Thank you so much, all of you, for trying to help me understand. But I still don't get it. Maybe I'm just being ditzy, maybe I'm a wimp, maybe it's because I've been plagued by a problem with authority since I was a toddler or maybe I just don't belong here after all.

I don't know what that's supposed to make me then, if I'm apparently not "real" bdsm. I'm very surprised to find I'm in such a minority. I'm on a bdsm personals site because I've been ordered to find another woman to enter into play, but an error on the site meant I couldn't enter in my profile. Many took the empty profile to mean that I was a single submissive woman. I was really quite shocked to find that the doms who contacted me didn't seem to have any problem finding out that I'm hooked and not looking for a man, but absolutely could not take that my career is my first priority. I guess I'm some kind of independent/submissive hybrid freak!

BDSM_Tourguide, Your ava scares me. I had kind of assumed that submissives weren't truly considered equal to dogs, not to mention that they (hopefully) know better than to poop on the floor. Am I the only one who thinks that being naughty and getting a punishment is a turn-on? Is my dom so rare for enjoying it also?

You say that it's about consent. I've already got that bit, but the problem is that I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would consent to something they didn't enjoy. Yes, of course I've noticed other people's posts about their bdsm relationships. Many of them made me very hot. I thought that was the point. I don't, however, think it's "only a bedroom game people play." It's still something very special and fulfilling to me. Do I have to throw away everything that makes my life worth living and kill my own personality before it "counts" as something special?

Finding_Fantasy, I love your ava! I am glad to see you place limits on it. I was quite frightened by a post I read in another community where a sub talked of how she was in an abusive relationship but she couldn't leave because "master won't release me." It really made me shudder. That you say a safe word is chosen is reassuring. I still can't manage to understand why you'd consent to this, but maybe I never will.

Eraser, I have the exact same problem trying to understand why anyone would consent to be in the military! But at least they have the chance to move up to higher rankings. I'd like to make it clear that my boyfriend and I do not do what we do because it turns him on, but because it turns us on. If I really didn't want to do it, I wouldn't, and he'd be very upset if he found that I had done something I didn't want to just for him. He'll push me sometimes into doing something I don't like, but that's because it turns us both on that he does so. If he was trying to make me do things I really didn't want to, I'm quite certain I would kick him out.

Sorry to get off-topic, but I don't think that could be said to be an external locus of control. If the sub decided to enter into the relationship themself and punishments/rewards are a result of their own actions, then that's an internal locus of control, don't you think?

I don't think consent or "choice" themselves are anywhere near enough to relieve it of feminist concern. In the 50's, women weren't kidnapped and dragged into cooking and cleaning for 70 hours a week, either. I think the way to understand if it's anti-feminist or not is to examine why people choose it. Though I'm not sure anyone could do that without being disrespectful and violating privacy. Which just makes the whole thing that much more complicated!

e.b., thank you for your reassurance. I think starting this thread has made me more confused than I was before. I still don't see how a person would consent to letting another dominate their whole life, or to activities they wouldn't enjoy. Excuse me while I go sulk in a corner until I get it.