Dear,

All the comments and responses you got so far are accurate and truthful, hopefully it will help you understand your own situation better.

There are few other threads on the board that are trying to find the answer to the same question you are posing.

I don’t think we (or anyone else for that matter) managed to come up with the reason why do we enjoy our particular kinks, and whether this behaviour is more of a nature or nurture. One thing, though, I feel needs to be stressed out is that with your history (little that we now know off) and your obvious pattern of thinking and questions that are arousing from it; ONLY safe and sane decision would be to try to find a professional who is “BDSM friendly” and who could help you answer the questions you have. Just as (I assume) you would not try to use ballet as a therapy for some emotional issues – you should not use BDSM for it.

You might have the affinity for it, that would have brought you into the lifestyle no matter what your past is, but you need to understand and deal with traumas you were put through, so that you can put that behind you, and enjoy what ever your chosen life style might be.

My very close friend was molested and sexually abused from when she was 2 till she was 9. Now she is 50 and still dealing with it. Human beings can survive hell, but healing is long and hard process.

I wish you all best, I hope you find the answers you are looking for and peace with yourself.

Brightest Blessings

P.S. few links
How did you find out about BDSM?
Does an interest in BDSM indicate a pattern of abuse in earlier life?
psychology