"Was"

[boccaccio2000g]

"She stood there nude leaning forward over the back of a heavy wood chair."

The other reason your version works better is there are fewer words. One of the most effective (and easiest) ways to edit a story is to see how many words you can take out without changing the meaning. Shorter sentences have more impact."

Yes and no. One doesn't want to use empty words, but I think most writers neglect opportunities to invite the senses of their readers into their story.

Which has more 'flavor'? -- "She stood, nude, leaning forward over the back of a heavy wood chair."

Or

"Her glossy hair wild about her naked shoulders, Cynthia fought to control her agitated breathing as she felt the unyielding solidity of the mahogany armchair pressing against her naked belly."

So much detail may be old-fashioned, but done properly it can add immeasurably to the texture of a story.

IMO

Boccaccio

[Alex Bragi]

Well, boccaccio, I certainly couldn't, and wouldn't try to, argue that one.

I think, however, what some authors, sometimes, forget is the difference between detail and clutter.

"She was nude as she stood there leaning over the chair that was made of wood."

That's cluttered with 'too many words'. Yes?

Your example is... well it's just simply hot and sexy, really. *ss*

[jaeangel]

Learn something new every day...

I have to admit honestly that I've never paid much attention to passive verbs versus action verbs and other such details when i write. I type whatever comes into my head and somehow when I look at it when its done it all seems pretty coherent. I've never had a problem getting my meaning acorss, and several of my beta readers have commented on how often I cn make them cry with certain stories. Hmm. If I started paying attention to verb usage and stuff like that would it detract from my storytelling , or make my writing better? I honestly don't know. Will limiting my use of certain words decrease my ability to convey my mental images to others? Or enhance it?
If anyone reading this has read any of my stories, can you tell me if I fall into the trap Alex describes and can I make my stories better by changing my word usage?

[boccaccio2000g]

Learn something new every day...


If anyone reading this has read any of my stories, can you tell me if I fall into the trap Alex describes and can I make my stories better by changing my word usage?

... can you tell me if I have fallen ... ;-)

Yes. As can we all. No story is ever perfect. But the more care one takes with it, the better it will be.


Boccaccio

[Dr Mabeuse]

To tell you the truth, the two sentences aren't the same to me.

"She was nude..." emphasizes her state of undress. "She stood there nude..." emphasizes the fact that she was standing, and the "there" suggests a kind of familiarity with her environment.

I don't know. I guess I haven't seen that much of this kind of thing for it to bother me. The passive voice I worry about are in things like "The whip was picked up by him" instead of "He picked up the whip."

Besides, what do you do with Dickens' "It was the worst of times; it was the best of times"?

---dr.M.

[csr]

Besides, what do you do with Dickens' "It was the worst of times; it was the best of times"?

Hmmm... becomes a Led Zeppelin song?

[Alex Bragi]

“"It was the worst of times; it was the best of times”? Oh, but shouldn’t that really be, “"It was the worst of times; it was the best of times…” ?

Honestly, did you really expect me to pass up an opportunity like that, did you?

And, yes, what the Dickens do you do with it? (Sorry, but I couldn’t let that one slip either.) *gg*

Sure, the example you’ve given here is passive, but as juxtapositions, and not just those two—a whole string of them— it gives the story an incredible impact right from the start, doesn’t it? It’s a clever contrast, as Dickens then launches into a story set in times of competing and contradictory attitudes, as the entire tale becomes one giant juxtaposition of love and hate, sympathy and apathy, and poverty and wealth.

Besides, the hard and fast rule of fictional writing is, surely, there is none.

Oh, and…

I guess I haven't seen that much of this kind of thing for it to bother me.

…I wouldn’t go as far as saying it ‘bothers’ me. Just sometimes, it seems a pity to see a great idea for a story flattened with too much passive phrasing and/or a repeated and/or an excess of unnecessary words.