Quote Originally Posted by duktig flicka
I need to get some things off my chest in order to be able to ask a question I really need to ask. These have always been deep, dark secrets that I have not shared with anyone - except for my boyfriend in a very vague manner - so please forgive me if I'm not handling this appropriately.

The basic question is twofold: Why do I enjoy bdsm and is it harming me? Then there's the background. My dad was very sadistic and had a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde personality. He was prone to losing his temper out of the blue, at which time he became violent towards me and did humiliating things like throwing me to the floor and pinning my face down with his foot.

I was also pretty isolated growing up. I had to be home-schooled as I was training as a pre-professional ballet dancer full time since I was 8. You may or may not know that the ballet industry endorses teachers and directors to verbally and emotionally abuse dancers constantly. Less than perfection in performance and appearance was not tolerated and anyone who came over 105-110 lbs at the weekly public weigh-ins could look forward to several weeks of hell till she shed that fat.

As such, every male I saw when I was growing up was sadistic and every female was destroying herself to please them. Neat role models.

I would say it is highly improbable that this history and my desire to be dominated, humiliated and hurt are unconnected. The kind of things that turn me on often emulate my unpleasant past experiences. However, I don't actually know this, which is driving me insane. I'm hoping someone might have some insight on that. From a biopsychological point of view, it makes sense - children have a survival instinct to mold themselves to what their parents wish them to be in order to ensure that their parents take care of them. See also Stockholm Syndrome.

Also, an experience in adulthood appears to have affected my turn-ons. I was held prisoner for a year by a man who took my virginity and disciplined me very bdsm style (minus the consent). His main tactic was to shut me in a box when I was not obedient. I have since developed a fantasy for being kept in a cage. Coincidence? Possibly, since I get a bit of a panic attack whenever I see a suitably sized box and that's definitely no turn-on.

I am really, really, really dying to know what psychological effect bdsm has on a person. Is it harmful? Is it therapeutic? None of the above? Am I exploiting my boyfriend for the sake of vain self-loathing by taking part in it with him? Would it be possible to "get rid of it" and start enjoying vanilla sex? Or is it just harmless fun?

Sorry for airing dirty laundry. I just can't keep this down any longer. I need answers.
This is the place to air it! Lots of intelligent, sympathetic ears around here... and folks who won't judge.

Let me tell my story. No abuse, 12 years of parochial education, loving spouse. BDSM is in my life because it attracted me. I like being domme'd now and again; is it because the nuns whacked my knuckles? don't know, but I doubt it. My wife was 12 years publicly educated, and her dad was a minister his whole life. She likes to switch, sometimes top, sometimes bottom, like me.

You ran into some bad, horrible, intolerable experiences. I'm sure a therapist could give you gentle, understanding assistance; there's no shame in getting medical help.

Can you "get rid of it"? Likely, you could change your lifestyle. Likely you could change your friends. Would you be happy? Maybe so. But it's kind of like loving a certain kind of candy. You can go months, years without it. But get half a chance to get that candy and you'll grab it eagerly. You might just be causing trouble for yourself in the future.

Are you in a safe, positive relationship now? If so, why not live your life the way you want to? There are thousands of good, safe, loving relationships for each bad one --- much like everything in life. Once you realize that out of every hundred people, 98 are folks who work every day, don't kick their dogs or beat their partners, pay their taxes on time, and are folks who would lose at poker and pay up with a smile. The other 2 of the hundred make so much trouble that they make you forget about the 98. Live your life as you wish, dear heart. Get the help you need from a minister or a councillor; you may have more favorable results from a professional though, for obvious reasons (smile).

Please; if you need to talk further, do. Your need is real.