I'm beating my head against a brick wall

[oneslave4me]

I need to get this out and I'll take any suggestions

DH and I were going to play yesterday. I had been mowing the lawn and he had been supposedly working on this big board meeting. Instead he was goofing off and reading stories.

So I come in all covered in dust and grass and tell him how bad he is, that I'm taking a shower and a good boy would put in a butt plug while I took a shower.

Take my shower and set up a scene. He tries to slow me down, which irritates me, then he's like "let me just try this and then you can play with me". So he puts a training collar the dog around my neck. One that vibrates/shocks if you make a noise(used to curb barking). He's 6'7" and 290 lbs, and i had a collar that made talking painful, so very little choice in the matter though I was more in a Dom/playful mood than a sub/hurty mood. Bent me doggy style on the bed and the games began.

Granted, it felt good, but I REALLY need to get the DOM out of me and I knew if we both came and I was in a really sub position that I'd be frustrated/irritated after the afterglow wore off. So let's just say the scene ended badly with me bursting into tears and neither of us getting off.

DH didn't understand why I couldn't do both, that he'd be ready to go again after 2-3 hours(but it wouldn't have been the same, the buildup/tension would be gone). So this evolved into a huge cathartic talk about our BDSM lifestyle and that I wasn't a real Dom, that I don't understand how deep the emotions run within him, that I was unhappy(which I'm not), that he has manipulated me into something I'm not, how he HATES the part of him that needs dominated, that he feels like it's the only thing wrong with our relationship, all this stuff. That if he was always dominant and I was always submissive our relationship would be better(which would not be true either). He even sobbed it hurt him so badly.

But, we came up with no answers. And to be honest, I don't really understand the problem. If I didn't know how badly he felt and how guilty he feels, I would say we were doing really well. We are both consenting adults that are kinky and have a great time together inside and outside of the bedroom. I'm so obviously missing something that I feel stupid. He wants to try to treat me like a pro dom. Prescribed scenes pre-approved and stick to the script. Since I'm just "acting" dominant anyway in his opinion.

So, I need some thoughts and opinions and help, if you have it.

[Ruby]

Oh, oneslave4me, I would have been crying, too. What most people don't get is that we switches need to play both roles and we can't always do it at the same time.

When you came in, you were in dom/domme mode. You wanted him in sub mode. He wanted something else and wasn't respecting your needs.

You had every right to be frustrated, because your needs weren't being met.

Looking back on it, cause hindsight is always 20/20, you could have said, "No, I'm not trying anything. You aren't in charge right now", and given him your best withering glare.

This was a classic example of mis-communication as well as him fighting against being a sub. If he's not a switch, just playing, then he won't get it. Because people project, he'll think if he's just playing, that's all you're doing, too.

If he is a switch, or more likely a dom that likes to be topped every now and then...
or
If he really doesn't want to be dominated by you, hates that part of him, then let him go without for awhile.

Domming by the script is boring and if you're like me, you aren't playing, its a part of you. So let him go without, then when you next dom him, surprise him and take him places he didn't know he could experience.

Big hugs to you and many well wishes,

Ruby