Quote Originally Posted by Pandora's Box
This is more of a philosophical meandering than anything else.

I didn't actually mean cheating doms and subs per se. I meant more like people that are into bdsm but married to "vanilla" partners. And how the community tends to look the other way, and even in many cases, encourage the exploration.

Ah, right, i think i see what you mean Pandora..and i think i have some sort of answer, but i am finding it slightly difficult to put into words, but i'll give it a whirl!

These four points sort of (hopefully!) follow on sequentially:

Firstly, i think it's quite possible that people marry vanilla partners long before they realise, consciously i guess, their interest in BDSM.

Secondly, i also think it's possible that a partner could have an interest in BDSM, but, BDSM being so broad, it isn't that close to one's own kinks (for want of a better word)....which could become increasingly apparent in ones relationship.

Thirdly (and maybe some will disagree with me), i think that the desire to submit (or dominate...although obviously i can only speak from the submissive viewpoint) is something that is very difficult to supress....in some respects, it almost 'gets a grip' of you....be that for sexual reasons or who you are, all the best will and highhanded morality in the world is fighting something of an uphill battle against it.

Forthly and in direct reference to your question; yes, i think the BDSM community probably are more accepting (accepting, not 'turning a blind eye') of it, the reason for which i believe is essentially two fold:

1) Most people who share the same desires have a true understanding of what sort of feelings, both physical and emotional, the whole Ds things brings to the fore. This is in relation to the third point...they understand, not because they 'approve' of cheating, that's nonsensical, but because they know what it's like to want to fulfill that side of you and to be unable to.

2) Quite simply, people involved in BDSM are, generally speaking, more tolerant people, probably because they equally know how it feels to be criticised by people who don't even give you a chance to explain what it's about.

i hope i managed to sum up what i wanted to say..as an aside, i don't think pratical ethics can be constructed or laid down, broad brush, but rather something that is being created in an existential, ongoing sense and always somewhat individual and personal.

Here endeth the lesson.

sl