Very worried that current bdsm is caused by past abuse

[spike]

What if both apply?

Maybe, to deal with this situation, some psychaitric help would be appropriate. Jungian psychology is based on the integration of the whole personality including the dark side. So a Jungian may be best. Or perhaps a Transactional Analysis/Script Theory type who will analyse in terms of script and antiscript.

But the end result is the same thing I said before: accept yourself, take joy from yourself, all of yourself. And you can start doing that immediately without any expensive help.

Spike