Thank for having shared with us your deep, dark secrets.
I've read your post very thoroughly; as a new-bye in this "very worried that current bdsm..." thread it took me a bit of time to write down an answer, but I'd like to put on the table some remarkable points.
Please forgive my rusty English speech, I am an Italian.

Let's start from what you've ran through in your life. Hard to bear. But you have survived.
This is, I think, a common rule of every kind of living: survive, survive, survive -a must in nature-!

So, now you act like you cannot help to live again the extreme experience you have escaped. A lot of people, having passed-by car accidents or other close-to-death troubles, have joined extreme or hard-endeavouring sports, maybe to live again strong emotionals feedbacks.
Every wound you take (both phisical and psycological) starts a response: the body make scars, trying to repair injured tissues or bones, the brain the same. In the common life you can see that every day. If needed, the body and the mind work aside to change their status and comply the environment: out from the skin this results in a temperature rise, a modify of the heart pulse or an increse in the water retention.

When you get a trauma, there is a new environment. Fear is the quickest way to alert you there is a brand-new situation, and it's dangerous. Pain is the flag to point that something has changed in a nasty way.
The inner of you realizes it very quickly, and try to adapt.
Aside the body, the mind urges to fix patches over every wound it has suffered, by developing its own structures and using them to protect itself, preventing damages by new blows. I think that's the main difference: the body can repair a damage, while the mind can repair and make up a sort of draft "preventive defense" against a new strike.
Every trauma can induce ("negative" and "positive" are used just as tag, with no moral value):

-a negative response [or "internal" reaction]: the subject falls deep in the fathom of himself, imploding the stress toward inside, and cutting relations with the external world, to avoid to live again the trauma

-a positive response [or "external" reaction]: the subject uses the experience to create a new system of values, that can be used again -if needed-, to survive again, better and in a more effective way the trauma

"During peace time, warriors struggle against themselves" (Nietzsche).


You have faced the beast. You won. Now it's hard to go back home and live family life. Simply, you can't. So, here you are the need to play bdsm.
Sorry, I don't think it' s possible to go back -just live it and enjoy it-. There's nothing wrong, if SSC. You don't harm anyone.

Reviewing your several postings, it seems that you have the attitude to share your story. You have written quite several excerpts, so you feel the need to talk about it and spread out what you have inside, also to cast in a frame all your experiences.
Maybe you can nurtur the art of writing...

:goldcup:

Quote Originally Posted by duktig flicka
I need to get some things off my chest in order to be able to ask a question I really need to ask. These have always been deep, dark secrets that I have not shared with anyone - except for my boyfriend in a very vague manner - so please forgive me if I'm not handling this appropriately.

The basic question is twofold: Why do I enjoy bdsm and is it harming me? Then there's the background. My dad was very sadistic and had a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde personality. He was prone to losing his temper out of the blue, at which time he became violent towards me and did humiliating things like throwing me to the floor and pinning my face down with his foot.

I was also pretty isolated growing up. I had to be home-schooled as I was training as a pre-professional ballet dancer full time since I was 8. You may or may not know that the ballet industry endorses teachers and directors to verbally and emotionally abuse dancers constantly. Less than perfection in performance and appearance was not tolerated and anyone who came over 105-110 lbs at the weekly public weigh-ins could look forward to several weeks of hell till she shed that fat.

As such, every male I saw when I was growing up was sadistic and every female was destroying herself to please them. Neat role models.

I would say it is highly improbable that this history and my desire to be dominated, humiliated and hurt are unconnected. The kind of things that turn me on often emulate my unpleasant past experiences. However, I don't actually know this, which is driving me insane. I'm hoping someone might have some insight on that. From a biopsychological point of view, it makes sense - children have a survival instinct to mold themselves to what their parents wish them to be in order to ensure that their parents take care of them. See also Stockholm Syndrome.

Also, an experience in adulthood appears to have affected my turn-ons. I was held prisoner for a year by a man who took my virginity and disciplined me very bdsm style (minus the consent). His main tactic was to shut me in a box when I was not obedient. I have since developed a fantasy for being kept in a cage. Coincidence? Possibly, since I get a bit of a panic attack whenever I see a suitably sized box and that's definitely no turn-on.

I am really, really, really dying to know what psychological effect bdsm has on a person. Is it harmful? Is it therapeutic? None of the above? Am I exploiting my boyfriend for the sake of vain self-loathing by taking part in it with him? Would it be possible to "get rid of it" and start enjoying vanilla sex? Or is it just harmless fun?

Sorry for airing dirty laundry. I just can't keep this down any longer. I need answers.