]

I can only speak for myself but pushing is something i did a lot of ~especially in the beginning. I needed to know my boundaries _and_ have them enforced. I needed to know He was stronger than me.
Sometimes i still push. Especially when i cannot identify my feelings. Just the other day after a spanking ( i need spankings as they keep me centered somehow)..anyhow He asking me to tell Him how i felt and i couldnt. Instead i reached out and pinched His nipple hard. Of course, then i got the belt. And that is just what i needed - to break down and cry and _feel_.
But thats me. I've looked after everyone else all my life, this is the first relationship where i've been able to be safe.
Hope that makes sense
kist

[Adamoverjules]

I would have to agree with Ruby on this one, you can't let him off one day and be super strict the next....whatever you do Monday, do on Tuesday and so on...
While I don't exactly know what it takes to submit to someone, I do understand that it's something, as one special girl put it to me, she wanted to 'give it and not get it back...ever.'
Good luck

[His_little one]

Being submissive is completely about being able to trust someone THAT much - if that someone is inconsistent and unpredictable how can we trust them with our submission. Subs want to feel safe and looked after; we need to know that even though we aren't in control of the situation the situation IS under control. I love knowing that I can 99.9% of the time predict his reaction - if I’m testing the boundaries chances are I’m not testing them because I am oblivious to where they are but because I am testing his consistency. In my eyes being consistent and predictable (In your reaction to situations, not necessarily in what’s to come I scenes) is the only way to earn a subs total trust and submission. Submission is NOT an easy thing to give up, and yes, sometimes it needs to be coaxed out of us, but as a Dominant you need to be consistent and patient - so that when your sub is ready to give it up completely, they can -- and will, and if its as perfect as it is for me, they'll never want it back.

[ModestRose]

I appreciate everyone's input the past couple days. Ive been thinking. He wants to try being my slave, but I think he's holding onto that "quick release button" too much. It seems the days when he's not in the mood are the days he's saying he wants to do it but he doesnt want to do it...no matter how consistant I am being. As long as he's holding onto the quick release he has no real reason to really get serious about it all. So, I was considering making a deal with him for now....21 days with all my rules, and sticking to them with no changing his mind every other day no matter what. And then on the 22nd day he can make his final decision and stick with that decision. I believe it would take away the quick release button and get him into actually trying it with his full mind and body. What does everyone think? :cuckoo:

[Ruby]

ModestRose,

The 24/7 thing is what's hardest to swallow. I've been the submissive in the relationship with my hubby in the bedroom for a very long time. Yet I have no desire to be a 24/7 sub.

Even my pet and I are friends first, playmates second.

Very few can live and be happy in that 24/7 role and 21 days just doesn't seem like enough time to make that decision or too much. He either wants it or he doesn't.
If he doesn't want it with all of his being, do you want it for him?

What is the final decision you are asking him to make?

[orchidsoul]

Hi ModestRose,

You mentioned in your first introduction of the issue that you both agreed to him being your slave. I was wondering how intense your BDSM relationship was prior to this agreement because maybe the jump to 24/7 if you only played lightly is too much at once?

Perhaps starting with two rules a day would alleviate some of the rebellion he's feeling? Maybe a rule that focused on you first thing in the morning and one for the end of the evening would help to integrate getting used to 24/7 for his mind set. For instance, preparing the coffee, or serving you breakfast/dinner, perhaps a nice foot massage (or any other fun kinds of massages ) to end the day right. If his attentions begin and end as focusing on your needs and pleasures, maybe that would help to build towards 24/7 if that is still the desire. It's also starting slowly with only a couple rules a day which may help him to not feel so "managed" too quickly.

Unfortunately though, like Ruby mentioned, if his heart is not fully into 24/7, you're not going to be able to make him do it, nor would you probably want that for him. 24/7 takes a strong desire and commitment that doesn't just occur right away sometimes from my understanding.

It's good that you've been being consistent because that is definitely an important aspect. I'm sorry you're both having a tough time working through this, and best of luck to you both.

~orchidsoul

[ModestRose]

Hi ModestRose,

You mentioned in your first introduction of the issue that you both agreed to him being your slave. I was wondering how intense your BDSM relationship was prior to this agreement because maybe the jump to 24/7 if you only played lightly is too much at once?

Perhaps starting with two rules a day would alleviate some of the rebellion he's feeling? Maybe a rule that focused on you first thing in the morning and one for the end of the evening would help to integrate getting used to 24/7 for his mind set. For instance, preparing the coffee, or serving you breakfast/dinner, perhaps a nice foot massage (or any other fun kinds of massages ) to end the day right. If his attentions begin and end as focusing on your needs and pleasures, maybe that would help to build towards 24/7 if that is still the desire. It's also starting slowly with only a couple rules a day which may help him to not feel so "managed" too quickly.

Unfortunately though, like Ruby mentioned, if his heart is not fully into 24/7, you're not going to be able to make him do it, nor would you probably want that for him. 24/7 takes a strong desire and commitment that doesn't just occur right away sometimes from my understanding.

It's good that you've been being consistent because that is definitely an important aspect. I'm sorry you're both having a tough time working through this, and best of luck to you both.

~orchidsoul

Hello, Well we have been in the lifestyle for about 3 years. Mostly me in the sub position, but for about the last year its been him in that position.