Very worried that current bdsm is caused by past abuse

[lillianskye]

[QUOTE=duktig flicka]I need to get some things off my chest in order to be able to ask a question I really need to ask. These have always been deep, dark secrets that I have not shared with anyone - except for my boyfriend in a very vague manner - so please forgive me if I'm not handling this appropriately.

Duktig,

I was abused as a child too. My bondage fantasies began long before the abuse. For instance, I have always loved being scared. I was watching that chessy horror flick waxworks and the part with the Marquis de Sad come on. That was it for me. I was 7. I think the problem you are having is that people believe it is impossible for a person to suffer abuse and come out with a healthy view on sexuality. I am here to tell you that is a myth. I think the part you are missing is that Bdsm is suppose to be fun. At least in my opinion it's just a game. I want a guy who can PLAY dangerous in bed but is a teddy bear in real life. I think that is pretty normal.

If you needed me to pin point for you some psychological reasoning behind my affinity for this lifestyle, I am more incline to believe its the fact I was a preacher's daughter. Or perhaps its because I am a control freak. Either way I don't think it really matters. What matters is being comfortable with who you are, and finding someone who you are comfortable with too.

I hope I don't offend anyone. This is just my view. I hope it helps.

[slavelucy]

I want a guy who can PLAY dangerous in bed but is a teddy bear in real life. I think that is pretty normal.

Hmmm, i have increasingly come to wonder if that's possible actually. i have known some really nice vanilla guys..but they just cannot get into BDSM...equally Wontworry (my Dom, lover and all round friend) is great, both DS wise and otherwise, he's loving, laid back and lots of fun...but i'm still not sure he could ever be aptly described as a 'teddy bear'...because in the end, he's still dominant, if he wasn't, he wouldn't be a good dominant. (sounds ridiculously simplistic i know, but i really mean it)

hope I don't offend anyone.

Whilst i might not agree with you, you certainly haven't offended me, it's interesting to hear about how other people see BDSM fitting into their lives, and it's what makes it so diverse.

(Although you may have offended the Marquis by calling him sad! LOL)

Welcome to the forums btw, nice to have you on board.

sl

[Caitlin]

Duktig flicka

Reading your story has really touched me. Let’s get to basics. Nature Vs. Nurture. Are we the way we are due to some sort of genetic imprinting as is shown by studies of identical twins separated at birth; or are we the way we are due to the environment in which we live.

Are you the way you are because of genetic imprinting or because of the environment in which you lived, or both. I would go for both. You have not mentioned your mother. Was she submissive to your father, and then to your instructors/teachers? Did she try to protect you from their abuse? I think not. Or not to an extent that it made a difference.

The amount of abuse you suffered throughout your formative years is astrominical. First Dad, then Dad and your instructors and the whole psyche behind the ballet business, then your rapist/abductor.

Stockholm syndrome is where victims of a kidnapping, or people taken as hostages develop a relationship with their captors, and they may also help the captors to achieve their goals or to escape the police. In order to survive, the victim attempts to relate to the captor/kidnapper to gain their sympathy. While this may apply to your rapist/abductor, it would not apply to your father and instructors.

Analytical psychosocial professionals cannot agree as to the reason why we do the things we do, but all would correlate early abuse to BDSM. Those who say that even though they are into BDSM and were never abused, there is the fear factor. It’s a part of our survival instincts. It also counts for the success of crime shows on TV. I could go on, but I’m digressing.

Any way back to basics. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. However, we know also that we can condition animals as well as people to act in certain ways. Pavlov’s Theory. Dogs learnt to salivate when the light was turned on, or they would not be fed. Mice were stimulated in a particular cage, and after a while they could only have sex in the cage they had been having the sexual stimulation.

Which leads us to Cause and Effect. You were abused, and you had a desire to please. It is a natural progression that you used the abuse as a stimulus, and you felt gratification at being able to please them.

Is BDSM harmful or therapeutic? It could be harmful if you were with the wrong Dom. Only you can tell if you are gaining any therapeutic value out of BDSM. As for your fear that you may be exploiting your boyfriend, talk to him. You said you vaguely talked about your dark secrets. Lack of communication is the major factor on the breakdown of relationships. When you feel you are ready to talk to him about your feelings do so. Remember you don’t have to hit him with everything all at once. If after you tell him and he doesn’t love and respect you afterwards, then you may have to decide if he is worth your time or love in the first place.

Remember to love yourself for the person who you are.

Caitlin