Although I was sexually abused from the time I was nine years old (earlier, actually, but it was very brief and fleeting...not like the other was...which is what really, pardon the french, fucked me up for years), I feel that one has nothing to do with the other. Or it shouldn't.

In my case, as you can read in my bio, I was writing erotic stories from a VERY young age, 3 years before my ninth birthday...maybe even younger than that. And they were always dom/sub stories, though I didn't know the distinction at the time. Before I could write, it was pictures of the same; I can remember drawing them; though luckily I wasn't anatomically accurate enough for them to ever figure out what I was really putting down on paper.

Whenever I have been with someone in what everyone keeps calling a 'vanilla' relationship (STILL can't figure that one out) during the actual act, I 'go away' completely.

The only time I ever had a real sexual arousal was when I was writing my 'stories'. It was then that I couldn't keep my hands off my ex; and if he wasn't around, my hands off myself.

The only other time I have ever felt that way is on this site. Finding out who and what i really was...and what I really longed for. Now I only have to think of this site...and the life I hope to someday live for real.....and the same feeling happens.

So for me, despite the fact that I walk around excited all the time/damned inconvenient when you're trying to add a column of figures; this place was my 'awakening' to both [1] a lifetime of denial and [2] that real happiness was no longer just an elusive dream for me....but a someday, very real truth.

Quote Originally Posted by duktig flicka
I need to get some things off my chest in order to be able to ask a question I really need to ask. These have always been deep, dark secrets that I have not shared with anyone - except for my boyfriend in a very vague manner - so please forgive me if I'm not handling this appropriately.

The basic question is twofold: Why do I enjoy bdsm and is it harming me? Then there's the background. My dad was very sadistic and had a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde personality. He was prone to losing his temper out of the blue, at which time he became violent towards me and did humiliating things like throwing me to the floor and pinning my face down with his foot.

I was also pretty isolated growing up. I had to be home-schooled as I was training as a pre-professional ballet dancer full time since I was 8. You may or may not know that the ballet industry endorses teachers and directors to verbally and emotionally abuse dancers constantly. Less than perfection in performance and appearance was not tolerated and anyone who came over 105-110 lbs at the weekly public weigh-ins could look forward to several weeks of hell till she shed that fat.

As such, every male I saw when I was growing up was sadistic and every female was destroying herself to please them. Neat role models.

I would say it is highly improbable that this history and my desire to be dominated, humiliated and hurt are unconnected. The kind of things that turn me on often emulate my unpleasant past experiences. However, I don't actually know this, which is driving me insane. I'm hoping someone might have some insight on that. From a biopsychological point of view, it makes sense - children have a survival instinct to mold themselves to what their parents wish them to be in order to ensure that their parents take care of them. See also Stockholm Syndrome.

Also, an experience in adulthood appears to have affected my turn-ons. I was held prisoner for a year by a man who took my virginity and disciplined me very bdsm style (minus the consent). His main tactic was to shut me in a box when I was not obedient. I have since developed a fantasy for being kept in a cage. Coincidence? Possibly, since I get a bit of a panic attack whenever I see a suitably sized box and that's definitely no turn-on.

I am really, really, really dying to know what psychological effect bdsm has on a person. Is it harmful? Is it therapeutic? None of the above? Am I exploiting my boyfriend for the sake of vain self-loathing by taking part in it with him? Would it be possible to "get rid of it" and start enjoying vanilla sex? Or is it just harmless fun?

Sorry for airing dirty laundry. I just can't keep this down any longer. I need answers.